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Dear Dr. Rutherford,

I found your name listed in the Sexpert coulumn in MEN magazine, offering help, so I’m ask for it now.

I have a very unusual problem I will just bet you have never heard before. I am a 52-year-old gay near-virgin trying to find a partner for a long-term relationship. How did I get to be such an old virgin, you ask? That’s pretty simple; I just never thought anyone could love me, or want to make love to me because of the birth defect that I have. You see, I have a deformed right arm. It’ similar, but not quite, to the thalidomide babies of the 1950’s (you may have to look that up; no one seems to remember that any more), but with a shirt on, I just look like an amputee. So, I just sailed through life thinking I’d have to live my life alone, and I got pretty good at making everyone think I was just a nice, straight guy, even though I knew all the time I was gay.

Well, something snapped this summer, and it suddenly dawned upon me that I really don’t want to spend what’s left of my life alone. So, last month, I actually started making an attempt to find someone, but it has been very frustrating, more so, I think, that what a normal gay man would go through, because not only do I have to deal with all the normal issues that go along with dating, there’s this huge issue of my deformity. I’m not really into the bar scene, but I did try going to one; I mostly just got the “look” of something that doesn’t belong. I’ve bought a membership to two popular dating websites, where so far, I’ve actually had two dates, which isn’t bad considering I only signed up a month ago. The first date was wth a man 8 years older than I, and we’ve had three dates so far. I told him how I looked before we met, and he said he didn’t mind. Instead of a neutral place, I went to his house on the first date. He was very passionate, with lots of kissing, but I was too nervous to go all the way. On the second date, again at his house, we went almost all the way- everthing but anal, and only because he went soft while sticking it in, and couldn’t get it up again. He made me keep my shirt on the whole time; it was a tad demeaning. We were supposed to go bar-hopping on the third date, but when I called to pick him up at his house, he said he wasn’t feeling well, so we went out to eat, and I dropped him off back at his house. On every one of these dates, he constantly refers to his “ex”, which makes me wonder if I’m just a substitute for that, and he whines a lot. I don’t think we’re really a good match, but he’s all I have right now.

I just got back from a first-meeting type date with an absolutely gorgeous man who is four years my junior. As before, I clearly told him what I looked like,and once again, he said he didn’t mind. He wanted to meet at a neutral spot, so we went to a cozy coffee place, where we talked for two hours. He is just an incredibly good match for me because we have an unbelievable amount of similar tastes, and we’re in the same profession. I absolutely adore this guy, but when I asked him if he’d like to go out with me, all he said was, “I don’t know,” and that was it, and that’s how we parted. While I was driving home, he called me on my cell phone to thank me for the rose I’d given him (I guess he’d just read the card I enclosed with it) and the classical music CD I gave him because him because he’d told me it was his favorite music, and he said he’d call me later that evening. When he didn’t call, I called him, and we chatted awhile. I asked if he’d like to go and do something later in the week, or maybe have me over to his house, only because he told me he’d rather spend time at home. Once again, all I ended up with was the same, “I don’t know,” reply. I can’t figure out if he is afraid of me, or really doen’t want me, but that seems weird, since I found him advertising himself on a dating site. I am so confused.

I need some help here. I think I’m doing most things right, but I could sure use some help in getting past this deformity thing of mine. Can you give me any advice as to how to approach this whole new world of dating, given my special problem? Where can I find a date in this special case? Should I be getting this frustrated this early in the game? Does it take normal people a long time to find someone? And- most of all- how can I land that second guy?

Thanks you so much for any help you can give. I really appreciate it. This is all so new to me, and I’m so unsure of myself.

Sincerely,

Marc Erwin

Hey Marc,

My apologies for the late reply.  I receive quite a bit of emails and sometimes it takes a while to answer them all.  Your letter really struck me.  The first emotion I had when reading it was an admiration for how much courage you have.  First to realize that someone could actually love you and then to do something about it by putting yourself out there and beginning the dating process.  I don’t want to sound patronizing but I really believe it is a courageous thing.  It is somewhat analogous, although not exactly like, beginning to date again after an HIV diagnosis.  With HIV, you can’t see the difference between you and the other guy but you know it’s there.  With you, the difference is obvious.  I am familiar with the Thalidomide syndrome and the many deformities that drug caused.  My understanding is that, while there is a deformity, the rest of the person functions and operates “normally”.  That phrase being used here to describe “like most of the general population”.

First off, dating is hard.  It doesn’t matter who you are or what you look like.  Interacting with other humans when things like love and sex are concerned muddies the water and makes it hard for everyone involved.  It’s work to continue to put yourself out there without the assurance of getting anything back in return.  That being said, it can be a lot of fun.  I always tell people to look at it like an adventure.  Like Forrest Gump said, “life is like a box of chocolates”.  You never know what you’re going to get.  That’s half the fun.  Tall, dark, white, yellow, red, short, fat, skinny, beefy, blind, bald, hairy, pretty, rugged, limp, one arm, one leg, bearded, smooth, deaf, shy, loud, obnoxious, kind, blue eyes, brown…..and the list goes on and on.  You get my point.

The real point is that although these things matter on some level, what really matters is the connection between the two people.  Essentially, what is in their hearts.  Now you might meet some people who may not be able to get past the “stuff”.  This is an unfortunate but predictable part of the dating process.  Get right with this concept in your head before you meet the person and it will prepare you for the ride you will take with them.  Some will not want to connect.  Ride over.  Some might just want sex but nothing else.  Your decision…I say go for it if your safe.  Experience is a good thing.  Some might want to date you for a while but may not be able to commit.  Some may be available for the whole shebang…connection, dating, sex, and, drumroll please, Love.  You have to look at it like it is out of your control.  And it truly is.  All you can be is yourself.  The rest is up to them.

The guy who said “I don’t know” was probably being completely honest.  He may not know. It is up to you if you want to continue to date a guy if he is so unsure of himself and his feelings.  Your self confidence says “take what you can get” but I would question this.  Your different arm is only one small piece of you.  Although it has felt like such a huge piece to you for so long it has taken on mythic proportions and become bigger than it should be in your eyes.  Honestly, I think everyone will notice your arm for the rest of your life.  I think the most shocking part, for you, will be that some of them won’t really care about it.  Some guys may even be into it.  Who knows.  Your job is not to ward them off at the pass.  Just be yourself.  Keep putting yourself out there and, sooner or later, on the tenth date or the hundredth one, you will find a man with whom all the pieces fit.  Your only task is to enjoy the ride wherever it may take you.  This is my philosophy on life and I live by it ferociously.

As for the second date/flowers/CD guy…I say give him a call and ask him directly what his feelings are.  He may not give you an honest answer but you can at least put it out there.  “Do you want a second date or not?”  “I like you but think you may have some reservations about my arm.  It’s okay if it’s a problem.  No hard feelings.  Just let me know so I don’t waste my time.”  Or something else equally as direct will do.  Don’t throw yourself under the bus because of this arm of yours.  Know that you are a viable, desirable candidate swimming around out there in this gigantic dating pool.  You have as much right to be there as anyone else.  Go for men who turn you on and don’t settle for one because he is “not disgusted by my arm” and think that is the best you can get.  It isn’t.  You can do better.  Just keep trying and, I’m sounding like Oprah here, but she’s often right on the money….believe in yourself.

Dear Dr. Rutherford,

I found your name listed in the Sexpert coulumn in MEN magazine, offering help, so I’m ask for it now.

I have a very unusual problem I will just bet you have never heard before. I am a 52-year-old gay near-virgin trying to find a partner for a long-term relationship. How did I get to be such an old virgin, you ask? That’s pretty simple; I just never thought anyone could love me, or want to make love to me because of the birth defect that I have. You see, I have a deformed right arm. It’ similar, but not quite, to the thalidomide babies of the 1950’s (you may have to look that up; no one seems to remember that any more), but with a shirt on, I just look like an amputee. So, I just sailed through life thinking I’d have to live my life alone, and I got pretty good at making everyone think I was just a nice, straight guy, even though I knew all the time I was gay.

Well, something snapped this summer, and it suddenly dawned upon me that I really don’t want to spend what’s left of my life alone. So, last month, I actually started making an attempt to find someone, but it has been very frustrating, more so, I think, that what a normal gay man would go through, because not only do I have to deal with all the normal issues that go along with dating, there’s this huge issue of my deformity. I’m not really into the bar scene, but I did try going to one; I mostly just got the “look” of something that doesn’t belong. I’ve bought a membership to two popular dating websites, where so far, I’ve actually had two dates, which isn’t bad considering I only signed up a month ago. The first date was wth a man 8 years older than I, and we’ve had three dates so far. I told him how I looked before we met, and he said he didn’t mind. Instead of a neutral place, I went to his house on the first date. He was very passionate, with lots of kissing, but I was too nervous to go all the way. On the second date, again at his house, we went almost all the way- everthing but anal, and only because he went soft while sticking it in, and couldn’t get it up again. He made me keep my shirt on the whole time; it was a tad demeaning. We were supposed to go bar-hopping on the third date, but when I called to pick him up at his house, he said he wasn’t feeling well, so we went out to eat, and I dropped him off back at his house. On every one of these dates, he constantly refers to his “ex”, which makes me wonder if I’m just a substitute for that, and he whines a lot. I don’t think we’re really a good match, but he’s all I have right now.

I just got back from a first-meeting type date with an absolutely gorgeous man who is four years my junior. As before, I clearly told him what I looked like,and once again, he said he didn’t mind. He wanted to meet at a neutral spot, so we went to a cozy coffee place, where we talked for two hours. He is just an incredibly good match for me because we have an unbelievable amount of similar tastes, and we’re in the same profession. I absolutely adore this guy, but when I asked him if he’d like to go out with me, all he said was, “I don’t know,” and that was it, and that’s how we parted. While I was driving home, he called me on my cell phone to thank me for the rose I’d given him (I guess he’d just read the card I enclosed with it) and the classical music CD I gave him because him because he’d told me it was his favorite music, and he said he’d call me later that evening. When he didn’t call, I called him, and we chatted awhile. I asked if he’d like to go and do something later in the week, or maybe have me over to his house, only because he told me he’d rather spend time at home. Once again, all I ended up with was the same, “I don’t know,” reply. I can’t figure out if he is afraid of me, or really doen’t want me, but that seems weird, since I found him advertising himself on a dating site. I am so confused.

I need some help here. I think I’m doing most things right, but I could sure use some help in getting past this deformity thing of mine. Can you give me any advice as to how to approach this whole new world of dating, given my special problem? Where can I find a date in this special case? Should I be getting this frustrated this early in the game? Does it take normal people a long time to find someone? And- most of all- how can I land that second guy?

Thanks you so much for any help you can give. I really appreciate it. This is all so new to me, and I’m so unsure of myself.

Sincerely,

Marc Erwin

Hey Marc,

My apologies for the late reply.  I receive quite a bit of emails and sometimes it takes a while to answer them all.  Your letter really struck me.  The first emotion I had when reading it was an admiration for how much courage you have.  First to realize that someone could actually love you and then to do something about it by putting yourself out there and beginning the dating process.  I don’t want to sound patronizing but I really believe it is a courageous thing.  It is somewhat analogous, although not exactly like, beginning to date again after an HIV diagnosis.  With HIV, you can’t see the difference between you and the other guy but you know it’s there.  With you, the difference is obvious.  I am familiar with the Thalidomide syndrome and the many deformities that drug caused.  My understanding is that, while there is a deformity, the rest of the person functions and operates “normally”.  That phrase being used here to describe “like most of the general population”.

First off, dating is hard.  It doesn’t matter who you are or what you look like.  Interacting with other humans when things like love and sex are concerned muddies the water and makes it hard for everyone involved.  It’s work to continue to put yourself out there without the assurance of getting anything back in return.  That being said, it can be a lot of fun.  I always tell people to look at it like an adventure.  Like Forrest Gump said, “life is like a box of chocolates”.  You never know what you’re going to get.  That’s half the fun.  Tall, dark, white, yellow, red, short, fat, skinny, beefy, blind, bald, hairy, pretty, rugged, limp, one arm, one leg, bearded, smooth, deaf, shy, loud, obnoxious, kind, blue eyes, brown…..and the list goes on and on.  You get my point.

The real point is that although these things matter on some level, what really matters is the connection between the two people.  Essentially, what is in their hearts.  Now you might meet some people who may not be able to get past the “stuff”.  This is an unfortunate but predictable part of the dating process.  Get right with this concept in your head before you meet the person and it will prepare you for the ride you will take with them.  Some will not want to connect.  Ride over.  Some might just want sex but nothing else.  Your decision…I say go for it if your safe.  Experience is a good thing.  Some might want to date you for a while but may not be able to commit.  Some may be available for the whole shebang…connection, dating, sex, and, drumroll please, Love.  You have to look at it like it is out of your control.  And it truly is.  All you can be is yourself.  The rest is up to them.

The guy who said “I don’t know” was probably being completely honest.  He may not know. It is up to you if you want to continue to date a guy if he is so unsure of himself and his feelings.  Your self confidence says “take what you can get” but I would question this.  Your different arm is only one small piece of you.  Although it has felt like such a huge piece to you for so long it has taken on mythic proportions and become bigger than it should be in your eyes.  Honestly, I think everyone will notice your arm for the rest of your life.  I think the most shocking part, for you, will be that some of them won’t really care about it.  Some guys may even be into it.  Who knows.  Your job is not to ward them off at the pass.  Just be yourself.  Keep putting yourself out there and, sooner or later, on the tenth date or the hundredth one, you will find a man with whom all the pieces fit.  Your only task is to enjoy the ride wherever it may take you.  This is my philosophy on life and I live by it ferociously.

As for the second date/flowers/CD guy…I say give him a call and ask him directly what his feelings are.  He may not give you an honest answer but you can at least put it out there.  “Do you want a second date or not?”  “I like you but think you may have some reservations about my arm.  It’s okay if it’s a problem.  No hard feelings.  Just let me know so I don’t waste my time.”  Or something else equally as direct will do.  Don’t throw yourself under the bus because of this arm of yours.  Know that you are a viable, desirable candidate swimming around out there in this gigantic dating pool.  You have as much right to be there as anyone else.  Go for men who turn you on and don’t settle for one because he is “not disgusted by my arm” and think that is the best you can get.  It isn’t.  You can do better.  Just keep trying and, I’m sounding like Oprah here, but she’s often right on the money….believe in yourself.

I tend to be a premature ejaculator and my penis is very sensitive and actually quite small.  I always am embarassed when I have sex, but my partner says he doesnt care.  Also, when Im done cumming, I am not interested in sex anymore.  Is there something majorly wrong with me or what???

Hey There,

You question was actually in two parts so let me start with your first concern.  Every man, gay or straight, has at some point worried about the size of his penis.  Some are concerned, like you, that it is too small.  Some guys, believe it or not, worry that their penises are too big. Some of their sex partners are turned off by it.  I tell them the same thing I’m going to tell you.  There is somebody out there for everyone.  Some guys like guys with small penises.  Some men love to top a nice looking guy with a great ass and a small dick.  It’s a huge turn on for them.  There is a certain power dynamic involved that is questionable but for many couples it works.  Also, some men love to bottom for guys with small dicks because they are sensitive around getting fucked.  Guys with larger penises hurt them during insertion.  So they actually look for guys with small endowments.  God gave you what you have.  There is very little you can do about it.  Seek out the men who appreciate your god given gifts and enjoy.

Your concern about not being interested in sex after you cum is another story.  For the most part, it is somewhat common to veer away from sexual thoughts right after you have ejaculated.  That is somewhat of the purpose of cumming.  You’re horny.  You look for sex until you find it.  You have sex.  You cum.  And then you can get on with the rest of your day.  Pretty normal scenario.   My question to you would be how long you are uninterested in sex after ejaculation and what your specific thoughts are.  If it’s “now I can get on with my day” thoughts and you don’t think about it until later that day or the next day, it seems fine.  If you’re thoughts are “I can’t believe I just did that.  I must NEVER do that again”, then you have an issue around sexuality.  My suggestion either way would be to get yourself to a good therapist, preferably a gay one, and talk more in depth about some of your feelings and thoughts around sex.   Find out what motivates you toward a sexual encounter and what draws you away from one.  The answers to those questions should give you more insight.  Good luck.

I read your response to the guy with the partner HIV revelation. You are a very wise man and I learned more from your response….but how would one truly know about cuts in the mouth…. isn’t that activity somewhat risky…

Gene Schuyler – I like your column and admire you

Hey Gene,

Thanks for your email and your kind words.  I appreciate them.  You are correct about the cuts on the mouth.  It is not an exact science.  One mile marker is if your cuts are actually bleeding.  If you can see blood, do not engage in receptive oral sex.  An example is flossing.  For about 1/2 hour after flossing some guys have minimal bleeding.  If you floss, wait 30 or 60 minutes before giving a blowjob.  This should give your gums time to begin to heal by forming a protective covering over the cut.  Once this barrier is formed, chances of infection decrease.  I hope that helps.  Thanks again for writing in.  Take Care, Mark Rutherford LCSW

Dear Sexpert,

My boyfriend and I just broke up after being together for almost three years. We were really good friends before we started dating, and about three months after we started sleeping together, he moved in with me. We had a very good relationship, got along great, rarely ever fought, and enjoyed each other’s company. But slowly I began realizing he just wasn’t the right person for me. It pained me greatly as this realization grew stronger and after almost three years, I decided that it wasn’t fair to him to continue being together if he wasn’t making me completely happy. Now, considering we had been friends first, and are staying close friends, is it a bad idea to continue to live together? There are two bedrooms, so we wouldn’t have to sleep together anymore, but is it generally a bad idea to continue cohabiting with someone after you’ve broken up? Thanks for your advice.

Signed, Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Dear Breaking Up,

Your question falls under the heading of “case by case basis”. There are so many factors involved in transitioning from a love based relationship to one based on just friendship. Some couples find the sexual/emotional component to be the hardest change. The trouble spots that usually pop up are around outside sexual behavior and dating other people. Will the two of you have sex with each other at all anymore? Can you date other people? Is it okay to bring another guy home? Can you fuck another guy in your old shared bed? Do you tell each other about your outside sexual/emotional encounters or try to “spare” their feelings?

Another problem area is that around finances and the separation of previously joined assets. Do you separate your accounts? How will bills be paid? Do both names stay on the mortgage? Does furniture you have bought together as a couple get divided between the two of you? Who gets the dog should one of you decide to move?

What are the rules? Each couple is different. What works for one couple may not work at all for another couple. Some couples transition with minimum difficulty. Some couple’s find it is too hard to try to stay together and just be friends. My suggestion is to talk with your friend/ex-boyfriend and get some idea of where he is coming from. As the person who is being left, he probably has some thoughts of his own. Whether it be with a boyfriend or best friend, the ability to discuss all topics, good, bad and ugly, remains a crucial component.

Dear Sexpert,

There’s this guy at the local video store that I think may be interested in me. It’s not an adult video place or anything like that. It’s just for regular videos. I go in about once a week and every time I look up from the movies I’m browsing, he’s staring right at me. He always looks away immediately but then, like he’s trying to get his courage up, he looks back at me with his head slightly turned down. He checks me out almost every time. Honestly, I’m totally turned on by this kid.

He’s about ten years younger than me. I’m in my mid thirties and he’s probably somewhere in his twenties. He’s such a hottie though. He’s kind of got that punk thing going on with a few piercings and some tattoos and a goatee. But he has sweet blue eyes and I just want to come over the counter and fuck him right there in the store.

I know he is into me but I’m not sure how to make the first move. I have a somewhat high profile job in my town but I’m not in the closet or anything. People know I’m gay but it might not look too good for a professional man to be dating some kid. I know if I made a move he would accept. I’m just not sure what move I should make and how it might play out.

Signed, Robert

Dear Robert,

How you behave towards this young man depends on what you want from him. You talked a bit about how you would feel about dating him. Is this what you want? It sounds like you might just be sexually attracted to him and want to have sex with him (on the floor of the video store or elsewhere).   Sex and dating are not the same thing. Sex can be incorporated into dating but it doesn’t have to be. So my first thought would be to narrow down what you want from him. A good hot fuck does not require dinner at the local see-and-be-seen restaurant. All you need is some lube, some condoms, and maybe an Eminem CD.

One thought would be to err on the side of discretion. Either chat him up some in the check out line or ask for help finding a particular video. Something along the lines of Pricilla Queen of the Desert or the first season of Queer as Folk DVD should give him a not so subtle hint that you are gay as well. Or you could slip him your name and number during checkout and see if he calls. This could be good if he is still in the closet and doesn’t want anyone else to know. Or you could go balls to the wall and just walk up and ask him home for a couple of hours of sweaty sex. I always prefer the direct approach but that’s just me. Your no nonsense approach might really appeal to him or scare him away. That’s a judgment call you will have to make in the moment.

However you decide to deal with this, I suggest you approach him in some way. Let him know that you are aware of his flirting and you appreciate it. It could be a hot trick or a fuck buddy. Who knows. He might even make a great boyfriend. May/December romances work all the time. However, it may never go beyond there but at least you will have some great masturbation material.