Why Kissing Matters

Published in Red Magazine

 

kissing-articleA kiss is worth a thousand words. What is in the power of a kiss. What does it signify? For most of us, it is the promise of something more. It can be the gateway to our deepest longings around love, passion, romance. I have patients in my practice who are 80 years old who still talk about their ‘first kiss’ with their one true love. The power of the kiss is the stuff of legends. But what happens when you stop kissing the one you love? Or worse…stop WANTING to kiss the one you love? When Prince Charming becomes the guy who won’t take out the trash (even though you’ve asked him 1000 times), what then? The line from that famous song “How do you keep the music playing? How do you make it last?” is an indicator to the struggles that all long term couples have.

The process of “re-romanticizing” takes work. Kissing is a perfect place to start.

– Start with appreciations of what your partner has been doing right in that area. “I love that you always give me a kiss before you leave for work. It makes me feel loved.”

-Move into a kind and honest request for what you want. People often state complaints in generalities that are too broad like “I want more passion”. Our partners are not mind readers. Be specific!   “When we make love, I would love for you to look me in the eyes more, touch my face lovingly, and kiss me tenderly in the beginning”

-Ask questions. “What would you like more of?”

-Be open to the unexpected. It is essential that we make our partners feel safe when they share what they want so try not to judge even if it’s not “your thing”. So work really hard not to crinkle your brow if your partner answers your question with “I really would enjoy if, while we are kissing, you gently bit my lower lip. And maybe, sometimes, you bit it not so gently”

Men and women have different emotional needs. We respond differently to physical needs in many areas. But we do all have one thing in common – we are all looking for love. Our jobs are to talk with our partners to find out how we can best give them the love they are looking for….so they, in turn, can do the same for us.   That’s how you keep the music playing.

Can This Marriage Be Saved?

Listen in as one real-life couple works through a major crisis in their relationship with the help of a marriage therapist.

By Lois Cahall

THE COUPLE

CTMBS illustration 1213

Jenny: 37, co-owner of a restaurant
Brian: 41, chef/co-owner of a restaurant
Married: 11 years
Kids: James, 7 months old

THE COUNSELOR

Mark Rutherford, West Palm Beach, Florida

THE BACKGROUND

After a 13-hour day working at their restaurant, Brian likes to unwind at a local bar. Jenny thinks his priorities should change now that they have a baby. They fight about it constantly.

JENNY

Brian and I met in college and we both wanted to go into the restaurant business. After graduation we found jobs helping open up a new restaurant. Not long after that we got married. After many years of working for other people, we wanted to run our own place, where Brian could be the head chef. We moved to a smaller city and opened our dreamrestaurant. Ironically, that’s when things got tough for us. I was ready for a shift to a more laid-back lifestyle, but Brian continued to stay out late every night after the restaurantclosed. We started fighting about it a lot. Things had reached a really low point for us when I found out I was pregnant.

Although we wanted to start a family, we hadn’t talked about what it would really mean for us to be parents. When James was born, Brian’s drinks-after-work routine became even more of an issue. I understand he needs to unwind after an exhausting evening, but the next morning he wakes up hungover or tired. Meanwhile, we’ve got a 6 a.m. feeding and a crying baby — and Brian has to go back to work by 9. I feel like I’m totally alone as a parent.

BRIAN

Look, I have a lot on my mind: a big new restaurant with my name on it and a new baby. My job is really tiring. I start prep work in the morning and then cook until 11 p.m., sometimes making 200-plus meals, and I close up around midnight. I need to decompress after that. I can’t go home to a quiet house and fall asleep. But at 1 a.m. Jenny texts me and says, “Where ARE you?” and the same fight starts all over again. I can’t win. I worked hard so we could have this life. I provide for her and our son. I help out around the house when I have free time. Why can’t I have a few drinks after work?

JENNY

I’m mad because I feel abandoned. I’m stuck at home, alone, with a baby. I need help and I want to know that we’re in this together. So when Brian doesn’t come home at a normal hour, I end up sending him snarky texts with remarks like “Are you even coming home tonight?”

BRIAN

When she sends me a nasty text message, I don’t even open it. I already know what it’s going to say so I just turn my phone off and check out. This situation reminds me of when I was a boy. I played football to make my father happy but because I had to practice so much he was always angry with me for not being around to do other things. Vicious cycle.

JENNY

I’m not his dad, I’m his wife–and I need to know he cares. But the more I reach out the more he shuts down. I worry things will be like this forever. If Brian’s not around, how will it affect James? I want my husband to go out and have fun but I also want him to be here on weekends to go to the park or get ice cream with us.

BRIAN

Jenny’s a great person, but when she complains like this she does sound like my dad and it makes me shut down. My father was always lecturing me about my grades or how the lawn wasn’t mowed right. He used to drive me so crazy that I would sneak out of the house and hang out with my buddies. I just couldn’t win. I’d shut up and stew about it in my head and then find some way to blow off steam. That’s what I’ve been doing with Jenny. But something has to change because I’m not a little boy anymore, and nobody’s happy with this marriage as it stands.

 

The Counselor’s Turn

THE COUNSELOR

When couples scream and yell at each other during a session, I know they’re still in love. Even though it feels hostile, the connection is alive. So I told Jenny and Brian that their marriage still had a chance to survive.

The dynamic between them was a classic power struggle. The real problem was that they weren’t communicating well. On the surface nothing about their life plan had changed. Brian was doing what he set out to do: own a business. Jenny had a baby, something they both said they had wanted for a long time. But they weren’t prepared for all the changes that they would have to make in order to manage it all.

They’d been through the argument about his staying out too late a hundred times. Brian has to put in long hours in order to make their restaurant be successful. Because of his schedule, the bulk of the child care was falling to Jenny. These two simply didn’t know how to navigate the situation.

Jenny’s feelings were hurt since she felt alone, but instead of expressing that directly she would send Brian angry, judgmental texts. Brian adored Jenny, but the more she complained, the more he wanted to check out, when he really should have told her directly how her texts made him feel. I call this the tiger — turtle dynamic. In this case, Jenny was the tiger and Brian was the turtle. The more she roared, the more he went into his shell.

As with many couples, the root of the problem could be traced back to their childhoods. When Brian was a kid, it was smart to check out. His dad was critical and always had the last word. Brian really couldn’t have won. But now, as an adult, Brian’s habit of checking out was ruining his connection with Jenny. As a child, Jenny learned that being aggressive was the best way to get her needs met.

“These reactions are coping mechanisms,” I told them. “But the more you hold on to these childhood reactions, the more they take away from your adult relationships and the more power they continue to have over you.” The inevitable conflicts people have with their partners give them the chance to learn to do things in a new way and let certain behaviors go.

In the end, this is what Brian and Jenny accomplished. Jenny realized that even the act of coming into therapy was a huge risk for Brian because he was forcing himself to come out of his turtle shell. When Jenny understood this, she began to feel the connection again instead of focusing on all the things Brian was doing wrong.

Brian wanted to spend more time with his family but he had a pattern of shutting down when he felt he was being judged or criticized. When they first came to therapy he barely said a word. But Brian finally spoke up — after four sessions — and was very articulate. He still loved her, he explained. He was just frustrated by all the criticism.

Although what Brian was saying was negative, Jenny began to calm down. The fact that he was being open with her reassured her that he was still in the marriage and that he still cared. Also, when she understood how her criticism made him feel, she softened. The more empathy she showed, the more he continued to speak honestly.

It took some time but as Jenny started to tell Brian how she felt instead of criticizing him, he stopped retreating. And with each step Brian made toward open communication, Jenny felt more secure. As a result, her texts became less needy. Meanwhile, Brian began to realize the power in saying what he felt.

michelle-obama-ladies-home-journal-cover-leadOnce communication had improved, Brian and Jenny worked on being more flexible about their schedules. Brian now lets Jenny know when he wants to stay out late and Jenny lets him have his downtime. Then she returned to work at the restaurant part-time, which means Brian gets up with their son three days a week. They also found a part-time babysitter. Though that was hard financially, they both agreed it was a good decision.

Their marriage is far from perfect, of course. Brian still puts in long hours. Once in a while he stays out late and has a few drinks. But it happens less frequently and neither spouse counts it as “the issue.” Brian and Jenny still get annoyed at each other, but those frustrations aren’t ruling the marriage.

“Now I think twice about what I say in texts,” Jenny says. “Sometimes I send cute messages with a photo of James and me: ‘Hi honey, get home safely. We love you.’” Brian’s changed his habits, too. “When I see Jenny’s texts come in, I don’t get all defensive like I used to. I smile, knowing she’s texting because she really does love me, and just wants us to be a happy family.”

Published in Ladies Home Journal

Making the First Move

Dear Sexpert,

There’s this guy at the local video store that I think may be interested in me. It’s not an adult video place or anything like that. It’s just for regular videos. I go in about once a week and every time I look up from the movies I’m browsing, he’s staring right at me. He always looks away immediately but then, like he’s trying to get his courage up, he looks back at me with his head slightly turned down. He checks me out almost every time. Honestly, I’m totally turned on by this kid.

He’s about ten years younger than me. I’m in my mid thirties and he’s probably somewhere in his twenties. He’s such a hottie though. He’s kind of got that punk thing going on with a few piercings and some tattoos and a goatee. But he has sweet blue eyes and I just want to come over the counter and fuck him right there in the store.

I know he is into me but I’m not sure how to make the first move. I have a somewhat high profile job in my town but I’m not in the closet or anything. People know I’m gay but it might not look too good for a professional man to be dating some kid. I know if I made a move he would accept. I’m just not sure what move I should make and how it might play out.

Signed, Robert

Dear Robert,

How you behave towards this young man depends on what you want from him. You talked a bit about how you would feel about dating him. Is this what you want? It sounds like you might just be sexually attracted to him and want to have sex with him (on the floor of the video store or elsewhere).   Sex and dating are not the same thing. Sex can be incorporated into dating but it doesn’t have to be. So my first thought would be to narrow down what you want from him. A good hot fuck does not require dinner at the local see-and-be-seen restaurant. All you need is some lube, some condoms, and maybe an Eminem CD.

One thought would be to err on the side of discretion. Either chat him up some in the check out line or ask for help finding a particular video. Something along the lines of Pricilla Queen of the Desert or the first season of Queer as Folk DVD should give him a not so subtle hint that you are gay as well. Or you could slip him your name and number during checkout and see if he calls. This could be good if he is still in the closet and doesn’t want anyone else to know. Or you could go balls to the wall and just walk up and ask him home for a couple of hours of sweaty sex. I always prefer the direct approach but that’s just me. Your no nonsense approach might really appeal to him or scare him away. That’s a judgment call you will have to make in the moment.

However you decide to deal with this, I suggest you approach him in some way. Let him know that you are aware of his flirting and you appreciate it. It could be a hot trick or a fuck buddy. Who knows. He might even make a great boyfriend. May/December romances work all the time. However, it may never go beyond there but at least you will have some great masturbation material.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Dear Sexpert, 

My boyfriend and I just broke up after being together for almost three years. We were really good friends before we started dating, and about three months after we started sleeping together, he moved in with me. We had a very good relationship, got along great, rarely ever fought, and enjoyed each other’s company. But slowly I began realizing he just wasn’t the right person for me. It pained me greatly as this realization grew stronger and after almost three years, I decided that it wasn’t fair to him to continue being together if he wasn’t making me completely happy. Now, considering we had been friends first, and are staying close friends, is it a bad idea to continue to live together? There are two bedrooms, so we wouldn’t have to sleep together anymore, but is it generally a bad idea to continue cohabiting with someone after you’ve broken up? Thanks for your advice. 

Signed, Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Dear Breaking Up,

Your question falls under the heading of “case by case basis”. There are so many factors involved in transitioning from a love based relationship to one based on just friendship. Some couples find the sexual/emotional component to be the hardest change. The trouble spots that usually pop up are around outside sexual behavior and dating other people. Will the two of you have sex with each other at all anymore? Can you date other people? Is it okay to bring another guy home? Can you fuck another guy in your old shared bed? Do you tell each other about your outside sexual/emotional encounters or try to “spare” their feelings?

Another problem area is that around finances and the separation of previously joined assets. Do you separate your accounts? How will bills be paid? Do both names stay on the mortgage? Does furniture you have bought together as a couple get divided between the two of you? Who gets the dog should one of you decide to move?

What are the rules? Each couple is different. What works for one couple may not work at all for another couple. Some couples transition with minimum difficulty. Some couple’s find it is too hard to try to stay together and just be friends. My suggestion is to talk with your friend/ex-boyfriend and get some idea of where he is coming from. As the person who is being left, he probably has some thoughts of his own. Whether it be with a boyfriend or best friend, the ability to discuss all topics, good, bad and ugly, remains a crucial component.

Early Release

I tend to be a premature ejaculator and my penis is very sensitive and actually quite small.  I always am embarassed when I have sex, but my partner says he doesnt care.  Also, when Im done cumming, I am not interested in sex anymore.  Is there something majorly wrong with me or what???

Hey There,

You question was actually in two parts so let me start with your first concern.  Every man, gay or straight, has at some point worried about the size of his penis.  Some are concerned, like you, that it is too small.  Some guys, believe it or not, worry that their penises are too big. Some of their sex partners are turned off by it.  I tell them the same thing I’m going to tell you.  There is somebody out there for everyone.  Some guys like guys with small penises.  Some men love to top a nice looking guy with a great ass and a small dick.  It’s a huge turn on for them.  There is a certain power dynamic involved that is questionable but for many couples it works.  Also, some men love to bottom for guys with small dicks because they are sensitive around getting fucked.  Guys with larger penises hurt them during insertion.  So they actually look for guys with small endowments.  God gave you what you have.  There is very little you can do about it.  Seek out the men who appreciate your god given gifts and enjoy.

Your concern about not being interested in sex after you cum is another story.  For the most part, it is somewhat common to veer away from sexual thoughts right after you have ejaculated.  That is somewhat of the purpose of cumming.  You’re horny.  You look for sex until you find it.  You have sex.  You cum.  And then you can get on with the rest of your day.  Pretty normal scenario.   My question to you would be how long you are uninterested in sex after ejaculation and what your specific thoughts are.  If it’s “now I can get on with my day” thoughts and you don’t think about it until later that day or the next day, it seems fine.  If you’re thoughts are “I can’t believe I just did that.  I must NEVER do that again”, then you have an issue around sexuality.  My suggestion either way would be to get yourself to a good therapist, preferably a gay one, and talk more in depth about some of your feelings and thoughts around sex.   Find out what motivates you toward a sexual encounter and what draws you away from one.  The answers to those questions should give you more insight.  Good luck.

The 52 Year Old Virgin

Dear Dr. Rutherford,

I found your name listed in the Sexpert coulumn in MEN magazine, offering help, so I’m ask for it now.

I have a very unusual problem I will just bet you have never heard before. I am a 52-year-old gay near-virgin trying to find a partner for a long-term relationship. How did I get to be such an old virgin, you ask? That’s pretty simple; I just never thought anyone could love me, or want to make love to me because of the birth defect that I have. You see, I have a deformed right arm. It’ similar, but not quite, to the thalidomide babies of the 1950’s (you may have to look that up; no one seems to remember that any more), but with a shirt on, I just look like an amputee. So, I just sailed through life thinking I’d have to live my life alone, and I got pretty good at making everyone think I was just a nice, straight guy, even though I knew all the time I was gay.

Well, something snapped this summer, and it suddenly dawned upon me that I really don’t want to spend what’s left of my life alone. So, last month, I actually started making an attempt to find someone, but it has been very frustrating, more so, I think, that what a normal gay man would go through, because not only do I have to deal with all the normal issues that go along with dating, there’s this huge issue of my deformity. I’m not really into the bar scene, but I did try going to one; I mostly just got the “look” of something that doesn’t belong. I’ve bought a membership to two popular dating websites, where so far, I’ve actually had two dates, which isn’t bad considering I only signed up a month ago. The first date was wth a man 8 years older than I, and we’ve had three dates so far. I told him how I looked before we met, and he said he didn’t mind. Instead of a neutral place, I went to his house on the first date. He was very passionate, with lots of kissing, but I was too nervous to go all the way. On the second date, again at his house, we went almost all the way- everthing but anal, and only because he went soft while sticking it in, and couldn’t get it up again. He made me keep my shirt on the whole time; it was a tad demeaning. We were supposed to go bar-hopping on the third date, but when I called to pick him up at his house, he said he wasn’t feeling well, so we went out to eat, and I dropped him off back at his house. On every one of these dates, he constantly refers to his “ex”, which makes me wonder if I’m just a substitute for that, and he whines a lot. I don’t think we’re really a good match, but he’s all I have right now.

I just got back from a first-meeting type date with an absolutely gorgeous man who is four years my junior. As before, I clearly told him what I looked like,and once again, he said he didn’t mind. He wanted to meet at a neutral spot, so we went to a cozy coffee place, where we talked for two hours. He is just an incredibly good match for me because we have an unbelievable amount of similar tastes, and we’re in the same profession. I absolutely adore this guy, but when I asked him if he’d like to go out with me, all he said was, “I don’t know,” and that was it, and that’s how we parted. While I was driving home, he called me on my cell phone to thank me for the rose I’d given him (I guess he’d just read the card I enclosed with it) and the classical music CD I gave him because him because he’d told me it was his favorite music, and he said he’d call me later that evening. When he didn’t call, I called him, and we chatted awhile. I asked if he’d like to go and do something later in the week, or maybe have me over to his house, only because he told me he’d rather spend time at home. Once again, all I ended up with was the same, “I don’t know,” reply. I can’t figure out if he is afraid of me, or really doen’t want me, but that seems weird, since I found him advertising himself on a dating site. I am so confused.

I need some help here. I think I’m doing most things right, but I could sure use some help in getting past this deformity thing of mine. Can you give me any advice as to how to approach this whole new world of dating, given my special problem? Where can I find a date in this special case? Should I be getting this frustrated this early in the game? Does it take normal people a long time to find someone? And- most of all- how can I land that second guy?

Thanks you so much for any help you can give. I really appreciate it. This is all so new to me, and I’m so unsure of myself.

Sincerely,

Marc Erwin

Hey Marc,

My apologies for the late reply.  I receive quite a bit of emails and sometimes it takes a while to answer them all.  Your letter really struck me.  The first emotion I had when reading it was an admiration for how much courage you have.  First to realize that someone could actually love you and then to do something about it by putting yourself out there and beginning the dating process.  I don’t want to sound patronizing but I really believe it is a courageous thing.  It is somewhat analogous, although not exactly like, beginning to date again after an HIV diagnosis.  With HIV, you can’t see the difference between you and the other guy but you know it’s there.  With you, the difference is obvious.  I am familiar with the Thalidomide syndrome and the many deformities that drug caused.  My understanding is that, while there is a deformity, the rest of the person functions and operates “normally”.  That phrase being used here to describe “like most of the general population”.

First off, dating is hard.  It doesn’t matter who you are or what you look like.  Interacting with other humans when things like love and sex are concerned muddies the water and makes it hard for everyone involved.  It’s work to continue to put yourself out there without the assurance of getting anything back in return.  That being said, it can be a lot of fun.  I always tell people to look at it like an adventure.  Like Forrest Gump said, “life is like a box of chocolates”.  You never know what you’re going to get.  That’s half the fun.  Tall, dark, white, yellow, red, short, fat, skinny, beefy, blind, bald, hairy, pretty, rugged, limp, one arm, one leg, bearded, smooth, deaf, shy, loud, obnoxious, kind, blue eyes, brown…..and the list goes on and on.  You get my point.

The real point is that although these things matter on some level, what really matters is the connection between the two people.  Essentially, what is in their hearts.  Now you might meet some people who may not be able to get past the “stuff”.  This is an unfortunate but predictable part of the dating process.  Get right with this concept in your head before you meet the person and it will prepare you for the ride you will take with them.  Some will not want to connect.  Ride over.  Some might just want sex but nothing else.  Your decision…I say go for it if your safe.  Experience is a good thing.  Some might want to date you for a while but may not be able to commit.  Some may be available for the whole shebang…connection, dating, sex, and, drumroll please, Love.  You have to look at it like it is out of your control.  And it truly is.  All you can be is yourself.  The rest is up to them.

The guy who said “I don’t know” was probably being completely honest.  He may not know. It is up to you if you want to continue to date a guy if he is so unsure of himself and his feelings.  Your self confidence says “take what you can get” but I would question this.  Your different arm is only one small piece of you.  Although it has felt like such a huge piece to you for so long it has taken on mythic proportions and become bigger than it should be in your eyes.  Honestly, I think everyone will notice your arm for the rest of your life.  I think the most shocking part, for you, will be that some of them won’t really care about it.  Some guys may even be into it.  Who knows.  Your job is not to ward them off at the pass.  Just be yourself.  Keep putting yourself out there and, sooner or later, on the tenth date or the hundredth one, you will find a man with whom all the pieces fit.  Your only task is to enjoy the ride wherever it may take you.  This is my philosophy on life and I live by it ferociously.

As for the second date/flowers/CD guy…I say give him a call and ask him directly what his feelings are.  He may not give you an honest answer but you can at least put it out there.  “Do you want a second date or not?”  “I like you but think you may have some reservations about my arm.  It’s okay if it’s a problem.  No hard feelings.  Just let me know so I don’t waste my time.”  Or something else equally as direct will do.  Don’t throw yourself under the bus because of this arm of yours.  Know that you are a viable, desirable candidate swimming around out there in this gigantic dating pool.  You have as much right to be there as anyone else.  Go for men who turn you on and don’t settle for one because he is “not disgusted by my arm” and think that is the best you can get.  It isn’t.  You can do better.  Just keep trying and, I’m sounding like Oprah here, but she’s often right on the money….believe in yourself.

The Auto Orgasm

Hi Mark!  

I was having a discussion recently with my best friend about fucking.  One of my favorite subjects!  We hit on a couple of topics that we disagreed strongly on, as usual.  I am hoping that you might find these questions somewhat interesting and perhaps worthy of being answered in your Sexpert column. I truly value your time and consideration. Is there such a thing as, for lack of a better term, an “auto-orgasm”?  My best friend and I were having this discussion recently about anal sex.  He contends that if you are bottoming for a guy that you are really in to, and he is fucking you in a way that stimulates the prostate in a deep, steady and rhythmic fashion, that he can make you cum without any manual stimulation of the penis.  Is this for real?  Sounds like an old wive’s (er…..old queen’s) tale to me.  If it is possible, that would be fantastic!  Now I feel that I may have really missed out on something. 

My buddy claims that most of the stimulation is actually mental, hence the prerequisite of really being in to the guy that your with.  This also relates to why sometimes it is more difficult to dilate the anal sphincter adequately to avoid a painful experience.  I can remember being with some pretty big guys who put a lot of time and effort into their foreplay (a rare thing usually), and I was so excited by the anticipation that when it came time to enter me, I didn’t feel a thing.  Well, nothing bad anyway!  Please tell me how much of “doing the deed” enjoyably depends on mental stimulation, as well as manual stimulation.  How does all of this work?

Hi Bob,

Thanks for writing in. I spoke with some colleagues and some friends of mine. I also did a bit of research. The first thing that came up for me are those great Kristen Bjorn movies where the guys who are getting fucked come without touching themselves. I believe that is a perfect example of an auto-orgasm. The concept of the prostrate being massaged in such a way that it could stimulate orgasm with no external manual help. Barring direct counsel from Mr. Bjorn and with little written information on the subject, I had to rely on the experiences of my friends and myself. Nothing like a little grass roots experimentation.

The consensus is that it can and does happen all the time. The X factor in this does not lie in the physical component of a sexual connection. You are indeed right on target when you hypothesized about the mental/emotional component. If a guy really is “into” another guy it greatly heightens the possibility of an auto-orgasm. The stories seem to center around fulfillment of some sort of fantasy for the guy who is bottoming. I have heard stories like being in a group scene where the person in question is bottoming for a number of men. One man told me about fulfilling his fantasy of being tied up and fucked in a sling. Another told a story about always dreaming of being with a very muscular black man with a large dick. He recalled that while he was having intercourse with the man he continued to play out his long held fantasy in his head. The orgasm came when he moved from his fantasy, during the act, to realize he was actually participating in the fantasy. This realization caused, according to this gentleman, the most intense orgasm he had ever had….all without touching himself. Some of it may have had to do with the size of the top’s penis or how hard he was fucking the bottom. These factors could have played into the stimulation of the prostrate. However, the key seems to be getting what you always dreamed about.

This sort of fantasy fulfillment has been the common thread in most of the stories I have been told. They all involve some level on intensity that is not present in other sexual connections. The other factor that has come up in the stories was the presence of amyl nitrate or “poppers” during these sexual encounters. Possibly the dilating of the blood vessels which stimulates blood flow contributes to the success of an auto orgasm. Hope this helps in some sort of way.

The Positives and Negatives of HIV Sex

Dear Sexpert: 

I have a question that I probably already know the answer for, but here goes anyway.  What kind of safe sex can you have with a guy is HIV+, if you are HIV-.  I never bareback, so hopefully that part is covered, but my question concerns oral.  I am a very oral guy and love to deep throat a guy, but I was wondering about the fluids.  I have talked to several guys who are in the medical field, and they tell me that if you don’t have any open sores in your mouth, that “fluids” will not hurt you, since the HIV virus is very weak, and probably wouldn’t make it past the acid in your stomach.  I don’t know about all this medical stuff, but I hate to reject a really hot guy, just because he is HIV+.  I am sure a lot of guys out there would like some advice on this, since the HIV+ guys are probably getting tired of being treated like they have leprosy.  Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated. The answer you will probably give me is “it is safe to email or talk on the phone”.  

LOL..  Thanx for your help. 

Hey Bob,

Thanks for writing in.  Your joke at the end of your email is a gentle reminder that no sex is really safe.  That being said, sex is a basic human need and we all have it….even if it is just with ourselves.  Our best bet in this imperfect world is to navigate the landscape of sex and sexual behavior in a way that feels good and comfortable and right.  This decision making process is a very individual and personal thing.

Some guys have oral sex with a condom.  Many guys choose to get or give blowjobs without using a condom.  Some men let guys come in their mouths.  Some guys opt to have their partner pull out before coming inside them.  Some guys choose not to have anal sex at all.  Some guys choose to fuck with a condom.  We have all witnessed the dangerous trend of barebacking where guys choose to fuck without a condom.  These are just a few of the myriad of choices out there for gay men.  Sometimes the choices seem overwhelming and confusing.

The basics are that you are reasonably safe if you give a guy a good blow job and don’t let him come in your mouth.  If they come inside you, the best bet is to spit it out.  If you do swallow, there is some evidence that the fluids in your mouth and stomach will help to kill the virus.  However, I think your other question is more pertinent.  How to treat your fellow gay men, HIV+ or not, as human beings rather than objects to be desired or reviled.  We all love a hot ass or a big dick.  This objectification is normal on some level.  However, our thrust as human beings is to see and know others for their “human-ness”.  This means to see inside a person and know more about him than just his body part.

This can even happen at a bath house or sex party.  Ask your partner’s HIV status.  Talk with him about it and have a discussion about what sexual acts feel comfortable and which do not.  The goal is to not judge or shame either person.  The goal is to provide a safe environment where both parties can feel comfortable about enjoying and expressing their sexuality.  Good luck.

Sexpert #17

Dear Dr. Rutherford,

I found your name listed in the Sexpert coulumn in MEN magazine, offering help, so I’m ask for it now.

I have a very unusual problem I will just bet you have never heard before. I am a 52-year-old gay near-virgin trying to find a partner for a long-term relationship. How did I get to be such an old virgin, you ask? That’s pretty simple; I just never thought anyone could love me, or want to make love to me because of the birth defect that I have. You see, I have a deformed right arm. It’ similar, but not quite, to the thalidomide babies of the 1950’s (you may have to look that up; no one seems to remember that any more), but with a shirt on, I just look like an amputee. So, I just sailed through life thinking I’d have to live my life alone, and I got pretty good at making everyone think I was just a nice, straight guy, even though I knew all the time I was gay.

Well, something snapped this summer, and it suddenly dawned upon me that I really don’t want to spend what’s left of my life alone. So, last month, I actually started making an attempt to find someone, but it has been very frustrating, more so, I think, that what a normal gay man would go through, because not only do I have to deal with all the normal issues that go along with dating, there’s this huge issue of my deformity. I’m not really into the bar scene, but I did try going to one; I mostly just got the “look” of something that doesn’t belong. I’ve bought a membership to two popular dating websites, where so far, I’ve actually had two dates, which isn’t bad considering I only signed up a month ago. The first date was wth a man 8 years older than I, and we’ve had three dates so far. I told him how I looked before we met, and he said he didn’t mind. Instead of a neutral place, I went to his house on the first date. He was very passionate, with lots of kissing, but I was too nervous to go all the way. On the second date, again at his house, we went almost all the way- everthing but anal, and only because he went soft while sticking it in, and couldn’t get it up again. He made me keep my shirt on the whole time; it was a tad demeaning. We were supposed to go bar-hopping on the third date, but when I called to pick him up at his house, he said he wasn’t feeling well, so we went out to eat, and I dropped him off back at his house. On every one of these dates, he constantly refers to his “ex”, which makes me wonder if I’m just a substitute for that, and he whines a lot. I don’t think we’re really a good match, but he’s all I have right now.

I just got back from a first-meeting type date with an absolutely gorgeous man who is four years my junior. As before, I clearly told him what I looked like,and once again, he said he didn’t mind. He wanted to meet at a neutral spot, so we went to a cozy coffee place, where we talked for two hours. He is just an incredibly good match for me because we have an unbelievable amount of similar tastes, and we’re in the same profession. I absolutely adore this guy, but when I asked him if he’d like to go out with me, all he said was, “I don’t know,” and that was it, and that’s how we parted. While I was driving home, he called me on my cell phone to thank me for the rose I’d given him (I guess he’d just read the card I enclosed with it) and the classical music CD I gave him because him because he’d told me it was his favorite music, and he said he’d call me later that evening. When he didn’t call, I called him, and we chatted awhile. I asked if he’d like to go and do something later in the week, or maybe have me over to his house, only because he told me he’d rather spend time at home. Once again, all I ended up with was the same, “I don’t know,” reply. I can’t figure out if he is afraid of me, or really doen’t want me, but that seems weird, since I found him advertising himself on a dating site. I am so confused.

I need some help here. I think I’m doing most things right, but I could sure use some help in getting past this deformity thing of mine. Can you give me any advice as to how to approach this whole new world of dating, given my special problem? Where can I find a date in this special case? Should I be getting this frustrated this early in the game? Does it take normal people a long time to find someone? And- most of all- how can I land that second guy?

Thanks you so much for any help you can give. I really appreciate it. This is all so new to me, and I’m so unsure of myself.

Sincerely,

Marc Erwin

 

Hey Marc,

My apologies for the late reply.  I receive quite a bit of emails and sometimes it takes a while to answer them all.  Your letter really struck me.  The first emotion I had when reading it was an admiration for how much courage you have.  First to realize that someone could actually love you and then to do something about it by putting yourself out there and beginning the dating process.  I don’t want to sound patronizing but I really believe it is a courageous thing.  It is somewhat analogous, although not exactly like, beginning to date again after an HIV diagnosis.  With HIV, you can’t see the difference between you and the other guy but you know it’s there.  With you, the difference is obvious.  I am familiar with the Thalidomide syndrome and the many deformities that drug caused.  My understanding is that, while there is a deformity, the rest of the person functions and operates “normally”.  That phrase being used here to describe “like most of the general population”.

First off, dating is hard.  It doesn’t matter who you are or what you look like.  Interacting with other humans when things like love and sex are concerned muddies the water and makes it hard for everyone involved.  It’s work to continue to put yourself out there without the assurance of getting anything back in return.  That being said, it can be a lot of fun.  I always tell people to look at it like an adventure.  Like Forrest Gump said, “life is like a box of chocolates”.  You never know what you’re going to get.  That’s half the fun.  Tall, dark, white, yellow, red, short, fat, skinny, beefy, blind, bald, hairy, pretty, rugged, limp, one arm, one leg, bearded, smooth, deaf, shy, loud, obnoxious, kind, blue eyes, brown…..and the list goes on and on.  You get my point.

The real point is that although these things matter on some level, what really matters is the connection between the two people.  Essentially, what is in their hearts.  Now you might meet some people who may not be able to get past the “stuff”.  This is an unfortunate but predictable part of the dating process.  Get right with this concept in your head before you meet the person and it will prepare you for the ride you will take with them.  Some will not want to connect.  Ride over.  Some might just want sex but nothing else.  Your decision…I say go for it if your safe.  Experience is a good thing.  Some might want to date you for a while but may not be able to commit.  Some may be available for the whole shebang…connection, dating, sex, and, drumroll please, Love.  You have to look at it like it is out of your control.  And it truly is.  All you can be is yourself.  The rest is up to them.

The guy who said “I don’t know” was probably being completely honest.  He may not know. It is up to you if you want to continue to date a guy if he is so unsure of himself and his feelings.  Your self confidence says “take what you can get” but I would question this.  Your different arm is only one small piece of you.  Although it has felt like such a huge piece to you for so long it has taken on mythic proportions and become bigger than it should be in your eyes.  Honestly, I think everyone will notice your arm for the rest of your life.  I think the most shocking part, for you, will be that some of them won’t really care about it.  Some guys may even be into it.  Who knows.  Your job is not to ward them off at the pass.  Just be yourself.  Keep putting yourself out there and, sooner or later, on the tenth date or the hundredth one, you will find a man with whom all the pieces fit.  Your only task is to enjoy the ride wherever it may take you.  This is my philosophy on life and I live by it ferociously.

As for the second date/flowers/CD guy…I say give him a call and ask him directly what his feelings are.  He may not give you an honest answer but you can at least put it out there.  “Do you want a second date or not?”  “I like you but think you may have some reservations about my arm.  It’s okay if it’s a problem.  No hard feelings.  Just let me know so I don’t waste my time.”  Or something else equally as direct will do.  Don’t throw yourself under the bus because of this arm of yours.  Know that you are a viable, desirable candidate swimming around out there in this gigantic dating pool.  You have as much right to be there as anyone else.  Go for men who turn you on and don’t settle for one because he is “not disgusted by my arm” and think that is the best you can get.  It isn’t.  You can do better.  Just keep trying and, I’m sounding like Oprah here, but she’s often right on the money….believe in yourself.

 

 

I tend to be a premature ejaculator and my penis is very sensitive and actually quite small.  I always am embarassed when I have sex, but my partner says he doesnt care.  Also, when Im done cumming, I am not interested in sex anymore.  Is there something majorly wrong with me or what???

 

Hey There,

You question was actually in two parts so let me start with your first concern.  Every man, gay or straight, has at some point worried about the size of his penis.  Some are concerned, like you, that it is too small.  Some guys, believe it or not, worry that their penises are too big. Some of their sex partners are turned off by it.  I tell them the same thing I’m going to tell you.  There is somebody out there for everyone.  Some guys like guys with small penises.  Some men love to top a nice looking guy with a great ass and a small dick.  It’s a huge turn on for them.  There is a certain power dynamic involved that is questionable but for many couples it works.  Also, some men love to bottom for guys with small dicks because they are sensitive around getting fucked.  Guys with larger penises hurt them during insertion.  So they actually look for guys with small endowments.  God gave you what you have.  There is very little you can do about it.  Seek out the men who appreciate your god given gifts and enjoy.

Your concern about not being interested in sex after you cum is another story.  For the most part, it is somewhat common to veer away from sexual thoughts right after you have ejaculated.  That is somewhat of the purpose of cumming.  You’re horny.  You look for sex until you find it.  You have sex.  You cum.  And then you can get on with the rest of your day.  Pretty normal scenario.   My question to you would be how long you are uninterested in sex after ejaculation and what your specific thoughts are.  If it’s “now I can get on with my day” thoughts and you don’t think about it until later that day or the next day, it seems fine.  If you’re thoughts are “I can’t believe I just did that.  I must NEVER do that again”, then you have an issue around sexuality.  My suggestion either way would be to get yourself to a good therapist, preferably a gay one, and talk more in depth about some of your feelings and thoughts around sex.   Find out what motivates you toward a sexual encounter and what draws you away from one.  The answers to those questions should give you more insight.  Good luck.

 

I read your response to the guy with the partner HIV revelation. You are a very wise man and I learned more from your response….but how would one truly know about cuts in the mouth…. isn’t that activity somewhat risky…

Gene Schuyler – I like your column and admire you

 

Hey Gene,

Thanks for your email and your kind words.  I appreciate them.  You are correct about the cuts on the mouth.  It is not an exact science.  One mile marker is if your cuts are actually bleeding.  If you can see blood, do not engage in receptive oral sex.  An example is flossing.  For about 1/2 hour after flossing some guys have minimal bleeding.  If you floss, wait 30 or 60 minutes before giving a blowjob.  This should give your gums time to begin to heal by forming a protective covering over the cut.  Once this barrier is formed, chances of infection decrease.  I hope that helps.  Thanks again for writing in.  Take Care, Mark Rutherford LCSW

 

 

 

Sexpert #14

Dear Sexpert,

My boyfriend and I just broke up after being together for almost three years. We were really good friends before we started dating, and about three months after we started sleeping together, he moved in with me. We had a very good relationship, got along great, rarely ever fought, and enjoyed each other’s company. But slowly I began realizing he just wasn’t the right person for me. It pained me greatly as this realization grew stronger and after almost three years, I decided that it wasn’t fair to him to continue being together if he wasn’t making me completely happy. Now, considering we had been friends first, and are staying close friends, is it a bad idea to continue to live together? There are two bedrooms, so we wouldn’t have to sleep together anymore, but is it generally a bad idea to continue cohabiting with someone after you’ve broken up? Thanks for your advice.

Signed, Breaking Up is Hard to Do

 

Dear Breaking Up,

Your question falls under the heading of “case by case basis”. There are so many factors involved in transitioning from a love based relationship to one based on just friendship. Some couples find the sexual/emotional component to be the hardest change. The trouble spots that usually pop up are around outside sexual behavior and dating other people. Will the two of you have sex with each other at all anymore? Can you date other people? Is it okay to bring another guy home? Can you fuck another guy in your old shared bed? Do you tell each other about your outside sexual/emotional encounters or try to “spare” their feelings?

Another problem area is that around finances and the separation of previously joined assets. Do you separate your accounts? How will bills be paid? Do both names stay on the mortgage? Does furniture you have bought together as a couple get divided between the two of you? Who gets the dog should one of you decide to move?

What are the rules? Each couple is different. What works for one couple may not work at all for another couple. Some couples transition with minimum difficulty. Some couple’s find it is too hard to try to stay together and just be friends. My suggestion is to talk with your friend/ex-boyfriend and get some idea of where he is coming from. As the person who is being left, he probably has some thoughts of his own. Whether it be with a boyfriend or best friend, the ability to discuss all topics, good, bad and ugly, remains a crucial component.

 

 

Dear Sexpert,

There’s this guy at the local video store that I think may be interested in me. It’s not an adult video place or anything like that. It’s just for regular videos. I go in about once a week and every time I look up from the movies I’m browsing, he’s staring right at me. He always looks away immediately but then, like he’s trying to get his courage up, he looks back at me with his head slightly turned down. He checks me out almost every time. Honestly, I’m totally turned on by this kid.

He’s about ten years younger than me. I’m in my mid thirties and he’s probably somewhere in his twenties. He’s such a hottie though. He’s kind of got that punk thing going on with a few piercings and some tattoos and a goatee. But he has sweet blue eyes and I just want to come over the counter and fuck him right there in the store.

I know he is into me but I’m not sure how to make the first move. I have a somewhat high profile job in my town but I’m not in the closet or anything. People know I’m gay but it might not look too good for a professional man to be dating some kid. I know if I made a move he would accept. I’m just not sure what move I should make and how it might play out.

Signed, Robert

 

Dear Robert,

How you behave towards this young man depends on what you want from him. You talked a bit about how you would feel about dating him. Is this what you want? It sounds like you might just be sexually attracted to him and want to have sex with him (on the floor of the video store or elsewhere).   Sex and dating are not the same thing. Sex can be incorporated into dating but it doesn’t have to be. So my first thought would be to narrow down what you want from him. A good hot fuck does not require dinner at the local see-and-be-seen restaurant. All you need is some lube, some condoms, and maybe an Eminem CD.

One thought would be to err on the side of discretion. Either chat him up some in the check out line or ask for help finding a particular video. Something along the lines of Pricilla Queen of the Desert or the first season of Queer as Folk DVD should give him a not so subtle hint that you are gay as well. Or you could slip him your name and number during checkout and see if he calls. This could be good if he is still in the closet and doesn’t want anyone else to know. Or you could go balls to the wall and just walk up and ask him home for a couple of hours of sweaty sex. I always prefer the direct approach but that’s just me. Your no nonsense approach might really appeal to him or scare him away. That’s a judgment call you will have to make in the moment.

However you decide to deal with this, I suggest you approach him in some way. Let him know that you are aware of his flirting and you appreciate it. It could be a hot trick or a fuck buddy. Who knows. He might even make a great boyfriend. May/December romances work all the time. However, it may never go beyond there but at least you will have some great masturbation material.