The Positives and Negatives of HIV Sex

August 6, 2016by Mark Rutherford

Dear Sexpert: 

I have a question that I probably already know the answer for, but here goes anyway.  What kind of safe sex can you have with a guy is HIV+, if you are HIV-.  I never bareback, so hopefully that part is covered, but my question concerns oral.  I am a very oral guy and love to deep throat a guy, but I was wondering about the fluids.  I have talked to several guys who are in the medical field, and they tell me that if you don’t have any open sores in your mouth, that “fluids” will not hurt you, since the HIV virus is very weak, and probably wouldn’t make it past the acid in your stomach.  I don’t know about all this medical stuff, but I hate to reject a really hot guy, just because he is HIV+.  I am sure a lot of guys out there would like some advice on this, since the HIV+ guys are probably getting tired of being treated like they have leprosy.  Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated. The answer you will probably give me is “it is safe to email or talk on the phone”.  

LOL..  Thanx for your help. 

Hey Bob,

Thanks for writing in.  Your joke at the end of your email is a gentle reminder that no sex is really safe.  That being said, sex is a basic human need and we all have it….even if it is just with ourselves.  Our best bet in this imperfect world is to navigate the landscape of sex and sexual behavior in a way that feels good and comfortable and right.  This decision making process is a very individual and personal thing.

Some guys have oral sex with a condom.  Many guys choose to get or give blowjobs without using a condom.  Some men let guys come in their mouths.  Some guys opt to have their partner pull out before coming inside them.  Some guys choose not to have anal sex at all.  Some guys choose to fuck with a condom.  We have all witnessed the dangerous trend of barebacking where guys choose to fuck without a condom.  These are just a few of the myriad of choices out there for gay men.  Sometimes the choices seem overwhelming and confusing.

The basics are that you are reasonably safe if you give a guy a good blow job and don’t let him come in your mouth.  If they come inside you, the best bet is to spit it out.  If you do swallow, there is some evidence that the fluids in your mouth and stomach will help to kill the virus.  However, I think your other question is more pertinent.  How to treat your fellow gay men, HIV+ or not, as human beings rather than objects to be desired or reviled.  We all love a hot ass or a big dick.  This objectification is normal on some level.  However, our thrust as human beings is to see and know others for their “human-ness”.  This means to see inside a person and know more about him than just his body part.

This can even happen at a bath house or sex party.  Ask your partner’s HIV status.  Talk with him about it and have a discussion about what sexual acts feel comfortable and which do not.  The goal is to not judge or shame either person.  The goal is to provide a safe environment where both parties can feel comfortable about enjoying and expressing their sexuality.  Good luck.