Why Kissing Matters

August 7, 2016by Mark Rutherford

Published in Red Magazine


kissing-articleA kiss is worth a thousand words. What is in the power of a kiss. What does it signify? For most of us, it is the promise of something more. It can be the gateway to our deepest longings around love, passion, romance. I have patients in my practice who are 80 years old who still talk about their ‘first kiss’ with their one true love. The power of the kiss is the stuff of legends. But what happens when you stop kissing the one you love? Or worse…stop WANTING to kiss the one you love? When Prince Charming becomes the guy who won’t take out the trash (even though you’ve asked him 1000 times), what then? The line from that famous song “How do you keep the music playing? How do you make it last?” is an indicator to the struggles that all long term couples have.

The process of “re-romanticizing” takes work. Kissing is a perfect place to start.

– Start with appreciations of what your partner has been doing right in that area. “I love that you always give me a kiss before you leave for work. It makes me feel loved.”

-Move into a kind and honest request for what you want. People often state complaints in generalities that are too broad like “I want more passion”. Our partners are not mind readers. Be specific!   “When we make love, I would love for you to look me in the eyes more, touch my face lovingly, and kiss me tenderly in the beginning”

-Ask questions. “What would you like more of?”

-Be open to the unexpected. It is essential that we make our partners feel safe when they share what they want so try not to judge even if it’s not “your thing”. So work really hard not to crinkle your brow if your partner answers your question with “I really would enjoy if, while we are kissing, you gently bit my lower lip. And maybe, sometimes, you bit it not so gently”

Men and women have different emotional needs. We respond differently to physical needs in many areas. But we do all have one thing in common – we are all looking for love. Our jobs are to talk with our partners to find out how we can best give them the love they are looking for….so they, in turn, can do the same for us.   That’s how you keep the music playing.