Sexpert

Dear Dr. Rutherford,

I found your name listed in the Sexpert coulumn in MEN magazine, offering help, so I’m ask for it now.

I have a very unusual problem I will just bet you have never heard before. I am a 52-year-old gay near-virgin trying to find a partner for a long-term relationship. How did I get to be such an old virgin, you ask? That’s pretty simple; I just never thought anyone could love me, or want to make love to me because of the birth defect that I have. You see, I have a deformed right arm. It’ similar, but not quite, to the thalidomide babies of the 1950’s (you may have to look that up; no one seems to remember that any more), but with a shirt on, I just look like an amputee. So, I just sailed through life thinking I’d have to live my life alone, and I got pretty good at making everyone think I was just a nice, straight guy, even though I knew all the time I was gay.

Well, something snapped this summer, and it suddenly dawned upon me that I really don’t want to spend what’s left of my life alone. So, last month, I actually started making an attempt to find someone, but it has been very frustrating, more so, I think, that what a normal gay man would go through, because not only do I have to deal with all the normal issues that go along with dating, there’s this huge issue of my deformity. I’m not really into the bar scene, but I did try going to one; I mostly just got the “look” of something that doesn’t belong. I’ve bought a membership to two popular dating websites, where so far, I’ve actually had two dates, which isn’t bad considering I only signed up a month ago. The first date was wth a man 8 years older than I, and we’ve had three dates so far. I told him how I looked before we met, and he said he didn’t mind. Instead of a neutral place, I went to his house on the first date. He was very passionate, with lots of kissing, but I was too nervous to go all the way. On the second date, again at his house, we went almost all the way- everthing but anal, and only because he went soft while sticking it in, and couldn’t get it up again. He made me keep my shirt on the whole time; it was a tad demeaning. We were supposed to go bar-hopping on the third date, but when I called to pick him up at his house, he said he wasn’t feeling well, so we went out to eat, and I dropped him off back at his house. On every one of these dates, he constantly refers to his “ex”, which makes me wonder if I’m just a substitute for that, and he whines a lot. I don’t think we’re really a good match, but he’s all I have right now.

I just got back from a first-meeting type date with an absolutely gorgeous man who is four years my junior. As before, I clearly told him what I looked like,and once again, he said he didn’t mind. He wanted to meet at a neutral spot, so we went to a cozy coffee place, where we talked for two hours. He is just an incredibly good match for me because we have an unbelievable amount of similar tastes, and we’re in the same profession. I absolutely adore this guy, but when I asked him if he’d like to go out with me, all he said was, “I don’t know,” and that was it, and that’s how we parted. While I was driving home, he called me on my cell phone to thank me for the rose I’d given him (I guess he’d just read the card I enclosed with it) and the classical music CD I gave him because him because he’d told me it was his favorite music, and he said he’d call me later that evening. When he didn’t call, I called him, and we chatted awhile. I asked if he’d like to go and do something later in the week, or maybe have me over to his house, only because he told me he’d rather spend time at home. Once again, all I ended up with was the same, “I don’t know,” reply. I can’t figure out if he is afraid of me, or really doen’t want me, but that seems weird, since I found him advertising himself on a dating site. I am so confused.

I need some help here. I think I’m doing most things right, but I could sure use some help in getting past this deformity thing of mine. Can you give me any advice as to how to approach this whole new world of dating, given my special problem? Where can I find a date in this special case? Should I be getting this frustrated this early in the game? Does it take normal people a long time to find someone? And- most of all- how can I land that second guy?

Thanks you so much for any help you can give. I really appreciate it. This is all so new to me, and I’m so unsure of myself.

Sincerely,

Marc Erwin

Hey Marc,

My apologies for the late reply.  I receive quite a bit of emails and sometimes it takes a while to answer them all.  Your letter really struck me.  The first emotion I had when reading it was an admiration for how much courage you have.  First to realize that someone could actually love you and then to do something about it by putting yourself out there and beginning the dating process.  I don’t want to sound patronizing but I really believe it is a courageous thing.  It is somewhat analogous, although not exactly like, beginning to date again after an HIV diagnosis.  With HIV, you can’t see the difference between you and the other guy but you know it’s there.  With you, the difference is obvious.  I am familiar with the Thalidomide syndrome and the many deformities that drug caused.  My understanding is that, while there is a deformity, the rest of the person functions and operates “normally”.  That phrase being used here to describe “like most of the general population”.

First off, dating is hard.  It doesn’t matter who you are or what you look like.  Interacting with other humans when things like love and sex are concerned muddies the water and makes it hard for everyone involved.  It’s work to continue to put yourself out there without the assurance of getting anything back in return.  That being said, it can be a lot of fun.  I always tell people to look at it like an adventure.  Like Forrest Gump said, “life is like a box of chocolates”.  You never know what you’re going to get.  That’s half the fun.  Tall, dark, white, yellow, red, short, fat, skinny, beefy, blind, bald, hairy, pretty, rugged, limp, one arm, one leg, bearded, smooth, deaf, shy, loud, obnoxious, kind, blue eyes, brown…..and the list goes on and on.  You get my point.

The real point is that although these things matter on some level, what really matters is the connection between the two people.  Essentially, what is in their hearts.  Now you might meet some people who may not be able to get past the “stuff”.  This is an unfortunate but predictable part of the dating process.  Get right with this concept in your head before you meet the person and it will prepare you for the ride you will take with them.  Some will not want to connect.  Ride over.  Some might just want sex but nothing else.  Your decision…I say go for it if your safe.  Experience is a good thing.  Some might want to date you for a while but may not be able to commit.  Some may be available for the whole shebang…connection, dating, sex, and, drumroll please, Love.  You have to look at it like it is out of your control.  And it truly is.  All you can be is yourself.  The rest is up to them.

The guy who said “I don’t know” was probably being completely honest.  He may not know. It is up to you if you want to continue to date a guy if he is so unsure of himself and his feelings.  Your self confidence says “take what you can get” but I would question this.  Your different arm is only one small piece of you.  Although it has felt like such a huge piece to you for so long it has taken on mythic proportions and become bigger than it should be in your eyes.  Honestly, I think everyone will notice your arm for the rest of your life.  I think the most shocking part, for you, will be that some of them won’t really care about it.  Some guys may even be into it.  Who knows.  Your job is not to ward them off at the pass.  Just be yourself.  Keep putting yourself out there and, sooner or later, on the tenth date or the hundredth one, you will find a man with whom all the pieces fit.  Your only task is to enjoy the ride wherever it may take you.  This is my philosophy on life and I live by it ferociously.

As for the second date/flowers/CD guy…I say give him a call and ask him directly what his feelings are.  He may not give you an honest answer but you can at least put it out there.  “Do you want a second date or not?”  “I like you but think you may have some reservations about my arm.  It’s okay if it’s a problem.  No hard feelings.  Just let me know so I don’t waste my time.”  Or something else equally as direct will do.  Don’t throw yourself under the bus because of this arm of yours.  Know that you are a viable, desirable candidate swimming around out there in this gigantic dating pool.  You have as much right to be there as anyone else.  Go for men who turn you on and don’t settle for one because he is “not disgusted by my arm” and think that is the best you can get.  It isn’t.  You can do better.  Just keep trying and, I’m sounding like Oprah here, but she’s often right on the money….believe in yourself.

Dear Dr. Rutherford,

I found your name listed in the Sexpert coulumn in MEN magazine, offering help, so I’m ask for it now.

I have a very unusual problem I will just bet you have never heard before. I am a 52-year-old gay near-virgin trying to find a partner for a long-term relationship. How did I get to be such an old virgin, you ask? That’s pretty simple; I just never thought anyone could love me, or want to make love to me because of the birth defect that I have. You see, I have a deformed right arm. It’ similar, but not quite, to the thalidomide babies of the 1950’s (you may have to look that up; no one seems to remember that any more), but with a shirt on, I just look like an amputee. So, I just sailed through life thinking I’d have to live my life alone, and I got pretty good at making everyone think I was just a nice, straight guy, even though I knew all the time I was gay.

Well, something snapped this summer, and it suddenly dawned upon me that I really don’t want to spend what’s left of my life alone. So, last month, I actually started making an attempt to find someone, but it has been very frustrating, more so, I think, that what a normal gay man would go through, because not only do I have to deal with all the normal issues that go along with dating, there’s this huge issue of my deformity. I’m not really into the bar scene, but I did try going to one; I mostly just got the “look” of something that doesn’t belong. I’ve bought a membership to two popular dating websites, where so far, I’ve actually had two dates, which isn’t bad considering I only signed up a month ago. The first date was wth a man 8 years older than I, and we’ve had three dates so far. I told him how I looked before we met, and he said he didn’t mind. Instead of a neutral place, I went to his house on the first date. He was very passionate, with lots of kissing, but I was too nervous to go all the way. On the second date, again at his house, we went almost all the way- everthing but anal, and only because he went soft while sticking it in, and couldn’t get it up again. He made me keep my shirt on the whole time; it was a tad demeaning. We were supposed to go bar-hopping on the third date, but when I called to pick him up at his house, he said he wasn’t feeling well, so we went out to eat, and I dropped him off back at his house. On every one of these dates, he constantly refers to his “ex”, which makes me wonder if I’m just a substitute for that, and he whines a lot. I don’t think we’re really a good match, but he’s all I have right now.

I just got back from a first-meeting type date with an absolutely gorgeous man who is four years my junior. As before, I clearly told him what I looked like,and once again, he said he didn’t mind. He wanted to meet at a neutral spot, so we went to a cozy coffee place, where we talked for two hours. He is just an incredibly good match for me because we have an unbelievable amount of similar tastes, and we’re in the same profession. I absolutely adore this guy, but when I asked him if he’d like to go out with me, all he said was, “I don’t know,” and that was it, and that’s how we parted. While I was driving home, he called me on my cell phone to thank me for the rose I’d given him (I guess he’d just read the card I enclosed with it) and the classical music CD I gave him because him because he’d told me it was his favorite music, and he said he’d call me later that evening. When he didn’t call, I called him, and we chatted awhile. I asked if he’d like to go and do something later in the week, or maybe have me over to his house, only because he told me he’d rather spend time at home. Once again, all I ended up with was the same, “I don’t know,” reply. I can’t figure out if he is afraid of me, or really doen’t want me, but that seems weird, since I found him advertising himself on a dating site. I am so confused.

I need some help here. I think I’m doing most things right, but I could sure use some help in getting past this deformity thing of mine. Can you give me any advice as to how to approach this whole new world of dating, given my special problem? Where can I find a date in this special case? Should I be getting this frustrated this early in the game? Does it take normal people a long time to find someone? And- most of all- how can I land that second guy?

Thanks you so much for any help you can give. I really appreciate it. This is all so new to me, and I’m so unsure of myself.

Sincerely,

Marc Erwin

Hey Marc,

My apologies for the late reply.  I receive quite a bit of emails and sometimes it takes a while to answer them all.  Your letter really struck me.  The first emotion I had when reading it was an admiration for how much courage you have.  First to realize that someone could actually love you and then to do something about it by putting yourself out there and beginning the dating process.  I don’t want to sound patronizing but I really believe it is a courageous thing.  It is somewhat analogous, although not exactly like, beginning to date again after an HIV diagnosis.  With HIV, you can’t see the difference between you and the other guy but you know it’s there.  With you, the difference is obvious.  I am familiar with the Thalidomide syndrome and the many deformities that drug caused.  My understanding is that, while there is a deformity, the rest of the person functions and operates “normally”.  That phrase being used here to describe “like most of the general population”.

First off, dating is hard.  It doesn’t matter who you are or what you look like.  Interacting with other humans when things like love and sex are concerned muddies the water and makes it hard for everyone involved.  It’s work to continue to put yourself out there without the assurance of getting anything back in return.  That being said, it can be a lot of fun.  I always tell people to look at it like an adventure.  Like Forrest Gump said, “life is like a box of chocolates”.  You never know what you’re going to get.  That’s half the fun.  Tall, dark, white, yellow, red, short, fat, skinny, beefy, blind, bald, hairy, pretty, rugged, limp, one arm, one leg, bearded, smooth, deaf, shy, loud, obnoxious, kind, blue eyes, brown…..and the list goes on and on.  You get my point.

The real point is that although these things matter on some level, what really matters is the connection between the two people.  Essentially, what is in their hearts.  Now you might meet some people who may not be able to get past the “stuff”.  This is an unfortunate but predictable part of the dating process.  Get right with this concept in your head before you meet the person and it will prepare you for the ride you will take with them.  Some will not want to connect.  Ride over.  Some might just want sex but nothing else.  Your decision…I say go for it if your safe.  Experience is a good thing.  Some might want to date you for a while but may not be able to commit.  Some may be available for the whole shebang…connection, dating, sex, and, drumroll please, Love.  You have to look at it like it is out of your control.  And it truly is.  All you can be is yourself.  The rest is up to them.

The guy who said “I don’t know” was probably being completely honest.  He may not know. It is up to you if you want to continue to date a guy if he is so unsure of himself and his feelings.  Your self confidence says “take what you can get” but I would question this.  Your different arm is only one small piece of you.  Although it has felt like such a huge piece to you for so long it has taken on mythic proportions and become bigger than it should be in your eyes.  Honestly, I think everyone will notice your arm for the rest of your life.  I think the most shocking part, for you, will be that some of them won’t really care about it.  Some guys may even be into it.  Who knows.  Your job is not to ward them off at the pass.  Just be yourself.  Keep putting yourself out there and, sooner or later, on the tenth date or the hundredth one, you will find a man with whom all the pieces fit.  Your only task is to enjoy the ride wherever it may take you.  This is my philosophy on life and I live by it ferociously.

As for the second date/flowers/CD guy…I say give him a call and ask him directly what his feelings are.  He may not give you an honest answer but you can at least put it out there.  “Do you want a second date or not?”  “I like you but think you may have some reservations about my arm.  It’s okay if it’s a problem.  No hard feelings.  Just let me know so I don’t waste my time.”  Or something else equally as direct will do.  Don’t throw yourself under the bus because of this arm of yours.  Know that you are a viable, desirable candidate swimming around out there in this gigantic dating pool.  You have as much right to be there as anyone else.  Go for men who turn you on and don’t settle for one because he is “not disgusted by my arm” and think that is the best you can get.  It isn’t.  You can do better.  Just keep trying and, I’m sounding like Oprah here, but she’s often right on the money….believe in yourself.

I tend to be a premature ejaculator and my penis is very sensitive and actually quite small.  I always am embarassed when I have sex, but my partner says he doesnt care.  Also, when Im done cumming, I am not interested in sex anymore.  Is there something majorly wrong with me or what???

Hey There,

You question was actually in two parts so let me start with your first concern.  Every man, gay or straight, has at some point worried about the size of his penis.  Some are concerned, like you, that it is too small.  Some guys, believe it or not, worry that their penises are too big. Some of their sex partners are turned off by it.  I tell them the same thing I’m going to tell you.  There is somebody out there for everyone.  Some guys like guys with small penises.  Some men love to top a nice looking guy with a great ass and a small dick.  It’s a huge turn on for them.  There is a certain power dynamic involved that is questionable but for many couples it works.  Also, some men love to bottom for guys with small dicks because they are sensitive around getting fucked.  Guys with larger penises hurt them during insertion.  So they actually look for guys with small endowments.  God gave you what you have.  There is very little you can do about it.  Seek out the men who appreciate your god given gifts and enjoy.

Your concern about not being interested in sex after you cum is another story.  For the most part, it is somewhat common to veer away from sexual thoughts right after you have ejaculated.  That is somewhat of the purpose of cumming.  You’re horny.  You look for sex until you find it.  You have sex.  You cum.  And then you can get on with the rest of your day.  Pretty normal scenario.   My question to you would be how long you are uninterested in sex after ejaculation and what your specific thoughts are.  If it’s “now I can get on with my day” thoughts and you don’t think about it until later that day or the next day, it seems fine.  If you’re thoughts are “I can’t believe I just did that.  I must NEVER do that again”, then you have an issue around sexuality.  My suggestion either way would be to get yourself to a good therapist, preferably a gay one, and talk more in depth about some of your feelings and thoughts around sex.   Find out what motivates you toward a sexual encounter and what draws you away from one.  The answers to those questions should give you more insight.  Good luck.

I read your response to the guy with the partner HIV revelation. You are a very wise man and I learned more from your response….but how would one truly know about cuts in the mouth…. isn’t that activity somewhat risky…

Gene Schuyler – I like your column and admire you

Hey Gene,

Thanks for your email and your kind words.  I appreciate them.  You are correct about the cuts on the mouth.  It is not an exact science.  One mile marker is if your cuts are actually bleeding.  If you can see blood, do not engage in receptive oral sex.  An example is flossing.  For about 1/2 hour after flossing some guys have minimal bleeding.  If you floss, wait 30 or 60 minutes before giving a blowjob.  This should give your gums time to begin to heal by forming a protective covering over the cut.  Once this barrier is formed, chances of infection decrease.  I hope that helps.  Thanks again for writing in.  Take Care, Mark Rutherford LCSW

Dear Sexpert,

My boyfriend and I just broke up after being together for almost three years. We were really good friends before we started dating, and about three months after we started sleeping together, he moved in with me. We had a very good relationship, got along great, rarely ever fought, and enjoyed each other’s company. But slowly I began realizing he just wasn’t the right person for me. It pained me greatly as this realization grew stronger and after almost three years, I decided that it wasn’t fair to him to continue being together if he wasn’t making me completely happy. Now, considering we had been friends first, and are staying close friends, is it a bad idea to continue to live together? There are two bedrooms, so we wouldn’t have to sleep together anymore, but is it generally a bad idea to continue cohabiting with someone after you’ve broken up? Thanks for your advice.

Signed, Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Dear Breaking Up,

Your question falls under the heading of “case by case basis”. There are so many factors involved in transitioning from a love based relationship to one based on just friendship. Some couples find the sexual/emotional component to be the hardest change. The trouble spots that usually pop up are around outside sexual behavior and dating other people. Will the two of you have sex with each other at all anymore? Can you date other people? Is it okay to bring another guy home? Can you fuck another guy in your old shared bed? Do you tell each other about your outside sexual/emotional encounters or try to “spare” their feelings?

Another problem area is that around finances and the separation of previously joined assets. Do you separate your accounts? How will bills be paid? Do both names stay on the mortgage? Does furniture you have bought together as a couple get divided between the two of you? Who gets the dog should one of you decide to move?

What are the rules? Each couple is different. What works for one couple may not work at all for another couple. Some couples transition with minimum difficulty. Some couple’s find it is too hard to try to stay together and just be friends. My suggestion is to talk with your friend/ex-boyfriend and get some idea of where he is coming from. As the person who is being left, he probably has some thoughts of his own. Whether it be with a boyfriend or best friend, the ability to discuss all topics, good, bad and ugly, remains a crucial component.

Dear Sexpert,

There’s this guy at the local video store that I think may be interested in me. It’s not an adult video place or anything like that. It’s just for regular videos. I go in about once a week and every time I look up from the movies I’m browsing, he’s staring right at me. He always looks away immediately but then, like he’s trying to get his courage up, he looks back at me with his head slightly turned down. He checks me out almost every time. Honestly, I’m totally turned on by this kid.

He’s about ten years younger than me. I’m in my mid thirties and he’s probably somewhere in his twenties. He’s such a hottie though. He’s kind of got that punk thing going on with a few piercings and some tattoos and a goatee. But he has sweet blue eyes and I just want to come over the counter and fuck him right there in the store.

I know he is into me but I’m not sure how to make the first move. I have a somewhat high profile job in my town but I’m not in the closet or anything. People know I’m gay but it might not look too good for a professional man to be dating some kid. I know if I made a move he would accept. I’m just not sure what move I should make and how it might play out.

Signed, Robert

Dear Robert,

How you behave towards this young man depends on what you want from him. You talked a bit about how you would feel about dating him. Is this what you want? It sounds like you might just be sexually attracted to him and want to have sex with him (on the floor of the video store or elsewhere).   Sex and dating are not the same thing. Sex can be incorporated into dating but it doesn’t have to be. So my first thought would be to narrow down what you want from him. A good hot fuck does not require dinner at the local see-and-be-seen restaurant. All you need is some lube, some condoms, and maybe an Eminem CD.

One thought would be to err on the side of discretion. Either chat him up some in the check out line or ask for help finding a particular video. Something along the lines of Pricilla Queen of the Desert or the first season of Queer as Folk DVD should give him a not so subtle hint that you are gay as well. Or you could slip him your name and number during checkout and see if he calls. This could be good if he is still in the closet and doesn’t want anyone else to know. Or you could go balls to the wall and just walk up and ask him home for a couple of hours of sweaty sex. I always prefer the direct approach but that’s just me. Your no nonsense approach might really appeal to him or scare him away. That’s a judgment call you will have to make in the moment.

However you decide to deal with this, I suggest you approach him in some way. Let him know that you are aware of his flirting and you appreciate it. It could be a hot trick or a fuck buddy. Who knows. He might even make a great boyfriend. May/December romances work all the time. However, it may never go beyond there but at least you will have some great masturbation material.

Dear Sexpert:

I have a question that I probably already know the answer for, but here goes anyway.  What kind of safe sex can you have with a guy is HIV+, if you are HIV-.  I never bareback, so hopefully that part is covered, but my question concerns oral.  I am a very oral guy and love to deep throat a guy, but I was wondering about the fluids.  I have talked to several guys who are in the medical field, and they tell me that if you don’t have any open sores in your mouth, that “fluids” will not hurt you, since the HIV virus is very weak, and probably wouldn’t make it past the acid in your stomach.  I don’t know about all this medical stuff, but I hate to reject a really hot guy, just because he is HIV+.  I am sure a lot of guys out there would like some advice on this, since the HIV+ guys are probably getting tired of being treated like they have leprosy.  Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated. The answer you will probably give me is “it is safe to email or talk on the phone”. 

LOL..  Thanx for your help.

Hey Bob,

Thanks for writing in.  Your joke at the end of your email is a gentle reminder that no sex is really safe.  That being said, sex is a basic human need and we all have it….even if it is just with ourselves.  Our best bet in this imperfect world is to navigate the landscape of sex and sexual behavior in a way that feels good and comfortable and right.  This decision making process is a very individual and personal thing.

Some guys have oral sex with a condom.  Many guys choose to get or give blowjobs without using a condom.  Some men let guys come in their mouths.  Some guys opt to have their partner pull out before coming inside them.  Some guys choose not to have anal sex at all.  Some guys choose to fuck with a condom.  We have all witnessed the dangerous trend of barebacking where guys choose to fuck without a condom.  These are just a few of the myriad of choices out there for gay men.  Sometimes the choices seem overwhelming and confusing.

The basics are that you are reasonably safe if you give a guy a good blow job and don’t let him come in your mouth.  If they come inside you, the best bet is to spit it out.  If you do swallow, there is some evidence that the fluids in your mouth and stomach will help to kill the virus.  However, I think your other question is more pertinent.  How to treat your fellow gay men, HIV+ or not, as human beings rather than objects to be desired or reviled.  We all love a hot ass or a big dick.  This objectification is normal on some level.  However, our thrust as human beings is to see and know others for their “human-ness”.  This means to see inside a person and know more about him than just his body part.

This can even happen at a bath house or sex party.  Ask your partner’s HIV status.  Talk with him about it and have a discussion about what sexual acts feel comfortable and which do not.  The goal is to not judge or shame either person.  The goal is to provide a safe environment where both parties can feel comfortable about enjoying and expressing their sexuality.  Good luck.

Hi Mark! 

I was having a discussion recently with my best friend about fucking.  One of my favorite subjects!  We hit on a couple of topics that we disagreed strongly on, as usual.  I am hoping that you might find these questions somewhat interesting and perhaps worthy of being answered in your Sexpert column. I truly value your time and consideration. Is there such a thing as, for lack of a better term, an “auto-orgasm”?  My best friend and I were having this discussion recently about anal sex.  He contends that if you are bottoming for a guy that you are really in to, and he is fucking you in a way that stimulates the prostate in a deep, steady and rhythmic fashion, that he can make you cum without any manual stimulation of the penis.  Is this for real?  Sounds like an old wive’s (er…..old queen’s) tale to me.  If it is possible, that would be fantastic!  Now I feel that I may have really missed out on something. 

My buddy claims that most of the stimulation is actually mental, hence the prerequisite of really being in to the guy that your with.  This also relates to why sometimes it is more difficult to dilate the anal sphincter adequately to avoid a painful experience.  I can remember being with some pretty big guys who put a lot of time and effort into their foreplay (a rare thing usually), and I was so excited by the anticipation that when it came time to enter me, I didn’t feel a thing.  Well, nothing bad anyway!  Please tell me how much of “doing the deed” enjoyably depends on mental stimulation, as well as manual stimulation.  How does all of this work?

Hi Bob,

Thanks for writing in. I spoke with some colleagues and some friends of mine. I also did a bit of research. The first thing that came up for me are those great Kristen Bjorn movies where the guys who are getting fucked come without touching themselves. I believe that is a perfect example of an auto-orgasm. The concept of the prostrate being massaged in such a way that it could stimulate orgasm with no external manual help. Barring direct counsel from Mr. Bjorn and with little written information on the subject, I had to rely on the experiences of my friends and myself. Nothing like a little grass roots experimentation.

The consensus is that it can and does happen all the time. The X factor in this does not lie in the physical component of a sexual connection. You are indeed right on target when you hypothesized about the mental/emotional component. If a guy really is “into” another guy it greatly heightens the possibility of an auto-orgasm. The stories seem to center around fulfillment of some sort of fantasy for the guy who is bottoming. I have heard stories like being in a group scene where the person in question is bottoming for a number of men. One man told me about fulfilling his fantasy of being tied up and fucked in a sling. Another told a story about always dreaming of being with a very muscular black man with a large dick. He recalled that while he was having intercourse with the man he continued to play out his long held fantasy in his head. The orgasm came when he moved from his fantasy, during the act, to realize he was actually participating in the fantasy. This realization caused, according to this gentleman, the most intense orgasm he had ever had….all without touching himself. Some of it may have had to do with the size of the top’s penis or how hard he was fucking the bottom. These factors could have played into the stimulation of the prostrate. However, the key seems to be getting what you always dreamed about.

This sort of fantasy fulfillment has been the common thread in most of the stories I have been told. They all involve some level on intensity that is not present in other sexual connections. The other factor that has come up in the stories was the presence of amyl nitrate or “poppers” during these sexual encounters. Possibly the dilating of the blood vessels which stimulates blood flow contributes to the success of an auto orgasm. Hope this helps in some sort of way.

Hi Mark, 

Since I posed my question to you about auto orgasm, I have been asking friends, and friends of friends about it.  I recently attended a rather large cocktail party here that was thrown by one of the City’s more prominent politicos.  Well, I brought the subject up and before I knew it, there were about 30 guys gathered around and all talking about it.  Some claim to have experienced it once or twice, but with no real regularity.  The consensus seems to be that, A) the do-ee has to be EXTREMELY turned on by the person that he’s with, B) it takes a really long time to achieve, and C) it goes without saying that the do-er has to be a very skilled lover, and D) many contend that it has a lot to do with controlled breathing.  Yes, they were talking about that thing I saw last season on Six Feet Under…..you know, where the guy was masturbating and had this noose around his neck, but something went wrong and he ended up killing himself.  Shit, I can’t think of the technical term for it, but I am sure that you know what I’m talking about.  Apparently, there is something about holding one’s breath that brings on a more intense and perhaps an easier orgasm.  However, I am not sure how, or if, that ties in with an auto orgasm.  I can’t wait to see just how you handle this question in your column!  Take care.  Bob Marker, San Francisco, CA 

We hope you will have time to answer this email:

Recently, we saw some hot cum eating and kissing scenes in a new MSR video. While the action was incredibly sexy, we were surprised to see this action portrayed in a video. It seemed irresponsible and hypocritical at the same time because after one guy finished shooting his load all over his partner’s face, chest and in his eyes and mouth, he licked his own cum off the guy and French kissed him. The guy swallowed every drop of cum he could get and then put on a condom before fucking his partner! What was the point of the condom at this point?

My partner has been HIV+ for twelve years and has no signs of the disease. He does not take any medication. I am HIV-. We just celebrated our seventh anniversary. We are both in our mid-40’s. Our sex life is wonderful. We both like to be pigs – but we are careful!

I would love to be able to swallow his cum and take his load up my ass, but safe sex practices say no to these fun sports. Can my partner swallow my cum or take my load without risk to him at this point? Ours is a totally monogamous relationship. I am tested annually for HIV.

This man is my rock and my soul mate. We would love to enhance our love making even further if it were safe, however a long lifetime together is far more important.

Your guidance is appreciated.
Signed, PuppiePop

Dear PuppiePop,

Historically, in response to the AIDS crisis, the porn industry made a definitive shift away from sex without condoms somewhere around the mid 1980’s. This shift towards safe sex has remained intact until just recently. There have been some underground videos that began making “bareback videos”. They have even gotten more mainstream but are not generally accepted by the majority of the public. This new trend of cumming in another guys mouth is a bit more complicated.

Research says that oral sex, and cumming in someone’s mouth, has some level of risk attached to it. How much risk is anyone’s guess. There have been documented cases of people contracting the HIV virus through unprotected oral sex. There are varying factors that feed into this as well. Circumstances such as bleeding gums or open sores in the mouth have been attributed to higher risk. Swallowing cum is also considered somewhat higher risk because it is ingested internally.

Representatives from the porn studios that have decided to portray their models eating each other’s cum say that they believe the risk is very low. They believe that most people do it in the real world and these men want to see this act portrayed in the films they watch. The studios say they still have a strong commitment towards safer sex and to fighting the HIV epidemic. They have discussed the risk with each of their models and, in turn, the models who are swapping the cum have discussed it with each other. Presumably the models talk about HIV and whether their status is the same.

This is what it comes down to for you. It is a personal choice. The harm reduction model states that if you do decide to eat your partners cum, make sure you have no open cuts in your mouth. Do not floss your teeth before oral sex. Make sure there are no sores in your mouth. If he cums in your mouth the best bet is to spit it out. This risk is obviously lower to your partner than it is for you as he is already HIV+. If you are getting the blow job all you have to worry about is cuts on your dick or irritation at the opening of your pisshole. Of course, fucking without a condom, either top or bottom, is still very risky. Although lower risk for you if you’re the top, still risky indeed. This all sounds very clinical. There are no easy answers but, like always, we are left to be creative on our own to make sex manageable and fun. You can make it as hot as you want it to be. If you go this route with your partner, make up some hot scenes. My personal favorite is to have him cum on your face with your mouth open as you look into each other’s eyes. Some of it will hit your cheek or neck and some of it may hit your open mouth and tongue. Then he can bend down and lick all of it off of you, tongue and all. Now that’s pretty hot.

Dear Sexpert,

My partner and I have been together 19 years. We love each other very much and we are both committed to the relationship but there are some problems. We fight about the same things all the time. Not really fighting but disagreements and they never seem to be resolved. Also, we haven’t had sex in a long time. We’re not spring chickens anymore so I don’t need it all the time. But I still have a healthy sex drive and need to get it once in a while. Even if it’s only getting my dick sucked. We’ve been monogamous but I’m considering just going to one of the adult bookstores or a local park and getting a quickie blow job. I know it’s not right but I’m running out of options and am horny.

Signed, Jim

Dear Jim,

Don’t, I repeat, DO NOT go outside of your relationship for sex without talking with your partner about it. This would be a very bad mistake. You have spent many years building the trust and intimacy that comes with a long term relationship. Don’t (pardon the pun) blow it now just because you need to get off sexually. Outside sex may very well be an option for you two but you don’t know that now. And the only way to figure it all out is to sit him down and talk with him about your feelings.

My first thought would be that you two get to a skilled couples therapist. Preferably one skilled in Imago Relationship Therapy. This is a form of couple’s therapy based on the work of Harville Hendrix. His landmark book “Getting the Love You Want” written over thirty years ago spawned much of the relationship self help industry you see today. Get the book. Read it. It talks about why you have those arguments that seem to be always the same. It’s called a “core dance” that you do with your partner and it will continue until you find a way to resolve the feelings behind the issues that the two of you have. For example, it’s never just about the dirty clothes you leave all over the house. It’s about the feelings that he experiences when you throw your underwear on the floor. Start a dialogue with him and find out what his frustrations are.

This exercise will begin a stretch back to intimacy for you. This will lead to more interest in sex. Talk with him, and/or your therapist about what you can do to increase the intimacy between the two of you. Be unconventional. Make a date night. Go out with each other to a nice dinner or somewhere you both enjoy. Come home and light some candles and put on some music. Make it romantic and then begin to rediscover each other sexually. Or you can go the other route and start exploring some of your sexual fantasies. Leather is very popular as it opens the doors to trying things sexually you may have not tried before. Slings, toys, dildos can all be excellent additions to a healthy sexual relationship. Some couples decide to incorporate outside partners into their sex life. I see nothing wrong with this as long as it is done with the idea of enhancing an already good sexual connection. Problems arise when a couple isn’t happy with each other and look outside of the relationship for their happiness. Be sure to talk in depth with your partner about needs, expectations, and fears before making a decision on this.

Dear SEXPERT:

I am 55 years old and back in the single life again. Its a whole different world now and with internet connections and chat rooms I feel that I live in a different time.

In 1989 my first lover died of AIDS. We were together for many years. As I watched him Muscular body fall away from a illness because of sex, it gave me pause to think. After he died I had great difficulty fucking some one. First there was now the condom thing which as new to me. Then there was the fear of sticking my cock in anyone’s ass even with a condom on. At the time I was losing so many friends to AIDS. It was hard to ever let go of the pain. When it came to sex with some one new I would get to the position where the condom was on and I was ready to enter my partne’rs ass and my cock would go limp. I started to recognize the fact that in some strange way I felt as though I was being unfaithful to my dead boyfriend. It was a painful time in my life loosing him and it seemed that every month I lost another friend to AIDS. It really warped my view of sex.

As time passed I learned that I could have sex with out any problem with men for hire. I knew there was never any chance of intimacy.

Each time I would get close to some one or want to get close to some one. Fear would over take me . The fear of getting close to some one and then losing them.

After two years of this I decided to just take a break from sex all together until I had time to  to let my grief heal. So for 1 and 1/2 years I had no sex, no human contact. Just my hand.

I met a man who had just lost his lover one year before and we bonded. We came together because of grief. I explained to him my fears and he was patient and eventually we eased into a very good and hot sex life. After 2 years our sex life started to fall apart. Every time I went to fuck him his cock went limp and the look on his face of pain because my cock was too fat, was enough to make anyone’s cock go flat. We stayed together many years mostly out of habit. There was no sex for many years. I am a man that needs sex and passion and above all intimacy. So we broke up and later I met another wonderful sexy man. The sex was beyond great it was wonderful. There was passion like I had never had. After 2years he was not interested in having sex with me. (in my first relationship I found for me that our sex life got better over the years because we trusted each other and knew how to please each other) I would go to him to be affectionate and he would push me away. I tried to talk to him over and over. Nothing changed in one year we had sex twice, father’s day and my birthday. These times I had difficulty in having sex because I felt on these times he was not really into have sex with me it was just to try to keep me happy. “MERCY FUCK”. After a while I had enough.

Now I am in the single world again and I have great difficulty in fucking again. It seems that in the new world there is a lot of just getting off sex.(no kissing no touching…just stick your cock in and fuck me) So my cock goes limp. It is not from the lack of interest. I can jack off 3 to 4 times a day. When it comes to having sex with some one..I get anxious and my cock just goes limp. I have taken Viagra and that helps a lot. The problem is I still can not reach orgasm with anyone. This gets many men crazy. (most of them are just casual sex)

I am very fearful of trying to get into another relationship and have the person one day lose all interest in having sex with me.

I am an attractive man. I take care of my self, exercise, eat well and get enough rest. I have had a successful career life and have retired at an early age. I do volunteer work for a couple of gay related causes. I have a nice fat cock…but its hiding..

Any suggestions for the hiding cock?

Hey There, First off, I want to thank you for writing in.  I know it took some courage to do so.  I have heard your story before in some way shape or form from men who have experienced similar overwhelming loss in their lives.  Interestingly enough, many of the same problems with sex and intimacy were experienced by soldiers coming home from the war.  The massive amounts of death and loss they experienced made it hard for them to embrace something as life affirming as sex and love.  It is a form of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) that you are experiencing.  A revisitation of the feelings (sadness) everytime you experience true closeness with another male.  Your memory of your loss overtakes everything else….most notably your need for sexual intimacy….hence the limp dick instead of a nice, fat, healthy, raging hard on.  Think of it.  A good stiff hard on occurs when your cock is filled with blood.  Filled with the stuff that sustains life.  A guy who is turned on and standing at attention is, in effect, full of life.

This is your problem.  Your ability to embrace life.  Your life and the wild array of life that surrounds you.  Casual sex is no problem because it doesn’t really include you.  When you, your feelings/heart/vulnerability, enter the picture your dick droops with the weight of your fear.  Some of your past connections have been based in mutual sadness.  I want you to look for a hot guy, hopefully a good bottom, who knows how to get fucked but also knows how to embrace you, embrace a relationship, and, existentially, embrace life.  Show the next guy your vulnerability.  Open up to him about your fears and concerns.  Talk with him about them.  In being able to verbalize your thoughts the fear begins to drain out of you.  When the fear begins to disappear, life creeps back into you.  With the advent of life comes that nice fat cock ready to fuck that you’ve been missing.

I want to tell you about someone who just came into my life. I meet this guy online and we started going out he happened to be a really nice guy. He has most of  the qualities I want in a man. He is loving, caring, doesn’t drink or smoke, and likes to hang out. He is very honest and we have good conversations. We are alike in many ways. The only problem is that I am 25 and he is 47 years old. I know sometimes age is not a problem but this is a big difference.

When I go out with him, I catch myself looking at other younger guys. I know that may sound really bad but I want to be honest to him and myself. To tell you the truth, I am not really attracted to him that much. He has an ok body but he doesn’t do it for me. I need your advice. What I should do? We’ve never had sex yet but we had some intimate times like making out. But that’s all.   We even went to a gay bar this past weekend. We had a great time there. Everyone was dancing and we were just sitting looking and hugging. It was fun. I just don’t know. Please give me your opinion on this matter. Thank you, Jay.

Hey Jay, There are millions of men in this world. They come in all shapes and sizes and colors. My first piece of advice would be to take a sampling from all of them and pick and choose the ones you really like. Sometimes a guy can be a hot fuck but a lousy lover. Sometimes you meet a great guy and are willing to work on the sex part. Once in a while you meet a guy who really gets you worked up sexually AND has the desire and ability to get into a relationship. And sometimes you meet really great guys, friendship material, who have everything you’re looking for but you are just not attracted to them. I have met guys who have fit into all of the above categories. The hot guy who’s not relationship material can become just a trick or a fuck buddy. I have had lovers where sex was an issue but we were able to overcome it. I was even lucky enough to find a guy that got my dick hard and was willing to be in a relationship with me. Thirteen years later we are still going hard and strong.

I have also met many many men who fit into the “good friend but not lover material” category. This is what your new friend sounds like to me. You seem to like him a great deal but not sexually attracted to him. You didn’t say it but my guess would be that he is very sexually attracted to you. If the feeling is not mutual, you are not being fair to yourself or to him.

My advice would be to talk with him about the feelings you are having. Many guys shy away from an honest discussion because they fear it will hurt the guys feelings too much. My assertion would be that you are hurting him more by not telling him the truth. And when you finally do back away or find someone else, he will be clueless and probably very hurt. The adult thing to do is to talk with him about what you are feeling. Who knows. He may have anticipated your feelings and worked on a few solutions. Sometimes guys who don’t look to be studs in bed turn out to be the best lovers of all. If he is willing to try, I say give him a chance in the sack. You may be pleasantly surprised. An older, in shape, handsome man who is physically and emotionally present and available can be the hottest sex around. It may even beat out those young twinkies you’ve had your eye on.

Doc-
I was a bit surprised when i read your SEXPERT article in the December issue of Men magazine.  First, 13 inches is a mamoth dick but guys like me who enjoy them are out here. Clearly the person who wrote in to you is not looking/or finding the right people.  There is so much more to do with that than take it up the ass.
The Bigcocksociety has a few listings for ppl in my general area, but when i sent an email to one i got an email error right away… So i struggle with the opposite of what the writer suffers from.  I have trouble finding them!
If he is in my area ( Chicago-land ), please send him my email.    🙂  🙂

Thanks,  I enjoy your articles.
Len
Greybasset@aol.com

Hey Len, Good to hear from you and thanks for writing in.  You and a number of other guys who like men who are well endowed have written me.  I can’t give you much information on the bigcocksociety.  I have been told they have an online site with regional listings.  Maybe that will work for you.

When all else fails, I say put your interests out there.  If you have an online personal.  Include that you’d love a guy with a big cock.  There’s no shame in that.  People joke about “size queens” but think of it this way….they are royalty and enjoy getting serviced by the best. 🙂

Happy Hunting and  Have a great day!!  Take Care, Mark

I have a boyfriend who keeps telling me that honesty is the most
important thing in a relationship. He says he would leave me if I
ever lied to him. And that’s the problem. He asked me point blank one
night if I ever slept with this guy (I’ll call him Larry) that he has
real good reason for despising. I lied about having slept with the
guy to spare my bf’s feelings. I knew if I said I had slept with
Larry, my bf would have broken up with me on the spot. I slept with
Larry one time, I was drunk, and I was stupid to do it. I don’t even
like the guy, to be honest. Larry will never tell him, they will
never interact. But I have a very guilty conscience right now.
Steven, the bf, knows something is wrong. If I come clean, we are
probably done. If I don’t come clean, the guilt will kill me. Can you
help?

Ah, the trials and tribulations of true love. There isn’t an easy answer here. You’ve pretty much gone over the options you have before you. You real dilemma is over this concept of honesty in your life. I would wonder how many times you have told a little “white lie” to spare this guy’s (and others) feelings. You may be right. The relationship may in fact be over. But, make no mistake, it’s not because you slept with the hottie your boyfriend can’t stand. It’s because you have been unable to consistently tell the truth to your partner. There is probably a reason your boyfriend feels compelled to continually tell you that honesty is the most important thing for him. There is a part of him that subconsciously knows you are not being upfront with him.

That being said, it’s time to face the music. You have to tell him what happened.   You can preface it with the “I felt really bad and didn’t know how to tell you” conversation. And you can back it up with the “telling people things that I know will hurt their feelings has always been hard on me since I was a kid” conversation. But what he needs to hear is that you understand you made a mistake, you are sorry, and you don’t want the relationship to end. The rest is up to him. If you don’t tell him, sooner or later he will find out. They/boyfriends/men always do. It’s just a matter of time. If it’s not about this situation, he will catch you on the next time you try to “spare his feelings”.

If you can tell him the truth now, you will begin to practice a skill that you desperately need. Like anything, it will be hard at first but you get so much better as you do it more and more….like riding a….well let’s just go ahead and say ‘bike’ instead of another four letter word I’m thinking of. If it’s over with this guy then you’ve learned a hard lesson. And when faced with a similar situation the next time around chances are you will handle things much differently.

Just remember, he’s a guy. And he’s a gay guy at that. Gay guys like sex. We like to fool around. His feelings will be hurt but on some level he will understand what you are saying to him about the “sexual urges” part. If you are lucky, you will have the chance to prove you aren’t just a cocksucker but a trustworthy cocksucker. Best of luck to you.

Hi Mark- I have read your column in “Men” for awhile now and almost
always find your advice to be very sound.I am a 45 year old gay man
living here in Philadelphia.I am very fit,attractive,successful,have
great friends and family and am very comfortable with being gay (aside
from the eternal internalized homophobia which is something many of us
have to beware of).
I started standard therapy again after a long hiatus(1x/week) over a
year ago because I was getting nervous about my lack of volition in the
dating/sex department-I wanted to understand my damage better and why I
have been so closed.A lot of it is no big mystery;my last “real”
relationship was over 5 years ago and left me devastated,even though I
was the one that instigated the end of it.And I have not had a good
relationship history-I tend to choose and fall for men who have little
to give but who need me;that’s what I learned as a child (from divorced
narcissistic manic-depressive Mom)-that my only value was when I was
needed and that I wasn’t allowed to have needs of my own-if I expressed
them they went largely unanswered so I learned to keep them to myself
and mistakenly thought that this was being “strong” (wrong!).Also have
some abandonment issues.And all of this in a package that seems very
together -and feels it ,mostly.(ie. I don’t FEEL all fucked up.)
I have resolved a lot of this in terms of understanding my past
behaviour and I have worked thru with / forgiven my fucked-up family
for their role-it is my responsibility to move forward as best I can
and I know that in my soul.
The monkey-wrench in all this wonderful self-awareness is that I am
dealing now-and have been for some time-with impotence; it now makes me
so nervous(or angry?) to be close that I can’t get it up.It’s like a
self-fulfilling prophesy;I fear being alone  so I keep my distance and
that is how my sneaky mind does it;no sex.At least that is what I make
of it.The other alternative is that I really do not want to be close to
anyone because of my lack of success there-which I reject
consciously.At this point I am wondering how on earth I am going to
ever move forward-I am now have this pavlovian response to sex and it
isn’t good.I really don’t want to go back into therapy- any
thoughts?Thank you-I know this is complex but any insight would be
helpful.Regards,Jud Davidson

Hey Jud, Sorry for the delay in responding to you. Since taking over the column I had quite a bit of responses and am trying to keep up with them. Your letter touched me. It seems so many people, gay and straight, wrestle with this issue of intimacy in one way or another. In your case, it seems you have done a lot of work on yourself and have sufficient insight as to the “causes” of your current dilemma. Sometimes, however, knowing your issues and being able to do something about them are two different things. Knowing why you have an issues with impotence and being able to overcome it can be worlds apart. A little behavior modification seems to be in order for you.

The jagged little pill that many people have trouble swallowing is that these “bags” we all walk around with will never truly disappear. Our best hope is to manage them in a way that feels “good enough” to us. Your best weapon is yourself and your ongoing desire to achieve intimacy with someone (a universal quest by the way). Your attempts with people must include, at some point, discussion of why you shy away from intimacy. (ie. why you can’t get it up). Some men make a point of not talking about it because they fear being embarrassed. This is another way to say “I’m afraid of someone knowing me too well”…which is to say “don’t get too close because intimacy has hurt me in the past”.   All of this is a defense mechanism to protect yourself from getting hurt again. But what it does is that it leaves you unfulfilled and injured in another way.

My biggest suggestion would be that you talk to a potential partner about your concerns. Find out if he would be willing to wait until after a few dates to hop in the sack. Get to know him more. Find out what makes him tick. See his vulnerabilities. Maybe then you will be more apt to show him yours. With a trick, you are trying to achieve physical intimacy with someone that you haven’t achieved emotional intimacy with. Kind of like the horse before the carriage. Many men have no issue with this and may even prefer this method of sexual interaction. One night stands and quickies can be a lot of fun but they don’t hold a candle to truly intimate sex with someone you know and trust. It takes sex and intimacy to a whole new level.

I hope this answered at least some of your questions. Feel free to write me back with any other thoughts. Best of luck to you. Sincerely, Mark Rutherford LCSW

>>Dear Sexpert,
>>I have been in a relationship about seven years.
>>We’re monogamous, it’s great, no complaints.
>>I like to get massage every couple of months, I have been getting
>>them for years. I like massage with “release”.  I happened to
>>mention this to a friend and his response was, “that’s like
>>cheating”  I don’t think it is. It is part of the massage. I only
>>see the masseur for massage,I have no interest in him otherwise.
>>There is no “mutual release” and he remains clothed. Is my friend
>>right however? What do you think?
>>Thanks!

The concept of cheating is a sticky subject and one that has been hotly debated over the years. It means different things to different people. The most traditional school of thought (that probably included most of our parents) is that you should only have one sexual partner in your life. The marriage vows say together for life, better or worse, until death do you part. Even though we are gay, most of us have grown up with that philosophy as some sort of goal to achieve in our lives.

Some people say “Is it cheating if no one ever finds out?” Kind of like “if a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, did it ever really happen” theory. I usually get that response in my office as a rationalization of something (someone) that has been done and a client is feeling some guilt about it. Usually the people that are the most okay with the concept of cheating are the people who are most likely to cheat themselves. This does not make them bad people, mind you. This is just to paint a picture of different people’s attitudes towards cheating.

Another question that is commonly asked is “Are there different degrees of cheating?” This is the category that your letter falls in. We all know that having sex with someone other than your partner constitutes cheating. But what about all those gray areas…..like massage with release? Another gray area is porn. The rationalization is that “I’m not doing it with anyone else so how can he be mad?” Trust me, if your lover finds you jerking off to porn and not wanting to have sex with him, he’ll be upset and probably pretty angry. Just like he should know if your massage therapist is giving you a release. He may not mind at all but I always believe that honesty is the best policy with your partner.   Sit him down and tell him about what your friend told you about his idea that you were cheating on him. Tell him that you had not really thought of it that way before but that your friend might have a point so you wanted to tell him right away. This gives the power back to the relationship, the two of you, and allows you to make a decision about what to do together.

Dear Mark

Recently, I was in a group scene with my partner.  There were a total of about five guys in all.  For some reason, as it began, I began to get uncomfortable.  I think it may have been that I wasn’t attracted to one of the guys.  I asked my partner to leave with me and he said no.  I ended up leaving on my own.  He returned to the room a couple of hours later and  went to sleep.  Suffice it to say I was extremely upset.  I woke him up and threatened to leave and then, in turn, he threatened to leave and we both got huffy.  Later, after things cooled down, I found a small note on my pillow with the words “I’m sorry” on it.  But we haven’t spoken of the incident since.  Was I wrong to leave the group scene?  Was he wrong not to have come with me when I asked him to?

Signed, Two’s company, Five’s a crowd

Dear Two’s Company

Before answering your direct questions, I would want to know how you ended up at the sex party in the first place.  Was it his idea or your idea?  Had the two of you ever been to a sex party before?  If so, what was the established protocol in terms of behavior for the two of you?  If this was your first time in such a situation, was there a prior discussion to make sure how you both felt about group sex?  Also, was there any talk about  what the two of you would do if things went wrong?  These questions are essential to discuss with your partner before  stripping down and getting it on with three other guys.  Will you just get blowjobs or will you be able to give them as well?  Are you going to fuck or not?  If so, are you going to bottom or top?  Will you make sure you both are wearing condoms?   Is kissing another guy okay?  And the list goes on and on.

From what you have told me it seems you were genuinely uncomfortable by the group dynamics.  When this is the case I believe it is best to extract yourself from the situation.   If you told your partner and he didn’t come with you makes me wonder what that discussion looked like in the moment.  Did you say “I’m leaving and you better come with me or else” or did you say “There’s a guy here who makes me uncomfortable.  Would you mind if we left”.  Both are essentially the same statement but they come off in two different ways.

Your best bet is to sit him down and rehash the whole thing over again.  I know many guys would like to just leave the matter alone and ‘let sleeping horn-dogs lie‘.  However, if you don’t speak of it again you risk the chance of a repeat performance in a similar situation.  The fact that he left you the apology note says that he has some understanding that what he did was wrong on some level.  But I would approach a conversation with him that focuses on making some positive changes in your relationship rather than pointing fingers at past behavior.  Say something like “I know the last sex party we went to was a bust.  I would be interested in doing it again if you are but I think we should talk about a few things first.  Here are some of my concerns…..”  Then you both can get all your worries, anxieties, fears, hopes, fantasies out in the open so you both are aware of all the dynamics and know what to expect if and when that particular situation happens again.  This is a growth exercise for the relationship that brings you closer together.   At the same time, it also clears up the misunderstanding so you don’t fall into the same sex trap again.

Dear Mark,

I have been having sex with men for about the past three years since I left my wife.  I had never been with a man before and was a little anxious.  I have only given or received blowjobs or handjobs.  Since I have never been fucked in the ass, does that mean I am technically still a “gay virgin“?

Signed, Virgin?

Dear Virgin,

No…sorry buddy.  Not having had anal intercourse doesn’t mean  you are a ‘gay virgin’.   You’ve been having all kinds of sex for quite some time.  With females for a long time and with men for at least a couple of years.  It just means you haven’t ever put your dick in another guy’s ass or haven’t let another man fuck you yet.  That’s all.  Many gay men live their entire lives without engaging in that specific sexual behavior.  Some men don’t like it.  Others find it uncomfortable or painful.  Some guys love it and very much connect to the sensation of being the passive receiver or active insertive partner.  It depends on your preference.  And this is what it is all about, my friend…..preference.

Of course, anal intercourse remains the most popular sexual activity among gay men.  Many men define themselves around this specific behavior.  And many men only define sex in terms of whether they have had intercourse or not.  How many times have you heard, “I’m strictly a top” or “I’m a bottom”?  However, I find these labels somewhat limiting.  Generally, sexuality is about what makes us feel good.  I say go out and try everything there is to try.  See what you like and what you don’t like.  See if you like being a top or a bottom….or both.  The ever popular “Versatile” status of many gay men seems to be an attempt to say “I like pretty much everything we might consider doing together in bed.”    Try to steer clear of labels and try to put your preconceptions on the back shelf.

This also bears saying.  Last, but not least, whether or not you are a “gay virgin” has very little to do with what kinds of sex you’re having or if you’re even having sex at all.  The experience of being gay speaks to all areas of your life: sexual, social, spiritual, and intellectual.  Remember that as you make your way through these first few years as an emerging gay man.  Sex is an amazing, fabulous component of being gay but, in the end, it’s only a part of a bigger picture.

Dear Sexpert,
My partner and I met at a ball game We cruised each other for several
innings. Eventually I had to take a whiz and who would end up next to
me in the next stall but the guy I had been ogling earlier. We spent
the rest of the game in the stall and the next 16 years together. We
still love each other and have managed to not kill each other over
the years. Unfortunately we are both tops….over the years my
partner’s libido has tapered off whereas mine has pretty much
remained that of a raging 18-year-old. We don’t have sex anymore. I
spend a lot of time in the gym and I have a nice body but it doesn’t
make a difference. I’ve been having this affair…with my right hand.
So much so, I think its a compulsion. It’s such a shame to waste such
a lovely cock. I want to fuck someone so bad. I can barely remember
what penetration feels like. I don’t want to leave my lover, but I
need more. What’s a guy to do? Help!
Rob

Hey Rob,  Your story is the stuff of fantasies.  Ball games, locker rooms, top guys.  It sounds like you were off to a great start with your partner.  It seems to me where you ran into problems is when you began to have issues about your sex life.  In specific how to negotiate each of your individual needs.

The myth of romantic love can keep couples together for a long time, sometimes years.  However, sooner or later, a power struggle emerges that forces you to deal with some of the underlying issues.  In your case, one of the underlying issues centers around the issues of sex and sexual intimacy.  This is quite normal and very solvable.

My suggestion would be to have a heart to heart discussion with your partner.  If you have been together for sixteen years, there is obviously intent on both of your parts to stay in this relationship.  Talk to him about your concerns.   Hear what he has to say from his perspective.  While understandable, the “we’re both tops” conundrum falls flat under closer examination.  There are many alternatives to anal intercourse that could constitute a happy and healthy sex life.  If fucking really is the issue for you (and/or your partner), talk about ways to incorporate it.  Maybe one or both of you could consider the possibility of being a bottom once in a while.  I hear over and over from “top men” that one of the best sexual experiences they ever had was the first time they decided to try being a bottom.  For guys so wrapped up in the control aspect of sex, letting go and being a passive participant can be a transforming as well as hugely enjoyable, experience.  You can also talk about the possibility of opening up your relationship to include sex with other people.  See what his thoughts are about finding a great bottom guy that you are both attracted to that can service you both.  Imagine the possibilities of using the incorporation of another man to spice up the spark in your sex life.  You could get one guy and take turns.  You could find two men willing to bottom for you and switch back and forth.  You could get a few regular fuck buddies.  The possibilities are endless.

The one thing that won’t work, however, is you continuing to hide your feelings from him.  Because that affair you are having with your hand will eventually turn into an affair with another man.  It always does.  And then you will have emotionally betrayed your lover.  This kind of damage can be harder to undo.