Dear SEXPERT:
I am 55 years old and back in the single life again. Its a whole different world now and with internet connections and chat rooms I feel that I live in a different time.
In 1989 my first lover died of AIDS. We were together for many years. As I watched him Muscular body fall away from a illness because of sex, it gave me pause to think. After he died I had great difficulty fucking some one. First there was now the condom thing which as new to me. Then there was the fear of sticking my cock in anyone’s ass even with a condom on. At the time I was losing so many friends to AIDS. It was hard to ever let go of the pain. When it came to sex with some one new I would get to the position where the condom was on and I was ready to enter my partne’rs ass and my cock would go limp. I started to recognize the fact that in some strange way I felt as though I was being unfaithful to my dead boyfriend. It was a painful time in my life loosing him and it seemed that every month I lost another friend to AIDS. It really warped my view of sex.
As time passed I learned that I could have sex with out any problem with men for hire. I knew there was never any chance of intimacy.
Each time I would get close to some one or want to get close to some one. Fear would over take me . The fear of getting close to some one and then losing them.
After two years of this I decided to just take a break from sex all together until I had time to to let my grief heal. So for 1 and 1/2 years I had no sex, no human contact. Just my hand.
I met a man who had just lost his lover one year before and we bonded. We came together because of grief. I explained to him my fears and he was patient and eventually we eased into a very good and hot sex life. After 2 years our sex life started to fall apart. Every time I went to fuck him his cock went limp and the look on his face of pain because my cock was too fat, was enough to make anyone’s cock go flat. We stayed together many years mostly out of habit. There was no sex for many years. I am a man that needs sex and passion and above all intimacy. So we broke up and later I met another wonderful sexy man. The sex was beyond great it was wonderful. There was passion like I had never had. After 2years he was not interested in having sex with me. (in my first relationship I found for me that our sex life got better over the years because we trusted each other and knew how to please each other) I would go to him to be affectionate and he would push me away. I tried to talk to him over and over. Nothing changed in one year we had sex twice, father’s day and my birthday. These times I had difficulty in having sex because I felt on these times he was not really into have sex with me it was just to try to keep me happy. “MERCY FUCK”. After a while I had enough.
Now I am in the single world again and I have great difficulty in fucking again. It seems that in the new world there is a lot of just getting off sex.(no kissing no touching…just stick your cock in and fuck me) So my cock goes limp. It is not from the lack of interest. I can jack off 3 to 4 times a day. When it comes to having sex with some one..I get anxious and my cock just goes limp. I have taken Viagra and that helps a lot. The problem is I still can not reach orgasm with anyone. This gets many men crazy. (most of them are just casual sex)
I am very fearful of trying to get into another relationship and have the person one day lose all interest in having sex with me.
I am an attractive man. I take care of my self, exercise, eat well and get enough rest. I have had a successful career life and have retired at an early age. I do volunteer work for a couple of gay related causes. I have a nice fat cock…but its hiding..
Any suggestions for the hiding cock?
Hey There, First off, I want to thank you for writing in. I know it took some courage to do so. I have heard your story before in some way shape or form from men who have experienced similar overwhelming loss in their lives. Interestingly enough, many of the same problems with sex and intimacy were experienced by soldiers coming home from the war. The massive amounts of death and loss they experienced made it hard for them to embrace something as life affirming as sex and love. It is a form of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) that you are experiencing. A revisitation of the feelings (sadness) everytime you experience true closeness with another male. Your memory of your loss overtakes everything else….most notably your need for sexual intimacy….hence the limp dick instead of a nice, fat, healthy, raging hard on. Think of it. A good stiff hard on occurs when your cock is filled with blood. Filled with the stuff that sustains life. A guy who is turned on and standing at attention is, in effect, full of life.
This is your problem. Your ability to embrace life. Your life and the wild array of life that surrounds you. Casual sex is no problem because it doesn’t really include you. When you, your feelings/heart/vulnerability, enter the picture your dick droops with the weight of your fear. Some of your past connections have been based in mutual sadness. I want you to look for a hot guy, hopefully a good bottom, who knows how to get fucked but also knows how to embrace you, embrace a relationship, and, existentially, embrace life. Show the next guy your vulnerability. Open up to him about your fears and concerns. Talk with him about them. In being able to verbalize your thoughts the fear begins to drain out of you. When the fear begins to disappear, life creeps back into you. With the advent of life comes that nice fat cock ready to fuck that you’ve been missing.
I want to tell you about someone who just came into my life. I meet this guy online and we started going out he happened to be a really nice guy. He has most of the qualities I want in a man. He is loving, caring, doesn’t drink or smoke, and likes to hang out. He is very honest and we have good conversations. We are alike in many ways. The only problem is that I am 25 and he is 47 years old. I know sometimes age is not a problem but this is a big difference.
When I go out with him, I catch myself looking at other younger guys. I know that may sound really bad but I want to be honest to him and myself. To tell you the truth, I am not really attracted to him that much. He has an ok body but he doesn’t do it for me. I need your advice. What I should do? We’ve never had sex yet but we had some intimate times like making out. But that’s all. We even went to a gay bar this past weekend. We had a great time there. Everyone was dancing and we were just sitting looking and hugging. It was fun. I just don’t know. Please give me your opinion on this matter. Thank you, Jay.
Hey Jay, There are millions of men in this world. They come in all shapes and sizes and colors. My first piece of advice would be to take a sampling from all of them and pick and choose the ones you really like. Sometimes a guy can be a hot fuck but a lousy lover. Sometimes you meet a great guy and are willing to work on the sex part. Once in a while you meet a guy who really gets you worked up sexually AND has the desire and ability to get into a relationship. And sometimes you meet really great guys, friendship material, who have everything you’re looking for but you are just not attracted to them. I have met guys who have fit into all of the above categories. The hot guy who’s not relationship material can become just a trick or a fuck buddy. I have had lovers where sex was an issue but we were able to overcome it. I was even lucky enough to find a guy that got my dick hard and was willing to be in a relationship with me. Thirteen years later we are still going hard and strong.
I have also met many many men who fit into the “good friend but not lover material” category. This is what your new friend sounds like to me. You seem to like him a great deal but not sexually attracted to him. You didn’t say it but my guess would be that he is very sexually attracted to you. If the feeling is not mutual, you are not being fair to yourself or to him.
My advice would be to talk with him about the feelings you are having. Many guys shy away from an honest discussion because they fear it will hurt the guys feelings too much. My assertion would be that you are hurting him more by not telling him the truth. And when you finally do back away or find someone else, he will be clueless and probably very hurt. The adult thing to do is to talk with him about what you are feeling. Who knows. He may have anticipated your feelings and worked on a few solutions. Sometimes guys who don’t look to be studs in bed turn out to be the best lovers of all. If he is willing to try, I say give him a chance in the sack. You may be pleasantly surprised. An older, in shape, handsome man who is physically and emotionally present and available can be the hottest sex around. It may even beat out those young twinkies you’ve had your eye on.