Dear Mark,
I decided to take your advice and talk to John… We talked on Saturday afternoon and I got my answer. I left, after talking with him, in tears and full of sadness for having lost something that I think had so much potential. A true love… a true lover. After coming clean, pouring my heart out and making myself incredibly vulnerable, he told me that he was not available to me. I got my answer, now I just have to move on, I suppose. It seems like we all have our own trials and tribulations in life, and as I watch all my friends face their obstacles and fears, I see myself struggling right along with everyone. I’m feeling a bit like Carrie Bradshaw in “Sex in the City” right now…. Writing this e-mail, pondering my life and asking rhetorical questions… like, “How does one move on?” or better yet… “How do you know when you have moved on?” I’m sad, I know… mainly because I feel as though I was really in love with him and that we shared something very special…. and I fucked it up. I had held out … hoping, but I heard him on Saturday and I guess it’s my turn to mourn now. Seeing him on Sat. was good. His apartment looked like a tornado hit it… and sweet Tasha, his dog, filled the air with her usual stench. John looked very sexy to me even though he also looked a bit strung out. I suspected and this suspicion was confirmed moments later with his confession of recent history of substance abuse… Percocet, lots of Cocaine, Pot and Alcohol. Deb, my therapist, says he was doing me a favor in telling me that he wasn’t available. After two days of sulking and therapy with Deb, I decided to get busy.
Since Saturday, I have been on two dates, and two more to go this week… all with different people. Monday, Jason took me out for my B’day and gave me a gift cert. for a massage. He is so sweet and we really click, somehow. He spent the night last night and we cuddled (and had sex)… we talked a lot over dinner and I told him some of what Deb had told me earlier during therapy. Basically, that perhaps I over analyze things and that maybe I should just try to enjoy the time I am spending getting to know him (and others, but I didn’t tell Jason that…) instead of feeling like I have to make a quick decision. Of course he went on to ask more… and I ended up telling him that I had some fear of the fact that we might be in different stages in our lives – I was tactful, of course, but it’s funny, because once I told him these things, I sort of let it go… I felt like I could just enjoy my time with him, and we did. We laughed and came back to my place and rolled around, cuddled and fell asleep. I like him, and I think the only decisions I’m ready to make about him right now is that I want to see him again.
The second date was tonight with a guy named Bryan. I also met him on Manhunt, we have been chatting for about a year… and have never met. I suggested that we have a no-pressure-to-have-sex dinner to just hang out and get to know one another a little bit. We did. I enjoyed his company, but didn’t really feel any sparks… even sexually (and this despite the fact that I have seen a picture of his big, beautiful, Armenian/Irish cock on Manhunt). Bryan is a decorative painter and gets commissioned to do murals and faux finish painting for a lot of high end homes… He is an interesting, creative type… 37, but hasn’t quite got his life together yet. Maybe I was a little turned off by his lack of “life” motivation. (side bar: he told me that he used to live on Mass Ave, but that he had had an after party years ago and someone at the party set the couch on fire with a cigarette, his place went up in flames and it created a watershed in his life… a lot of things changed for him… he doesn’t know that I know this, but the person who was smoking on the couch at the after hours party back in ’96 who caught the couch on fire and left was Taz – do you remember??) … Anyway – we ended the evening agreeing to get together again, but we were both tired and basically said our good-byes outside of the restaurant in the South End. I think I would give him one more try, but I don’t have a lot of faith in anything coming of it (accept maybe I’ll get to play with his big cock).
Tomorrow I have plans to have lunch with this guy (another well endowed man from Manhunt – getting the theme yet?), who is from San Francisco, went to Berkeley but lives in Cambridge. He is a beautiful Latino man – woof! But again, I am setting the stage to get to know him vs. just have hot sex. I did that on Sunday afternoon with this really hot guy that lives in my neighborhood (it’s was our second time together… and he is really just all about sex – his name is Ken). Sorry, I digress… anyway, this guy tomorrow’s name is Gil and he works in the Biotech industry. It will just be lunch… then I have a full afternoon working and the Community Servings Committee meeting tomorrow night from 6-8pm. I put a little sex only date on my calendar with another very hot guy for after 8pm – you know, just in case I need a little release from all these non sexual get-to-know you get-togethers – ha.
Then on Thursday evening, I am seeing Mark. It will be our first time together since I told him that I had feelings for him. If Isabel (the hurricane – who is due to arrive in some fashion that day) doesn’t get in the way, then I am going to grill for him at my house. I am looking forward to seeing him and being a little vulnerable with him….
Friday I have a GLAD dinner fund raiser thing that I agreed to go to… and Saturday, I rest (maybe a movie with Jason). Sunday, I have another sex date set up with this hot guy from Manhunt that I have been chatting with for a while (he is a sex-only guy)… after my open houses, of course.
So.. it’s a well planned and very full week. I’m exhausted just reading what I have planned. Probably too much, but I am not wasting any time feeling melancholy about John – I’m moving on…