If I tell my lover some of the fetishes I’m into I think he will leave me. I like the guy but I’m not sure he is ready to hear the total truth. Many former lovers have thought of me as being a bit weird, but I like being tied up with silly string by a man in a clown mask and a clown nose. And Jerry is not only very straight laced, but he isn’t anyone I see comfortable putting on a clown mask let alone while being naked in bed. Can I have my cake and eat it, too?
Hey Clown Man,
It depends on what you mean by having your cake and eating it too. If you mean can you be in this relationship with this man you like and still be able to live out your fantasies, I think the answer may be yes. But you have to be able to explore all, ahem, possibilities.
First, I would start a conversation about fantasies and fetishes. Find out what his thoughts are. Don’t be discouraged if they are initially negative or apprehensive. Many men feel uncomfortable discussing their darker desires even with their most intimate partners.
I would begin by trying to find out one of his fantasies and try acting it out. It may be a mild one like “talk dirty to me while your fucking me” or “I want you to drip candle wax on me” or “let’s have sex in a public place”. Or he could suprise you with something like “I want to dress up like a prostitute and have you slap me around and call me a whore” or “I want to be a master and have you as my slave in a dominant/submissive situation” or, one I heard from an actual patient of mine, “I want to fuck while scuba diving in the ocean”. My point is to be prepared for any answer.
When you have been able to act out one of his, then you can introduce, gently if necessary, your clown fantasy. See what his reaction is. Tell him about how nervous you were to reveal this information to him. And, last but not least, be prepared for him to say no. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you but it does mean that he is not ready to push his boundaries with you yet.
But he may accept your request and love the thrill of doing something different. Before you know it, you guys might be up to your ears in silly string and clown suits. Good luck
Dear Mark,
I want to tell someone I’m gay, but I haven’t been able to. I’ve made out with men, and fantasize about men all the time, but my sexual experiences have been limited to women?.
Am I gay?
Signed, Questioning
Dear Questioning,
The concept of sexuality is very multilayered and complex. People tend to place themselves into categories, gay/straight/bisexual, for the sake of comfort. Whereas these categories have very important meanings, I believe that sexuality is a fluid phenomena.
About half a decade ago, a man named Alfred Kinsey developed a scale to codify sexuality. The scale ran from 0 to 6. On one side of the scale was completely homosexual and on the other side of the scale was exclusively heterosexual. A score of 3 indicated a classic bisexual, someone who prefered to have sex with men or women just the same. He concluded that every human fell somewhere between 0 and 6 in terms of their sexuality. I often talk about this scale with my patients in order to give them some greater understanding of their sexuality so they don’t feel as if they have to place themselves into a specific category. Whereas categories can be safe, for someone who is questioning their sexuality, categories can be the source of much anxiety and fear. This way there are no labels. You can just be you.
This is how I think you should think about your situation. You are just you. You are in the stage where you are considering all your options. Do I like men? Do I like women? What do I like to do? Allow yourself to think about all the possibilities. Also, allow yourself to experience all the possibilities with both men and women. Find out what you like best. This is a long process and you should allow yourself some time to explore all your options. You may find out you feel more comfortable with your life with a female partner. But you also may find out you really enjoy being with men. If it is thoughts of a man that gets your blood boiling, go out and have some good gay sex.
We haven’t even begun to discuss what you like sexually either. You may find out you love oral sex. Or you may discover you love being a bottom or being a top or both. You may find out the thing that turns you on is guys with facial hair or shaved bodies or daddies or twinkies or black men or….you get my drift. And, of course, you may come up with the conclusion that some men finally come to….you like it all. As Woody Allen once said, “Who, in their right mind, wouldn’t choose to be a bisexual? You get twice as many dates on a Friday night.”
I would find a way to talk with my sexual partners, if possible, about what is going on for you. I don’t mean you have to talk about it if you’re going to trick with some guy from the gym or local club. But if the subject comes up, I suggest you don’t shy away from it.
Who knows if you’re gay or not? Certainly not me. The only person who can figure all that out is you. People can tell you what they think you want to hear or what they want you to be. But only you have the power to create the life that feels right to you.