Sexpert #3

July 22, 2016by Mark Rutherford

Dear Mark

Recently, I was in a group scene with my partner.  There were a total of about five guys in all.  For some reason, as it began, I began to get uncomfortable.  I think it may have been that I wasn’t attracted to one of the guys.  I asked my partner to leave with me and he said no.  I ended up leaving on my own.  He returned to the room a couple of hours later and  went to sleep.  Suffice it to say I was extremely upset.  I woke him up and threatened to leave and then, in turn, he threatened to leave and we both got huffy.  Later, after things cooled down, I found a small note on my pillow with the words “I’m sorry” on it.  But we haven’t spoken of the incident since.  Was I wrong to leave the group scene?  Was he wrong not to have come with me when I asked him to?

Signed, Two’s company, Five’s a crowd

Dear Two’s Company

Before answering your direct questions, I would want to know how you ended up at the sex party in the first place.  Was it his idea or your idea?  Had the two of you ever been to a sex party before?  If so, what was the established protocol in terms of behavior for the two of you?  If this was your first time in such a situation, was there a prior discussion to make sure how you both felt about group sex?  Also, was there any talk about  what the two of you would do if things went wrong?  These questions are essential to discuss with your partner before  stripping down and getting it on with three other guys.  Will you just get blowjobs or will you be able to give them as well?  Are you going to fuck or not?  If so, are you going to bottom or top?  Will you make sure you both are wearing condoms?   Is kissing another guy okay?  And the list goes on and on.

From what you have told me it seems you were genuinely uncomfortable by the group dynamics.  When this is the case I believe it is best to extract yourself from the situation.   If you told your partner and he didn’t come with you makes me wonder what that discussion looked like in the moment.  Did you say “I’m leaving and you better come with me or else” or did you say “There’s a guy here who makes me uncomfortable.  Would you mind if we left”.  Both are essentially the same statement but they come off in two different ways.

Your best bet is to sit him down and rehash the whole thing over again.  I know many guys would like to just leave the matter alone and ‘let sleeping horn-dogs lie‘.  However, if you don’t speak of it again you risk the chance of a repeat performance in a similar situation.  The fact that he left you the apology note says that he has some understanding that what he did was wrong on some level.  But I would approach a conversation with him that focuses on making some positive changes in your relationship rather than pointing fingers at past behavior.  Say something like “I know the last sex party we went to was a bust.  I would be interested in doing it again if you are but I think we should talk about a few things first.  Here are some of my concerns…..”  Then you both can get all your worries, anxieties, fears, hopes, fantasies out in the open so you both are aware of all the dynamics and know what to expect if and when that particular situation happens again.  This is a growth exercise for the relationship that brings you closer together.   At the same time, it also clears up the misunderstanding so you don’t fall into the same sex trap again.

Dear Mark,

I have been having sex with men for about the past three years since I left my wife.  I had never been with a man before and was a little anxious.  I have only given or received blowjobs or handjobs.  Since I have never been fucked in the ass, does that mean I am technically still a “gay virgin“?

Signed, Virgin?

Dear Virgin,

No…sorry buddy.  Not having had anal intercourse doesn’t mean  you are a ‘gay virgin’.   You’ve been having all kinds of sex for quite some time.  With females for a long time and with men for at least a couple of years.  It just means you haven’t ever put your dick in another guy’s ass or haven’t let another man fuck you yet.  That’s all.  Many gay men live their entire lives without engaging in that specific sexual behavior.  Some men don’t like it.  Others find it uncomfortable or painful.  Some guys love it and very much connect to the sensation of being the passive receiver or active insertive partner.  It depends on your preference.  And this is what it is all about, my friend…..preference.

Of course, anal intercourse remains the most popular sexual activity among gay men.  Many men define themselves around this specific behavior.  And many men only define sex in terms of whether they have had intercourse or not.  How many times have you heard, “I’m strictly a top” or “I’m a bottom”?  However, I find these labels somewhat limiting.  Generally, sexuality is about what makes us feel good.  I say go out and try everything there is to try.  See what you like and what you don’t like.  See if you like being a top or a bottom….or both.  The ever popular “Versatile” status of many gay men seems to be an attempt to say “I like pretty much everything we might consider doing together in bed.”    Try to steer clear of labels and try to put your preconceptions on the back shelf.

This also bears saying.  Last, but not least, whether or not you are a “gay virgin” has very little to do with what kinds of sex you’re having or if you’re even having sex at all.  The experience of being gay speaks to all areas of your life: sexual, social, spiritual, and intellectual.  Remember that as you make your way through these first few years as an emerging gay man.  Sex is an amazing, fabulous component of being gay but, in the end, it’s only a part of a bigger picture.

Dear Sexpert,
My partner and I met at a ball game We cruised each other for several
innings. Eventually I had to take a whiz and who would end up next to
me in the next stall but the guy I had been ogling earlier. We spent
the rest of the game in the stall and the next 16 years together. We
still love each other and have managed to not kill each other over
the years. Unfortunately we are both tops….over the years my
partner’s libido has tapered off whereas mine has pretty much
remained that of a raging 18-year-old. We don’t have sex anymore. I
spend a lot of time in the gym and I have a nice body but it doesn’t
make a difference. I’ve been having this affair…with my right hand.
So much so, I think its a compulsion. It’s such a shame to waste such
a lovely cock. I want to fuck someone so bad. I can barely remember
what penetration feels like. I don’t want to leave my lover, but I
need more. What’s a guy to do? Help!

Hey Rob,  Your story is the stuff of fantasies.  Ball games, locker rooms, top guys.  It sounds like you were off to a great start with your partner.  It seems to me where you ran into problems is when you began to have issues about your sex life.  In specific how to negotiate each of your individual needs.

The myth of romantic love can keep couples together for a long time, sometimes years.  However, sooner or later, a power struggle emerges that forces you to deal with some of the underlying issues.  In your case, one of the underlying issues centers around the issues of sex and sexual intimacy.  This is quite normal and very solvable.

My suggestion would be to have a heart to heart discussion with your partner.  If you have been together for sixteen years, there is obviously intent on both of your parts to stay in this relationship.  Talk to him about your concerns.   Hear what he has to say from his perspective.  While understandable, the “we’re both tops” conundrum falls flat under closer examination.  There are many alternatives to anal intercourse that could constitute a happy and healthy sex life.  If fucking really is the issue for you (and/or your partner), talk about ways to incorporate it.  Maybe one or both of you could consider the possibility of being a bottom once in a while.  I hear over and over from “top men” that one of the best sexual experiences they ever had was the first time they decided to try being a bottom.  For guys so wrapped up in the control aspect of sex, letting go and being a passive participant can be a transforming as well as hugely enjoyable, experience.  You can also talk about the possibility of opening up your relationship to include sex with other people.  See what his thoughts are about finding a great bottom guy that you are both attracted to that can service you both.  Imagine the possibilities of using the incorporation of another man to spice up the spark in your sex life.  You could get one guy and take turns.  You could find two men willing to bottom for you and switch back and forth.  You could get a few regular fuck buddies.  The possibilities are endless.

The one thing that won’t work, however, is you continuing to hide your feelings from him.  Because that affair you are having with your hand will eventually turn into an affair with another man.  It always does.  And then you will have emotionally betrayed your lover.  This kind of damage can be harder to undo.