QuestionMark? #92

July 21, 2016by Mark Rutherford

Dear Mark

I’m in a love triangle and not sure what to do about it. I’ve been dating the same woman for over 9 months. We were both looking for a relationship when we met and sort of fell into one with each other. She had been in bad ones prior to me and mine had been unfulfilling as well. We were attracted to each other and seemed to want the same things, house/church/friends/kids. Things were good for while. That’s when I met, I’ll call her Sandra. It was actually at church and it caught me off guard. I was immediately attracted to her but we started a friendship that grew in intensity for many months. Sandra would do things with us and she would have us to her house as a couple. My partner liked her and I thought all was fine. Then one day we were alone together after going shopping. I’ll always remember this because were standing over her kitchen counter talking and she just leaned over and kissed me. Again, she caught me completely off guard. My gut reaction was to kiss her back. It just felt so right. We haven’t slept together but have met several times for intimate moments with each other. I thought the right thing to do was to tell my girlfriend so I did even though I was afraid of her reaction. To my surprise she suggested we all go out together and “see where things went”. I told Sandra about this and she seemed very agreeable to the idea. I don’t know what to think. Should I do this even though I have extreme reservations about it. I don’t have any clue as to how this may play out. I have never even met someone in a threesome relationship.


Ginny in Deerfield


Dear Ginny,

I have seen many threesome relationships. This is not the problem in my opinion. I’m not sure if that is what either of these women have in mind anyway. But you must ask them and find out for sure. What are their intentions? Is it to have a full scale relationship? Is it sex? Is it just for fun? What’s going on here? I would suggest having these conversations with each woman separately before trying any sort of joint venture. It would be like going into a crowded department store blindfolded. I would start with your partner and find out what she is feeling. She may only be agreeing with this because she thinks it is the only way to keep you. If this is the case, you will need to rethink the plan. She may be intrigued by the idea and only want to experiment sexually. If so, how does this fit into what your expectations are. How do you really feel about this other woman, Sandra? Would you leave your current partner for her? And, if so, is this current situation only a diluted version of what you really want? And why is Sandra so interested in trying something like this when in the past she has only been interested in you. Something about her behavior doesn’t sit well. Making a pass at a “friend” lacks good boundaries and just isn’t honest. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone like that. There are many questions you need to ask them and yourself.


Dear Mark,

I just broke up with a guy over the holidays and I think he is stalking me. I have never had a stalker but his behavior is very strange and my friends keep telling me he’s after me. I don’t know how or if I should approach him. Since the breakup three weeks ago I keep getting hangup calls at all hours of the day and night. I try star 69 but they can’t be tracked. My car was broken into at my job but nothing was stolen except my address book that was in my briefcase. He has left two semi-threatening messages on my cell phone about how he hates me and that I’m “scum just like all the rest of them and he hopes I die”. I’m not sure if I should call the police or not. My ex told me he had spent a few weeks in jail many years ago for stalking his first lover. He talked about it like he had learned his lesson and had moved on. Now that things aren’t working out for us I see some of the same behavior he talked about during his first relationship. I’m not sure if I’m being paranoid because I knew about his past or not. Should I call him up and talk with him about it?


Signed, Jason Wilton Manors


Dear Jason,


My advice would be have no contact with him. For no other reason than the messages left on your cell phone. That is reason enough to keep your distance. The rest cannot be proven but your best bet would be to be safe rather than sorry. He seems like a man who needs to work on some of his issues but that has to be his decision and his journey….not yours. Sometimes, if this truly is a stalking case, any contact even bad contact is enough to keep the person attached and interested. This is bad news for the person being stalked.


You did not share with me the particulars of the break up but if he has a legit reason to be upset and you feel you want to talk with him, a letter may be the best recourse. If his behavior does not fit the situation, my advice would be to leave it alone. There are always two sides to every story but you only need to worry about your side at this time. I don’t think it’s time to contact police but I would save the cell phone messages and give this information to a few of your close friends so people are aware of what’s going on. Nothing may come of it and he may drop it. But if he doesn’t you at least have somewhere to start.