QuestionMark? #104

July 21, 2016by Mark Rutherford

My problem with intercourse is not in the initial penetration (the pain
here is minimal), but when my partner is fully inserted. The pain is
terrible, like my anus is full, but not in a good way. I would compare it to
the pain I felt when I had a sigmoidoscopy. Being a bottom is something
I would like to explore and eventually enjoy. I’m not sure
if it makes any difference, but I’ve never really noticed any particular
sensation (pleasure or otherwise) when I have my prostate played with. It
doesn’t matter if the other guy is using his finger or his penis, I don’t
seem to feel much of anything.  These two challenges have made it near
impossible for me to ever climax from anal sex. What can I do?


Of course, the obvious answer is to see a doctor. Not just any doctor but, hopefully, one who is gay and knows about things like your prostrate and it’s connection to your ability to have satisfying and enjoyable receptive anal intercourse. I don’t want to push gay doctors on you but, in my experience, they are better suited to have a more complete and frank discussion with you regarding gay sex and your body. You can feel more comfortable saying “it hurts when I have receptive intercourse” and not have the doctor look at you like he has no idea what you are talking about. In addition to HIV, there are a slew of nasty little std’s that a sexually active gay man can acquire. These kinds of topics are much easier to broach when you are talking with a gay doctor who may have been in a similar situation in his personal life. Same goes for a gay therapist. There is much to be said about shared, common experience in the helping profession.


I conducted a bit of research with a gay doctor friend of mine to get more insight on your dilemma. He stated that some men have a genetically enlarged prostate and for gay men who want to bottom it can be a problem. He also said that sometimes men can have a long term (sometimes years) small infection in the prostate that causes it to be somewhat enlarged. When the prostate is swollen it experiences less sensation. Take care of the infection and the prostate goes down making sex more enjoyable. He told me a sigmoidoscopy is sort of a mini-colonoscopy that concentrates on the prostate. If that came up negative for you then you should be okay. He suggested getting some blood work done to deal with the infection question.


Another, less medical explanation is that maybe you haven’t found the right partner. Letting someone put his cock inside of you can be a major act of trust for some guys. Ask yourself if you are attempting intercourse too soon in an interaction with a guy. Casual, friendly sex with someone you know and trust is very different from the hot but anonymous sex you may get at a bath house. Let me know how it turns out for you.


Dear Mark,

I met this guy about a week ago. He is adorable and a bit older than I ( 51 ) , i am 40. I have no problems with older men, in fact I tend to date them more than people my age. There is a lot to be said about people who are more stable in their life. For some reason I am very attracted to him, physically, mentally etc.  He is fun, witty, smart, and seems to have his shit together.
But,,, Just a few days ago I get a note from him “letting me off the hook”.   The note stated that he knows how much I value honesty, etc.     He had been fighting a bad cold and stated he really needs to take care of himself because he is HIV+.    That never came up in our earlier conversations, but I have to say I thought something was “wrong” when I could not get him to commit to an actual dinner date and a movie.

His note was quite odd in that I felt as though he was releasing me from a plague or something.    I responded to his note after a few days of thinking about my response.  To me, it does not change who he is as a person, it does not change the fact that he is truly adorable. What does change is sex.

I have to say that I am quite ignorant when it comes to HIV and what a person is going through, and what I should or should not be doing with them.  I am always safe with the people I am with or have been with.    He was diagnosed in 1985 with HIV, I got through to him last night and told him I still want to go to dinner, and see his play that he is in ( he is an actor ).  I have to say it would be hard not to give him a big kiss and want to spend some quality time with him.   It sounds like he fears for my safety and basically cut off all ties for now.

Can you help me with a few things please?
1) Do HIV+ people have any form of sex life?   How safe is it for a HIV- person.??
2) Leave it alone or pursue it?
Signed, Will


Dear Will,
First, to answer your questions. Yes, HIV+ people have sex all the time. Great sex in fact. As a sexually active gay man, HIV is a disease you should make it your mission to find out more about. Basically, it affects a person’s immune system making them vulnerable to certain infections. This used to be a very bad thing. Today, having HIV is a much different story. It is a new world for many people with HIV. New drugs have turned it into a chronic manageable disease. So people are living very long and very full lives with HIV. Every time I write about the promising component of HIV I get a number of emails reminding me that not everyone responds to the new drugs. But the fact of the matter is that many people have a new lease on life because of these drugs.


There are a few precautions that an HIV- person should take when having sex with someone who has HIV. Always fuck with a condom. Even if you are the top and the person getting fucked is positive it is important to use a condom. When giving a blowjob make sure you don’t have any cuts or sores in your mouth and don’t let the person come inside of you. Have him pull out and shoot on your chest and neck. It’s just as hot.   Those are the basics. I suggest you talk to a prevention counselor at your local HIV/AIDS organization. Any HIV testing site will have people who will be more than happy to sit you down and talk through the, ahem, ins and outs of gay sex. Or purchase a copy of the new “Joy of Gay Sex”. Great book with pictures and all.


Your last question is a more personal one. You asked if you should pursue it or leave it alone. That is something you will have to decide. My thoughts are that if you have a special connection with this man it would be a shame not to explore all the possibilities. Some guys shy away from positive guys. If you’ve ever been on any sex site on the computer you undoubtedly have seen “HIV neg UB2” or “disease free only”. In my opinion this tells a lot about the fears of the person writing the ad. Refusing to get to know someone because of a difference in their blood is shallow and limiting. It’s also a false sense of safety. No one knows with any certainty of their HIV status unless they are already positive or have had no sex whatsoever in six months. Your best bet is to assume everyone is positive and gauge your sexual behavior accordingly.


I say give this nice man a call. His behavior tells me he is afraid of your rejection because of his HIV positive status. That explains the “under the radar” disclosure. I am sure he has been rejected before and, because he has a connection with you, is being extra cautious. I suggest you have a frank and open discussion with him about your thoughts and concerns. Hear what is on his mind as well. Who knows…he could be the love of your life. Or just really hot, and safe sex. It’s all good.