QuestionMark #78
By Mark Rutherford LCSW
I’m a gay male in my mid 40s’. I am very well endowed, its 13 inches long and 8 around, and I am uncut with a 2 inch overhang. You can imagine how hard it is to find men who will sleep with me, they all say it will hurt. I tell them I won’t butŠit’s always an issue. As a result, I really never get off the way I want to, or know that I can. I can get off getting fucked, but I really want to be a top. ŠI want to love someone the way they will love me. Having a really huge cock is not all it’s cracked up to be, I assure you. I would love some helpful advice.
The old adage really does ring true here….”size does matter”. Whether you consider yourself to be too big or too small. The reality is that it’s all relative. Some people tend to focus on the things they don’t have. My question to you would be how you set up your sexual encounters. Are they all one night stands or online sex? Or do you meet men within the context of dating? If it is the latter, my suggestion would be to talk with your potential partner about your concerns…..and hopes I might add.
Trust me, many gay men will jump at the chance to bottom for a guy your size. You can walk into any gay bar in the world and eavesdrop on a conversation and hear “the bigger the better” theory being discussed. There will be willing men. There will also be men who will be turned on by the idea of flipping and topping a guy who is as endowed as you are. Fucking a guy with a big dick certainly fills a niche in the fantasy porn department. So if you can find a guy who likes to do both, you will have scored a home run.
The best way to deal with your concerns is to put them out there and see what comes back to you. If you are attracted to a guy but he expresses some concern about your size, talk about it with him. Find out what exactly he is worried about and if some of the concerns can be addressed. Do a “test run”, go slow, and see how it works. Think about the mechanics of the sexual act. Do you have to go slow? Not enter him with the entire length of your cock? Does he need to be on his back or on his stomach? Would poppers help? More lube? Less lube? Consider all the options.
In the end, please remember the only person who truly has an issue with your size it you. The rest is up to you how you present yourself to the rest of the gay world. Go out and enjoy that big dick of yours.
Dear Sexpert,
I am top Puerto Rican gay, 42 with bright brown eyes and very
handsome. I have a problem. Everyone looks at me like a cock. They
think that a cock is all I am. They just come looking to me for sex.
I do not like going with different men. I would like a relationship
with one. But that never happens. My friends tell me to stop
complaining because when I go to the bars, everyone wants to have sex
with me. I am horny but I am finding myself depressed and lonely. I
think I am losing my sensitivity and belief that love truly exists. I
think my ex wife convinced me of that. I am friends with all of my ex
boyfriends, but nothing lasts. I am not a bad guy. I am out of the
closet. I liked your advice to the man who had a similar problem and
you told him to go out more and be confident. I’ve done that. Men
still only want to have sex with me. What do I do if I want more than
that? One night stands are not my thing.
Rey, Carolina, PR.
Your question touched me. Many guys may be rolling their eyes thinking “I wish I had his problem”, but in fact it is a problem for you. We, as a culture, have this uncanny tendency to define people by their physical attributes. Great tits, bubble butt, big dick seem to be substitutions for the actual human being. Or, sometimes, the person’s identity is usurped by what they like to do or be…butch/fem, top/bottom.
There is no mistake that the third word in your letter to me was the description of yourself as a “TOP” guy. If you want others to see you for more than that, you must first learn to put more than that out there. Or, at least, begin with some other qualities you consider more important. I used to get frustrated with the “pretty boy” category people seemed to want to place me in. However, I realized that a part of me bought into that description of myself. In fact, a part of me relied on it. I said I wanted to be seen as more than “just pretty” but found I was uncomfortable putting some of my other qualities out there for public consumption. Qualities like my intelligence is a good example. I said I wanted people to see me as smart but when a situation arose where I was called upon to think I found myself stumbling. I found I had to allow for the possibility that people could see me as a smart person. The same could be true for you. People can and will see you as more than just a hot guy with a nice cock.
My advice would be to settle into your other qualities like your sensibility, your intelligence, or maybe your sense of humor. All of these qualities can be equally as charming and seductive and sexy as your big dick and your expertise in the sack. It’s great to be sexually desirable but remember it is only part of the bigger picture. Being a hot man can be so many things and physicality is fleeting. Even the best sex only lasts for a couple of hours. Some guys are so stuck in the “dick factor” that they never get to taste all the rest of the juicy morsels that make up a man. It’s your job to let them get a taste of the rest of you.