QuestionMark #78

July 22, 2016by Mark Rutherford

Dear Mark,
I am top Puerto Rican gay, 42 with bright brown eyes and very
handsome. I have a problem. People just come looking to me for sex.
I do not like going with different men. I would like a relationship
with one. But that never happens. My friends tell me to stop
complaining because when I go to the bars, everyone wants me. I am interested for the moment but I am finding myself depressed and lonely. I
think I am losing my sensitivity and belief that love truly exists. I
think my ex wife convinced me of that. I am friends with all of my ex
boyfriends, but nothing lasts. I am not a bad guy. I am out of the
closet. I liked your advice to the man who had a similar problem and
you told him to go out more and be confident. I’ve done that. Men
still only want to have sex with me. What do I do if I want more than
that? One night stands are not my thing.
Rey, Carolina, PR.

Your question touched me.  Many guys may be rolling their eyes thinking “I wish I had his problem”, but in fact it is a problem for you.  We, as a culture, have this uncanny tendency to define people by their physical attributes.  Great tits, bubble butt, big dick seem to be substitutions for the actual human being.  Or, sometimes, the person’s identity is usurped by what they like to do or be…butch/fem, top/bottom.

There is no mistake that the third word in your letter to me was the description of yourself as a “TOP” guy.  If you want others to see you for more than that, you must first learn to put more than that out there.  Or, at least, begin with some other qualities you consider more important.  I used to get frustrated with the “pretty boy” category people seemed to want to place me in.  However, I realized that a part of me bought into that description of myself.  In fact, a part of me relied on it.  I said I wanted to be seen as more than “just pretty” but found I was uncomfortable putting some of my other qualities out there for public consumption.  Qualities like  intelligence is a good example.  I said I wanted people to see me as smart but when a situation arose where I was called upon to think I found myself stumbling.  I found I had to allow for the possibility that people could see me as a smart person.  The same could be true for you.  People can and will see you as more than just a hot guy.

My advice would be to settle into your other qualities like your sensibility, your intelligence, or maybe your sense of humor.  All of these qualities can be equally as charming and seductive and sexy as the way you look.  It’s great to be sexually desirable but remember it is only part of the bigger picture.  Being a hot man can be so many things and physicality is fleeting.  Even the best sex only lasts for a couple of hours.  Some guys are so stuck in the sexual component that they never get to experience all the rest of the qualities that make up a man.  It’s your job to let them get a chance to see  the rest of you.

Dear Mark,

I’m writing because I’m embarrassed to talk with my friends about what is going on for me.  I’ve got a good life with a good job and nice friends.  I’ve always been in a relationship.  My last relationship lasted four years.  I’m 33 and the last five months have been the first time in my adult life I have been single.  I’ve been doing all the right things like going on dates, getting on the internet, going out with my friends, going to the gym.  I even took a trip home for the first time in a couple of years to see my family.  But I end up thinking the same thing at the end of the day….I’m alone.

Signed, Looking for Love

Dear Looking for Love,

Your dilemma is a not uncommon one.  Gay and straight alike, people are enveloped in this life long quest for love.  This is a universal human phenomena.  Don’t beat yourself up.  But also try to put it into some context for your life.

Every difficult change in our lives is an opportunity for growth.  It’s a chance to learn something about yourself that you did not know before.  Take this time to revel in your “single-ness”.  Do not be over concerned with the fact that you are not with a boyfriend.  Along the same lines, do not focus too much on “the search” either.  Spending time with friends is good and going to the gym couldn’t hurt.  I love the fact you are attempting to reconnect with your family.  I would suggest you also try picking up a book, a subject you love, and begin reading.  Go to the beach in the morning for long walks.  Paint a room in your house a new color.  Volunteer at your favorite organization.  Get a hobby.  Adopt a pet from the rescue league.  Go sky diving.

My point is you should use this time to rediscover yourself and, more to the point, enjoy yourself.  It’s okay to look for love, just try not to be consumed with it.  From what you shared about your history, the next relationship will come again.  And with that relationship will be your next chance to attempt to make a lasting connection with someone.  Just imagine how much better that connection could be if you came to the table as a more well rounded, better read, more experienced, richer person.