I have a boyfriend who keeps telling me that honesty is the most
important thing in a relationship. He says he would leave me if I
ever lied to him. And that’s the problem. He asked me point blank one
night if I ever slept with this guy (I’ll call him Larry) that he has
real good reason for despising. I lied about having slept with the
guy to spare my bf’s feelings. I knew if I said I had slept with
Larry, my bf would have broken up with me on the spot. I slept with
Larry one time, I was drunk, and I was stupid to do it. I don’t even
like the guy, to be honest. Larry will never tell him, they will
never interact. But I have a very guilty conscience right now.
Steven, the bf, knows something is wrong. If I come clean, we are
probably done. If I don’t come clean, the guilt will kill me. Can you
Ah, the trials and tribulations of true love. There isn’t an easy answer here. You’ve pretty much gone over the options you have before you. You real dilemma is over this concept of honesty in your life. I would wonder how many times you have told a little “white lie” to spare this guy’s (and others) feelings. You may be right. The relationship may in fact be over. But, make no mistake, it’s not because you slept with the hottie your boyfriend can’t stand. It’s because you have been unable to consistently tell the truth to your partner. There is probably a reason your boyfriend feels compelled to continually tell you that honesty is the most important thing for him. There is a part of him that subconsciously knows you are not being upfront with him.
That being said, it’s time to face the music. You have to tell him what happened. You can preface it with the “I felt really bad and didn’t know how to tell you” conversation. And you can back it up with the “telling people things that I know will hurt their feelings has always been hard on me since I was a kid” conversation. But what he needs to hear is that you understand you made a mistake, you are sorry, and you don’t want the relationship to end. The rest is up to him. If you don’t tell him, sooner or later he will find out. They/boyfriends/men always do. It’s just a matter of time. If it’s not about this situation, he will catch you on the next time you try to “spare his feelings”.
If you can tell him the truth now, you will begin to practice a skill that you desperately need. Like anything, it will be hard at first but you get so much better as you do it more and more….like riding a….well let’s just go ahead and say ‘bike’ instead of another four letter word I’m thinking of. If it’s over with this guy then you’ve learned a hard lesson. And when faced with a similar situation the next time around chances are you will handle things much differently.
Just remember, he’s a guy. And he’s a gay guy at that. Gay guys like sex. We like to fool around. His feelings will be hurt but on some level he will understand what you are saying to him about the “sexual urges” part. If you are lucky, you will have the chance to prove you aren’t just a cocksucker but a trustworthy cocksucker. Best of luck to you.