Healthy Relationships: Two strikes and you're out?

Dear Mark: I am a 42-year-old professional woman. About two years ago, I ended a 14-year "on again/off again" marriage to a man who was the first real love of my life. We met in college and dated for 5 years before we married. I loved him with all my heart and still love him. And I know he still loves me, too.

The problem is he couldn't stay faithful and he was really bad with money. When we met, everything was great. I felt more confident around him. He was charming and all my friends loved him. When we married, it was the happiest day of my life. But about two years into the marriage, I started noticing signs that he was cheating. It took about another year for me to gain my courage to confront him.

At first he denied everything but eventually he fessed up. We went to counseling, but he just couldn't change. All I really wanted was for him to tell me the truth, but he couldn't seem to do it. We divorced but remained in contact. After about a year apart, we met for a drink one night and got to reminiscing. Long story short, we got back together and eventually remarried. I told myself even though he wasn't perfect, I loved him and he would be a good father.

I guess it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that, of course, he cheated again. This time I let it go on for years. I just pretended it wasn't happening. I kept trying to get pregnant and told myself once we had a kid he would straighten up. Well one day he comes home and tells me he's fallen in love (with his secretary...what a cliché). I had no emotion. I didn't cry. I didn't feel anything. I called my lawyer and we were divorced within a few months. Now, however, I'm mad. It's been three years and I should have moved on and I haven't.

I've dated half of West Palm Beach, but the men are losers for the most part. They either just want sex or to have a good time. To find a man in his 40s or 50s who wants to commit isn't rare...it's a miracle. And to make matters worse, I think it's too late for me to have a baby. Come to find out, my ex was sterile. All those years of trying so hard to have a child and I don't find that little nugget of information out until we've been divorced the second time. I would love to find a man and get married again. I would love to have a child or children. But in my heart I just don't believe it's going to happen. Two strikes and you're out

Dear Two strikes, Maybe you should reframe this situation. Rather than "Two strikes and you're out," perhaps you could try "Third time's a charm."

I'm very sorry to hear of your struggles with intimacy with your ex. From what you have told me, you did everything you could have done to ensure open and honest communication with him the first time around. Your denial during your second marriage also makes a lot of sense. Sometimes we want things (like to be married and have kids) so bad we sort of will ourselves to look past all the stuff that doesn't fit our perfect picture. Although denial is ultimately unsatisfying, it does help us get through some very difficult times.

But here's the thing: I really hope you don't give up on love or the possibility of kids. It sounds like it is your life-long dream. You deserve to have your dream. For many years, that dream has been put to the side and taken a back seat to another person's agenda. Now it's your turn.

You said you desperately want kids. Have you considered other options? Artificial insemination, surrogacy and adoption are three very viable alternatives. There are no rules set in stone here. Who says you have to be married to have a child? Who says you won't find a man if you have a kid first? Does it make it easier for you to find a partner? Perhaps not. But think of it this way. Part of what makes a happy, fulfilled person is the presence of passion and a purpose in your life. Right now you don't have one. You are angry and dejected. Rightfully so. But if you can tap into your passion -- maybe it's having a child, maybe something else -- some of that anger will begin to dissipate.

More joy and less anger in your life will open the door to new possibilities in relationships. We all know it's much harder to find someone when you're angry as opposed to when you are happy. I'm not saying this is the way, but it's something to think about. Mark