Healthy Relationships: Being 'The Decider' in a relationship.

Dear Mark: My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. We both had marriages and children prior to meeting and we decided the second time we got married it would be for love. We've had a wonderful life. Or so I thought. I'm a physician and after I retired last year, my wife said she was leaving me and going up north to live with her daughter and grandkids.

She was so mad that I had not told her of my decision to retire from my practice. She said I never included her in the big decisions in our life together and that she was sick of it. I was shocked. But then I started thinking. I guess on some level, she's right. I did make decisions without her but it was always because it was in her best interest, our best interest, and I didn't want her to worry.

We've been meeting every weekend and I've tried to tell her this but she ain't buying it. She says I never really thought about her best interest. All I thought about was my own and that I never really respected her, so I made all the big decisions without her. I told her this just wasn't true. She's the love of my life. Everything I've ever done over the past 20 years, I've done for her. I told her I would change but she is holding fast. She says I've had our whole relationship to change; why would she think I'd change now. How can I convince her I've changed? Desperate in Delray

Dear Desperate, I guess my first question to you is, "Have you changed?"

It sounds like you have gotten some of what she has said to you -- although you didn't hear it until she moved out and threatened to end the relationship. My guess is she's been saying close to the same thing to you for many years. Her grand gesture was the only way you would actually hear it. But the question remains, what will you do about it?

• How will you begin to show her that you get how she's felt all these years? How making big life decisions alone that involves you both would probably make her feel isolated, disconnected from you, and worthless.


• What kind of plan do you have in regards to joint decision making in the future? How will you actively involve her in this process?


• Even more important, is this something you want to do? Perhaps you're more comfortable with the way things have been. Are you ready to give up that dynamic?

I've posed many questions. My suggestion would be to get to a therapist to sort some of this out for yourself. Maybe even a joint session or two to get a feel for where she's at and how she wants to proceed.

Best of luck to you.