Healthy Relationships: My teenage daughter is driving me crazy.

Dear Mark: I've been reading your column for the past couple of months and I like what you have to say. I was hoping you could help me. You see, I'm the mother of a teenage girl. You've probably heard all this before, but this past year has been a bit of a nightmare. I'm a single mom. Her father and I were divorced about 2 years ago when my daughter was 13. She seemed fine with it at the time. We even took her to a counselor for a few sessions but she seemed to be doing okay.

However, two years later, she is 15 and is seemingly always filled with rage. Her anger is about a lot of things: boys, friends, school, her dad. But most of it seems directed at me. I have tried talking to her about it and I get the classic eye roll and walk out of the room reaction. Our relationship has always been very strong and very close but now it's as if she doesn't want anything to do with me. She's being very secretive and acts like it's an intrusion if I come into her room at all. I've never hit my child but now find myself having to resist the urge to slap her across the face. I'm a reasonably smart woman but am having trouble knowing the best place to start here. Help! Donna, Greenacres

Hi Donna, First off, take a deep breath. Know that you are doing the best you can. Teenagers can be tough. We've all heard the horror stories about the stunts teens pull. But rest assured there are some steps you can take.

You didn't indicate what sort of discipline structure you had in your home. But if it's been somewhat ambiguous, now is the time to firm this up. Create a set of rules and expectations for the household. You might even try to sit down with her together and create a list. Put it on your refrigerator so no one can forget.

Some great ideas on structuring a parenting plan can be found on www.family-rules.com. On this site, Dr. Matthew Johnson talks about creating a list of expectations and rules and specified punishments, such as work cards, to keep a child on track. I've seen quite a few families successfully navigate a difficult child with this plan. In the plan is a great concept of a rewards system (for doing chores/homework/getting good grades, etc.) It takes a page from positive psychology and aims at building upon the child's skills while also strengthening the relationship.

Another thing to think about is some of her unresolved feelings around your divorce. No matter how good she seemed at the time, she most likely hadn't processed all of her feelings. This can take some time for a child and, despite the best intentions of the parent, they will only begin to process it when they are ready.

She will not be open to it if you push the issue of a conversation. However, if you prepare and (keyword here:) wait for her to open the door, she will be ready to go there with you. It may not be an obvious door-opener like I'm mad at you for divorcing dad. Most likely it will be some problem she is having with one of her friends or a boyfriend.

Find a way to be present when she comes to you. Don't try to solve her problems. You both know you can't do that and she will shut down if you try. Just be there with her in her frustration/sadness. Show her you are available and open. Put your anger on the shelf at these moments and don't bring up every problem she is having at one time.

For example, something like:

It hurts when you think you are close to a friend and you find them talking about you behind your back. Tell me more about it.

may be more successful for you than, say,

That group of girls has always been a problem. Maybe you should find a new group and then maybe you'll have time to get your homework done.

All of the latter may be true, but there is value in listening rather than solving a situation for your child. If you can do this, she will begin, perhaps slowly at first, to let you back into her world.

You are probably right. She is mad and it is directed at you. Kids often direct their unresolved feelings towards the parent they feel the safest with. Consider this challenge as more of an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with your daughter and give her a chance to heal some of the residual pain she is carrying around. And don't get discouraged. Change will not come immediately. It may take a whole year. But at the end of it all, you will be glad you made the effort. Mark