Healthy Relationships: Teenage daughter drama.

Dear Mark: I have a teenage daughter (age 16), who has crying fits when punished or told no, as if she's 2. After I hear the crying slow down, I'll go into her room and talk to her. Here's how our latest conversation went:

mother: You know I have rules for a reason, and they are only there to help you grow into a well-balanced young woman. I do this because I care enough. If I didn't care, I'd let you roam the streets and do whatever you wanted and not have rules.

daughter: But (my friend) is only 14 and she has a later curfew and can go to concerts without an adult.

mother: You can't use a friend with divorced parents as an example here. For as long as we've known them, I've noticed how that family works. The parents give in to that child to try to be the 'better' parent. She knows it and plays one parents off another. I've even heard her say that in my car.

daughter: But why can't I stay out late or go on a boat with some guys that I know from school? I know I never hung out with them before, but do I have to know them for a month before I can hang out with them? I'm going to be trapped in this house all summer long!

mother: Give me some credit here. I let you have (another friend) sleep over on a school night -- even though you had exams the next morning. And you both hung out with the boat guy for two hours. Then I embarrassed you by going out to the parking lot at 10pm to get you in the house when you were supposed to be in at 9:30.

daughter: Well I was in my own driveway at least.

mother: Are you kidding me? If you can't see that's not the same as being inside, you have a problem. I give up.

I walked out of her room frustrated. Then, pissed off that I didn't punish her for this, I went back in her room and told her to give me her cell phone. She apologized and begged me not to take it. She began wailing, while her friend stared off into space. It didn't even dawn on me to have her friend out of the room when all this happened.

Now before you analyze this I have to say some things. My daughter was caught smoking pot and drinking, so there are trust issues with that. If she fell for peer pressure once, then who's to say she won't do it again.

My divorced, single mother was an uncaring alcoholic. She didn't care where I was, only if it was brought to her attention and embarrassed her. Then she punished me by slapping me around. I never wanted to be like her and didn't smoke/drink/test drugs. The most I did wrong was let her take me out of school at 16 and seek attention from guys.

I suppose I am strict with my daughter because I don't trust her to make the right decisions, so I bar her from situations that I see as potentially dangerous. I also don't trust her friends. Please help us. Mish, West Palm Beach

Hey Mish, Many thanks for your email. It sounds like you are having a tough time of it. But here's the good news: It sounds like you are doing a great job with your daughter. Parenting a teenager is hard work.

Here's what we know: They will always try to "test" you, pushing your boundaries to see how much they can get away with. How much you let them get away with will dictate how hard they push the next time. Your best bet is to remain firm on what is okay and what is not okay in your family.

Here are a couple of pointers: You are the way you are because of your experience with your mom. Tiffany is no different. She will always remember her struggles with you, and perhaps take them with her when she is someday a parent, too.

Most importantly, the punishments you come up with don't really matter in the long run. The thing that really matters is the connection between the two of you that survives this difficult time.

You told me your mom was never around. You stated she was uncaring. This is what you remember. This same thing is what you should be focused on with your daughter. When she complains about all the freedom her friends are able to have, don't debate with her. Just validate her. You could say something like,

I know it's hard to see your friends have other privileges that you wished you had. This is the family you are in. You are my daughter. I am only worried about you.

She will most likely roll her eyes and say,

Great, but what about a later curfew?

Keep your head about you. Respond with something like,

I know you wish things were different, but these rules are the rules that work for me. We may not always agree, but that is not my goal. My goal is for you to know, no matter what, that I love you fiercely and will always have your best interests at heart. I might mess up from time to time but you will always know, no matter how much we frustrate each other, that you are my top priority. You may not appreciate that fact now. But my hope is that someday you will. I'm willing to take the chance on you being angry with me in the short run so we can have a better relationship in the long run.

This does a couple of things. You are able to re-clarify your points and re-set the boundaries. You also take yourself out of the game of having to justify yourself. You can be friendly with your daughter, but you are not her friend. You are her mom and taking care of her is your first priority. She may not like it, but she will learn to respect it.

Your daughter sounds like a typical teenager. Try not to use too many punishment tactics. Sometimes it's necessary, but if you use them too much, you have to keep making them bigger and bigger to get your point across.

Try setting the stage for her:

If you are out past your curfew, you will lose your phone for 3 days.

Or something like that, so she knows the consequences up front. Does this make sense? Another good tool is www.family-rules.com. It's a good parenting Web site that structures chores with accountability. Check it out and let me know if you have any questions.

In the meantime, keep up the good work. Remember your daughter is going through one of the most difficult and awkward times of her life as well. Have empathy for her. Remember, she and you are in this together -- not on opposing sides. Mark