Healthy Relationships: Spitfire can't get a third date.

Dear Mark: I've really enjoyed reading your last couple of columns about dating and relationships. I am a single woman in my 30s, have a master's degree and a great career with a good income. My problem is that I'm having a hard time dating since moving to South Florida 5 years ago.

I had a fiancéin college, but we broke up before the marriage. He said I had anger issues, but he's the only one who's said that. I've dated men before and after him and, while they didn't last, were fun and mutually enjoyable and ended on good notes. I'm still friends with most of my ex-boyfriends.

I'm a pretty attractive gal and I have no problem turning heads in a bar. There just doesn't seem to be any follow up. I've gone on one or two dates with a guy that I thought went pretty well but then they don't want to pursue it. I just don't understand it.

I have a reputation for being somewhat of a spitfire for a girl. I love to go toe-to-toe with a guy who thinks he can outwit me. I hate the stereotypical "pretty dumb girl" routine and refuse to play that game. Any guy I would be interested in would have to appreciate my wit.

Also, I decided years ago not to put out sexually for a guy until I actually felt something for him. I've gone down the other road with casual sex and it's just not for me. So the first couple of dates stay to kissing and above-the-waist action. My only thought is that maybe I'm waiting too long to have sex with these guys.

My friends assure me that South Florida is not that shallow and I'd like to believe them, but my gut says there's something I'm missing and it very well may be the sex thing. You've said some good stuff in the past. I was hoping you could help me out. Thanks a million! Sassy in Stuart

Dear Sassy, First off...love the name! "Sassy" and "spitfire" are very defining behavior traits. It sounds like you really have your life together. You have friends and a fulfilling career. You state you are financially stable and seem to be very confident about your physical appearance. I also like the fact that you are secure enough in yourself to wait to have sexual intercourse with a man until you feel ready. These are all good things. Great things, in fact.

The only thing that sticks out for me in your letter is your definition of "sassy." While I said I love the name, I wonder how this character trait plays out in your interactions with men. You said you love to verbally spar with a man who might mistake you as dumb. I wonder what gave you that impression in the first place? How do you interpret a man's behavior when he is flirting with you? Is he trying to make you look dumb or impress you with his intelligence?

Also, you said that you can get a first date, but there seems to be not much follow-up on the guys' part. Why do you think this is? How much of that spitfire behavior carries over from an initial meeting at a bar to the first date? What is the point of the sassiness if he likes you enough to take you out on a date? What is there to prove to him?

Like I said, having a strong personality is a good thing. However, my question to you is, What would it be like for you drop that part of your personality, just for small periods of time, to see what, if any, different reaction you get from interested men?

I don't know if this is your solution. I certainly wouldn't want to you squelch that part of your personality all the time. Men can find that very attractive. But maybe you could balance it out with some of the other equally attractive parts of your personality. Just a thought. Mark