Healthy Relationships: Revealing past indiscretions.

Dear Mark: I have a boyfriend who keeps telling me that honesty is the most important thing in a relationship. He says he would leave me if I ever lied to him. And that's the problem. He asked me point blank one night if I ever slept with this guy (I'll call him Larry) that he has real good reason for despising. I lied about having slept with the guy to spare my boyfriend's feelings. I knew if I said I had slept with Larry, my boyfriend would have broken up with me on the spot. I slept with Larry one time. I was drunk and I was stupid to do it. He's a hot guy but I don't even like the guy, to be honest. Larry will never tell him; they will never interact. But I have a very guilty conscience right now. My boyfriend knows something is wrong. If I come clean, we are probably done. If I don't come clean, the guilt will kill me. Can you help? Guilty in Greenacres

Dear Guilty, Ah, the trials and tribulations of love. There isn't an easy answer here. You've pretty much gone over the options you have before you. Your real dilemma is over the concept of honesty in your life. I would wonder how many times you have told a little "white lie" to spare your boyfriend's feelings. You may be right. The relationship may in fact be over. But, make no mistake, it's not because you slept with the hottie your boyfriend can't stand. It's because you have been unable to consistently tell the truth to your partner. There is probably a reason your boyfriend feels compelled to continually tell you that honesty is the most important thing for him. There is a part of him that subconsciously knows you are not being upfront with him.

That being said, it's time to face the music. You have to tell him what happened. You can preface it with "I felt really bad and didn't know how to tell you." And you can back it up with the "Telling people things that I know will hurt their feelings has always been hard on me since I was a kid" conversation. But what he needs to hear is that you understand you made a mistake, you are sorry, and you don't want the relationship to end. The rest is up to him. If you don't tell him, sooner or later he will find out. They always do. It's just a matter of time. If it's not about this situation, he will catch you the next time you try to "spare his feelings."

If you can tell him the truth now, you will begin to practice a skill that you desperately need. Like anything, it will be hard at first but you get so much better as you do it. If it's over with your boyfriend, then you've learned a hard lesson. And when faced with a similar situation in the future, chances are you will handle things differently.

Just remember, he's a guy. Guys like sex. We like to fool around. His feelings will be hurt but on some level he will understand what you are saying to him about the "sexual urges" part. If you are lucky, you will have the chance to prove you aren't just a tart but a trustworthy tart. Best of luck to you.