Healthy Relationships: Only a Sex Object?
Dear Mark: I am a very well endowed Puerto Rican woman. I'm 42 with bright brown eyes and considered very beautiful. I have a problem. People just seem to look at me as a sex object. I do not like going with different men. I would like a relationship with one. But that never happens. My friends tell me to stop complaining because when I go to the bars, everyone wants me. I am interested for the moment but I am finding myself depressed and lonely. I think I am losing my sensitivity and belief that love truly exists. I think my ex-husband convinced me of that. I am friends with all of my ex-boyfriends, but nothing lasts. I am not a bad person. I liked your advice to the man who had a similar problem and you told him to go out more and be confident. I've done that. Men still only want to have sex with me. What do I do if I want more than that? One night stands are not my thing. -- Carolina, PR
Dear Carolina: Your question touched me. Many readers may be rolling their eyes thinking, "I wish I had his problem," but in fact it is a problem for you. We, as a culture, have this uncanny tendency to define people by their physical attributes. Great breasts, bubble butt, long legs seem to be substitutions for the actual human being. Or, sometimes, the person's identity is usurped by what they like to do or be diva, party girl, serial dater.
There is no mistake that in your first sentence to me was the description of yourself as a "very well endowed" woman. If you want others to see you for more than that, you must first learn to put more than that out there. Or, at least, begin with some other qualities you consider more important. In my younger years, I used to get frustrated with the "pretty boy" category people seemed to want to place me in. However, I realized that a part of me bought into that description of myself. In fact, a part of me relied on it. I said I wanted to be seen as more than "just a pretty face," but found I was uncomfortable putting some of my other qualities out there for public consumption. Qualities like intelligence or insight or compassion are good examples. I said I wanted people to see me as smart, but when a situation arose where I was called upon to think, I found myself stumbling. I found I had to allow for the possibility that people could see me as a smart person.
The same could be true for you. People can and will see you as more than just a hot woman you just have to give them the opportunity. My advice would be to settle into your other qualities like your sensibility, your intelligence, or maybe your sense of humor. All of these qualities can be equally as charming and seductive and sexy as the way you look. It's great to be sexually desirable but, remember, it is only part of the bigger picture.
Being a "hot woman" can encompass so many things and physicality is fleeting. Even the best sex only lasts for a couple of hours. After that, you are just left with each other. All that stuff that is behind the faade that we put out there for public consumption. It's your job to let them get a chance to see the rest of you.
