Healthy Relationships: Is He Stalking Me?

Dear Mark: I just broke up with a guy over the holidays and I think he is stalking me. I have never had a stalker, but his behavior is very strange and my friends keep telling me he's after me. I don't know how or if I should approach him. Since the breakup three weeks ago, I keep getting hang up calls at all hours of the day and night. My car was broken into at my job, but nothing was stolen except my address book. He has left two semi-threatening messages on my cell phone about how he hates me and that I'm "scum just like all the rest of them" and he hopes I die.

I'm not sure if I should call the police or not. My ex told me he had spent a few weeks in jail many years ago for stalking his first lover. He talked about it like he had learned his lesson and had moved on. Now that things aren't working out for us I see some of the same behavior he talked about during his first relationship. I'm not sure if I'm being paranoid because I knew about his past or not. Should I call him up and talk with him about it? -- Donna

Dear Donna: My advice would be to have no contact with him, if for no other reason than the messages he left on your cell phone. That is reason enough to keep your distance. The rest may not be proven, but your best bet would be to be safe rather than sorry. He seems like a man who needs to work on some of his issues, but that has to be his decision and his journey...not yours. Sometimes, if this truly is a stalking case, any contact, even bad contact, is enough to keep the person attached and interested. This is bad news for the person being stalked.

You did not share with me the particulars of the breakup, but if he has a legitimate reason to be upset and you feel you want to talk with him, a letter may be the best recourse. If his behavior does not fit the situation, however, my advice would be to leave it alone. There are always two sides to every story but you only need to worry about your side at this time. I don't think it's time to contact police but I would save the cell phone messages and give this information to a few of your close friends so people are aware of what's going on. Nothing may come of it and he may drop it. But if he doesn't, you at least have somewhere to start.