QuestionMark?: My girlfriend and I are so different...

By Mark Rutherford LCSW

Dear Mark, My girlfriend and I are so different. We like different things and can't agree on much of anything but yet we really love each other. I used to not mind the differences so much but, over the years, I keep coming back to the idea that we are basically just different people. Sometime I wonder what we love in each other as we have so little in common.... Any insight would be appreciated.

Signed, Bill, West Palm

Dear Bill, Have you ever heard of the saying "opposites attract"? Technically, there is some truth to this. In his landmark book, "Getting the Love You Want" Harville Hendrix began a dialogue that continues today, over 3 decades after the book was first published. He calls his theory Imago which is the Latin word for "image". The theory has its roots in Freudian theory and Attachment theory and almost any book written about relationships in the past thirty years uses Hendrix's theory as part of it's foundation. What his theory says is that we are attracted to people who fit a certain subconscious image that we have had in place since our childhood. The people we are attracted to have both the negative and positive character traits of our early childhood caretakers. This plays out in a number of different ways. There are a few different couple types. There is the "fuser/isolator" couple where one person wants to always be together and the other always seems to "need space". There is the "avoider/confronter" dynamic in which one is always nagging the other who is always going out for a walk or taking nap. The common theme is that they always seem to be the polar opposite from their mate on a number of different levels. If one is outgoing, the other tends to be shy and introverted. If one is a "thinker" often times they mate with more of a "feeler" personality. A histrionic person is almost always balanced out by a calmer, level headed other half. The list goes on. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule.

The fact that you and your girlfriend don't have anything in common on the surface doesn't mean a whole bunch. It's almost set up that way. There are couples who are very different but yet have some same common interests. These people are just lucky. The rest of us have to work at maintaining a connection with the one we love. Find things that interest you both. Each of you look at your mates interests and take one of them up as a hobby so you have something to connect on. Or even if you don't take it up as a hobby, at least show her that you are interested in her interests. This is important. I use the expression "stretching into each other". You have to "stretch" into areas that are not necessarily a part of you. And you do it because you know that she will appreciate it. In turn, she learns that she can do the same thing for you. You both get two gifts. First, you get a partner that appreciates you. And second, you learn and understand things about yourself that you wouldn't have without their presence in your life. How cool is that? I wish you the best of luck.

Mark Rutherford, LCSW