Healthy Relationships: We fight about the same things all the time.

Dear Mark: My wife and I have been together 19 years. We love each other very much and are both committed to the relationship, but there are some problems. We fight about the same things all the time. Not really fighting, but disagreements and they never seem to be resolved. Also, we haven't had sex in a long time. We're not spring chickens anymore so I don't need it all the time. But I still have a healthy sex drive and need to get it once in a while. We've been monogamous, but I'm considering just going to one of the local strip joints, finding a girl and paying for it. I know it's not right, but I'm running out of options and am horny. Frustrated in Flamingo Park

Dear Frustrated, Do not, I repeat, DO NOT go outside of your relationship for sex without talking with your partner about it. This would be a very bad mistake. You have spent many years building the trust and intimacy that comes with a long-term relationship. Don't blow it now just because you need to get off sexually. The only way to figure it all out is to sit her down and talk with her about your feelings.

My first thought would be that you two get to a skilled couples therapist, preferably one skilled in Imago Relationship Therapy. For a therapist near you, look on www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com and type in your zip code. This is a form of couple's therapy based on the work of Harville Hendrix. His landmark book, Getting the Love You Want, written over 30 years ago, spawned much of the relationship self-help industry you see today. Get the book. Read it. It talks about why you have those arguments that seem to be always the same.

It's called a "core dance" that you do with your partner and it will continue until you find a way to resolve the feelings behind the issues that the two of you have. For example, it's never just about the dirty clothes left on the floor. It's about the feelings she experiences when underwear is thrown on the floor. Start a dialogue with her and find out what her frustrations really are.

This exercise will begin a stretch back to intimacy for you. Greater intimacy leads to more interest in sex. Talk with her, and/or your therapist about what you can do to increase the intimacy between the two of you. Be unconventional. Make a date night. Go out with each other to a nice dinner or somewhere you both enjoy. Come home and light some candles and put on some music. Make it romantic and then begin to rediscover each other sexually. Or you can go the other route and start exploring some of your sexual fantasies. Toys and role-playing can all be excellent additions to a healthy sexual relationship.

Problems arise when a couple isn't happy with each other and look outside of the relationship for their happiness. Be sure to talk in depth with your partner about needs, expectations, and fears before making a decision on this.