Healthy Relationships: Don't Ask-Don't Tell.

Dear Mark: I have been seeing this guy for about six months now. He's a great guy and about ten years my senior. The only problem is that he is just getting out of a long-term "open" relationship with his last girlfriend. This is not something I want and, after many talks, we decided that we would be monogamous.

I'm not sure if he really wants to have a monogamous relationship or if he is just placating me. All of his other relationships have been somewhat non-monogamous. He said that this type of relationship is what works best for him and that he has always operated on the "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

I'm not sure if it's an age thing or what. It makes me feel very insecure about what to expect because part of the problem between he and his ex-girlfriend is that they were cheating on each other, breaking agreements, and not telling each other the truth, especially when it came to sex. He tells me he wants to be honest with me and has no intention of lying to me, but I just can't be sure and it is beginning to take its toll on us. I think he's getting frustrated with my insecurity about this. What should I do? -- Insecure

Dear Insecure: First of all, honesty is not "an age thing." I understand why you might feel this way, but the reality of it is that he has a history of not telling the truth to his intimate partners. "Don't ask, don't tell" rarely works in relationships because it leaves room for skirting the truth and not being honest about feelings. You cannot have true honesty if you are not sharing all that is happening for you. This includes outside sex. I tell my clients this all the time. It's easier in the moment not to tell the truth because you think it may hurt the other person's feelings but, in the long run, you gain so much more by disclosing. You and your partner can be connected on so many more levels.

That being said, it seems like your new beau is really trying to do things differently with you. In therapy, there is a saying called "leap of faith." Some part of you has to believe that he is trying something different from his past behaviors. Do you run the risk of being wrong and getting hurt? Of course. But that is the essence of love. In order to feel the amazing splendor of warmth and safety that comes with connected companionship, you have to be willing to risk being hurt.

The best stopgap mechanism is to continue talking with him about your feelings. Reassure him you understand the work he is doing to be present in this relationship. Continue to be supportive of the changes in his life he is trying to make. Find a way to continue bringing to the table the concerns you have. Find a way to talk about them where he can be supportive of you rather than aggravated that you don't totally believe him. Because it's not about believing him or not. It is about your fear of getting hurt. And, trust me, he has those same fears as well.