Healthy Relationships: Confused cheater.

Dear Mark: My girlfriend and I have been together for 12 years. I have always loved her but the passion stopped years ago. Last year I met a woman at work. There was an instant attraction and we began an affair. I have never cheated on my partner but I could not help myself. I knew it was wrong but I wanted this woman too much to resist. Not surprisingly, my girlfriend found some incriminating text messages and confronted me. I confessed and she gave me the option to leave her and follow my heart if I needed.

I don't know what to do. I love my partner but I am in love with the new woman. However, I can't bring myself to tell her that my partner told me it was okay to leave. That's what she has been waiting for but I don't know if I'm ready to leave or even if I want to leave. This new woman wants me to leave my girlfriend today and move in with her. Confused on Clematis

Dear Confused, Stay with your girlfriend. This is a blunt statement but there are reasons. First, you owe it to yourself and your girlfriend to give this 12-year relationship the respect it deserves. If you don't exhaust all of your resources in trying to stay together, you will always look back and wonder if there was a chance the two of you could have made it.

Second, this new woman may in fact have feelings for you. But if she does not allow you to take care of your unfinished business then she doesn't truly love you. I suggest you talk with her and tell her in order for you to feel okay about pursuing anything with her that you first must work out the problems with your partner. Tell her you need three months of no contact while you work out your issues. She will not like this but, if she loves you, she will agree to it.

If you don't take this time for yourself you will enter this new relationship with all this unfinished business. It will take away from your ability to be fully present. If after three months, you are clear about wanting to leave the relationship then you can have a talk with your partner and end things appropriately. But 12 years is a long time. My guess is that if you focus on each other again you may remember why it is that you fell in love with her in the first place. I suggest seeing a couple's counselor skilled in Imago Relationship therapy. There are plenty in your area. Check out www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com. It's a national database for couples therapists. Plug in your zip code and find one in your area. All the best, Mark.