Healthy Relationships: Coming out to the kids.

Dear Mark: I'm a 53-year-old black man. I'm also coming to terms with the fact that I'm gay. I'm having problems coming out of the closet. I have an adult son and I'm pretty sure he knows. I had been married to his mother for many years and we separated 5 years ago. I told her what was going on but we made the decision not to burden our son with the news. However, it's getting harder and harder to hide things from him as he has recently moved back into town. I think I want to tell him. Part of me is afraid of his reaction and part of me is just plain afraid to have the actual talk. What should I do? Father Troubles

Dear Father Troubles, Having a heart-to-heart conversation like that with your son is somewhat of a double-edged sword. The reason I say this is because however you slice it, things will change between you and your son. It could get better and, of course, there is the possibility it could get worse. The good part is that you will no longer have to live your life in secret. You will be able to let those who care about you know what is going on in your life. Do not underestimate the power of truth here. It is a valuable resource and one that you will look back on and turn to many times as this process unfolds.

You said your son most likely knows. As a father myself, I understand this thought. I can often intuit what my son is thinking. Your guess is probably right. If you have come to terms with your sexuality, there is a piece of you that exudes that. No matter what words you use, or don't use, people who love you can pick up on things like body language and emotional energy. If you go with this hypothesis, you could also assume that he may be looking forward to the time when you do let your guard down and tell him. It could be the beginning of a whole new chapter in your relationship with him. If he doesn't want to know and would rather operate on the "don't ask / don't tell" policy, my advice is to give him time. This policy really never works and, over time, as you grow as an individual and a gay person this will become more apparent.

It might be a good idea for you and your ex-wife to sit him down and tell him together. If you are still on good terms with her, a united front can sometimes make a difference when talking to a child. This is just a thought. However you choose to proceed, please remember how long it took you to come to terms with your sexuality. Your son's reaction may not be what you had hoped for, but the love between a father and a son can be very powerful. Give him some time to digest this news and keep your heart open to frank discussions about his feelings/fears/thoughts. Families Like Mine by Abigail Garner is a great book written by straight children with gay parents. It tells this dynamic from a fresh standpoint. You may want to pick up a copy and give him some reading material. Best of luck to you. Take Care, Mark