Healthy Relationships: Back in the game.

Dear Mark: I was happily married for decades when my spouse died suddenly. That was a couple years ago. I have been devastated, and still have no desire to date yet. I was diagnosed with herpes many years ago. It was the result of unprotected intercourse in my single years. My question to you is: If and when I start to date, how do I approach this issue? Obviously, I must be honest. I am taking Valtrex, the lowest dose, and have had no outbreaks. How and when should this subject be addressed? Any suggestions would be appreciated. Ms. Careless

Hey Ms. Careless (or Ms. "Life Happens"), I have had a number of responses from people with similar stories. Herpes is a very common thing. A large percentage of our population has been infected with this virus. Although distressing, it is a very manageable virus. You can have an active and fulfilling emotional and sexual life after diagnosis.

Losing a spouse is a devastating experience. It is hard to get back out there and try to find a connection again. But I urge you to do so, if it is something that appeals to you. Of course you have to be honest with any prospective sexual mate.

But, like with many things in life, timing is everything. Do not feel compelled to share it when you first meet someone. It is a private matter and should only be discussed once you reach a certain level of intimacy with someone. If, after dating a while, you decide you would like to take the relationship to the next level, then you can make the decision to share this part of your life with him.

If the conversation takes a turn to discussing the possibility of being physically intimate, then you can broach the subject. Something along the lines of

"I like you and am interested in taking this next step with you, but I need to share something with you first. Many years ago, I was diagnosed with this virus. It is under control and I have managed this successfully for many years. We can be intimate but need to take a few precautions."

Give him all the necessary information. A great resource is www.herpes.com if you need specifics on information about the virus.

I know it is a hard conversation to have. But anyone who is out there in the dating world today has heard of this. If he cares for you, he will be open to this conversation. If he balks, then he is not worth taking the next step with anyway.

As you find your footing in the dating world, you will inevitably encounter rejection. But this is true for anyone. Rejection is part of the dating landscape. This virus is a part of who you are. It's a part of the package. There are many wonderful and unique things about you. Take ownership of this and try to let go of the shame attached. Once you do this and let go of the apologies, you will undoubtedly find someone who sees beyond it as well.

Thanks for writing in. I have kept your anonymity here, as you requested. But you should know that your letter is typical of many I've had regarding dating and STD's. Your letter could help countless others going through the same thing as you. All My Best, Mark Rutherford, LCSW