Healthy Relationships: Still attracted to my ex.

Dear Mark: I recently broke up with a girl about 6 months ago. We dated for a year and a half. About two months after breaking up, I realized I really screwed up. When I tried to get back with her, she told me she moved on and that I should, too. She had met someone else.

But now that I've moved on, she wants to contact me! She's upset that I found someone else. She calls friends of ours to find out about the new girl. The problem is, I really do care for her. I know I shouldn't have broken up with her, but I was a drunken fool. I gave up the drinking and she knows this. Any suggestions? Thank you. Anonymous

Dear Anonymous, Hi there, Thanks for your email. It sounds like you might still have some unresolved feelings for your ex-girlfriend. There have been other people involved on both your parts, but each of you keeps coming back. This is a signal that there is some unfinished business here.

My suggestion is to contact your ex and arrange a time and place to meet so you can talk. I would make it a nonconfrontational setting, like coffee at your place or a walk on the beach. This is not an opportunity to rehash old mistakes and old wounds between you. This is your chance to acknowledge your part in the problem. Something along the lines of:

"I wanted to talk with you today because I have not been able to stop thinking about you. I think I made a mistake when I broke up with you 6 months ago. We had our issues, but I shouldn't have run away. I should have stayed and worked on our issues. By breaking up with you, I know I hurt you deeply. But now I want to see if there is a way we can try again and see if we can do things differently this time. What do you need from me to help you make up your mind?"

If she is on the same page as you, this will give her some food for thought. You both have done your fair share of "reacting" off of each other ... breaking up/getting mad/new boyfriends and girlfriends etc. Now is your chance to be proactive. State your case (and feelings) up front and give her a chance to see that you're serious. Inquire if she would be open to dating again. If so, then you can get to the real work.

The real work is getting to really know each other. The way to do this is to talk with each other about the inevitable frustrations that come up between you. It seems like the frustrations may have gotten in the way the first time. The trick now is to acknowledge your differences and to be able to honor those differences between you. Those differences will still be there if you try a second time. The only difference is that, hopefully, you will find a different, nonconfrontational way of talking with each other about them. If alcohol really played a part in this, be sure to be ready to explain how you've changed, e.g.: What have you done? Are you going to AA meetings? Are you seeing a therapist? What changes have you made? Be ready to be able to talk with her about the whole thing even if it makes you uncomfortable.

Thanks again for writing in. Let me know how it all turns out. All my best, Mark