Healthy Relationships: Back in the game.

Dear Mark: Thank you for responding to my e-mail about your column on monogamous vs. open relationships. I try a few different avenues for dating purposes, and I enjoy sex, but would prefer it in a monogamous relationship. Sex is used today as a bartering tool, and I struggle with whether to have sex or not with someone new. I feel I have a lot to offer, but am stuck with what these days is the appropriate thing to do.

A friend introduced me to a "good guy" who was divorced a year or so ago. This guy got into a relationship right after his divorce. That relationship broke up last December. Now he wants to date a bit before he gets involved in another long-term relationship.

I can understand that, but I hope he doesn't go from "good guy" to "player." In a conversation on our third date, he said he is sure there are more good women than good men. So, he is already aware he has the upper hand.

As you can tell, my mind seems to be consumed with this debate, and I hate it. My confidence vacillates. I do not doubt I could date a lot, but I am really burnt out on doing that. Volunteering is my next avenue of using up the little spare time I have. Perhaps that is the only way to get myself back on track of not wanting a partnership. Sorry to take up your time, but it at least lets me vent. I am sure it is a subject you hear a lot of here. Thank you for your time. Sick of Players

Hi Sick of Players, I'm glad you wrote back. You are not taking up my time. This is what I do.

Dating in today's world can be a struggle. Pondering what is appropriate and what's not can be time- and energy consuming. All of the questions and missteps can lead to confidence issues and, ultimately, burn out. This all makes sense.

Perhaps you need a breather? A little time off to regain your footing. It seems like you are interested in dating and finding a partner. It also seems like you have a lot to offer in a relationship. But if you go into the search with deficit-based thinking, you will come up short.

Deficit-based thinking is another way to say you are focusing on the negatives. Ever heard of manifest destiny? It's an old theory, but getting a lot of airplay due to the success of the book, The Secret. Basically, it's finding ways to sign on to your expectations ... believing, against proof sometimes, that your life will "work out." It's more than just positive thinking. It's about laying the groundwork for possibility. If you set the stage, the men you encounter who don't fit the bill will soon be weeded out. There will be a part of you that will know if he's okay to sleep with or not.

The other question is about what you want. Guiding your decisions based on what you want/need. What does it mean to you to be sexually intimate with a man? What are the implications in your life? What are your expectations of him (and yourself) afterward? Take the divorced guy ... when he made the "there are more good women than good men" comment, did you ask him what he meant by that? That was a good "door opener" statement; a way for you to gain information about this guy. It could have been his half-hearted attempt to flatter you. Force yourself not to run to preconceived notions. Who knows what he was really trying to say. The only way to really find out is to ask him. Begin a dialogue that answers some of your questions. Get more out of him so you can be more sure of your next step. This is the art of dating. Putting yourself out there, taking risks, but also finding your "safe zone" so you minimize the burnout times and moments of getting hurt. Does this make sense?

I hope this helps some. Feel free to write back with comments/questions. I get a good amount of mail so it may take me some time to write back but I promise I'll always write back. Hang in there. Take Care, Mark